Revenge - The Big Pay Back

Ah, James Brown. How that song seems to hold such significance recently. So I am a bit amazed and surprised at my self for my latest what? Acceptance, defeat, realization? I want redemption. Badly. Now, I tell myself this every so often and think I will be serious this time, but I always find a way to ruin my progress. Isn't it sad how we subconsciously ruin things because we are afraid of being happy and letting things go? And yet as I write this, I realize that I because I am consciously writing this, doesn't that mean that I can no longer blame my subconscious? That would be logical wouldn't it? Where is my strength? I know it is in there somewhere. I want so much more and yet I hold myself back. While I have done many things of Independence over the last two years, I have in turn ceased to look for things and make things happen for me. I just sit in my rented condo day after day and night after night reluctant to leave to ever go have coffee with my best friend sometimes. And I hate it because I feel trapped and wonder why after two years I am still in the same fucking predicament that I was to begin with. But what am I doing to change anything? Yeah, that's what I thought. I feel stuck in a rut trying to re-live what is over. And what am I aspiring for with that? To be second, third, maybe fourth favorite? I am tired of being old reliable and having things change for everyone else except me. I am also really realizing that until I am happy with myself, I will never be happy with anyone else. I won't be able to truly be myself and that's a shame. I have a very handsome, sweet wonderful guy that wants to spend time with me and I am avoiding him because I am not comfortable with me. How sad is this? How many more opportunities will I let pass me by? Am I really going to let this one go too? I just really want it to me my turn you know? I remember how people looked at me how different those who knew me treated me. I want to be the one to enjoy it, relish in it and for a precious few, flaunt it. Maybe it's because I'm getting older or whatever but I do not want to be like this for the rest of my life! Fuck this. Someway, somehow I am going to make this happen. It's a little disheartening to think that if I dedicated ever just a years worth of trying, this could be solved. So, what to do? I know what to do now I just need to do it.