AAA/DMV

It seems like everywhere you look, on the back of on old person's car you will see a AAA sticker. I remember noticing that around the ripe old age of 16 after I started driving and immediately associated it with the elderly and wanted nothing to do with it after that. 'What kind of a geezer has AAA?'

Well, now I am that kind of geezer, a mere 16 years later. Aside from the fact it's like 50 bucks a year and (my very favorite part) the DMV service! Are you shitting me? All of these years that I have wasted time at the DMV, either waiting in line, helped by some rude jackass who can't understand me cause I can't understand them, being handed back paperwork to go and fix because I wrote the date on the wrong line or some lame thing, having to get out of one line and into another - and AAA has a DMV window at their offices the whole time?!?! Where that can do all this stuff and more? Without an appointment? Where I have never waited more than 20 minutes total? What a great idea!

Then I vaguely remember my aunts voice in my head over the years telling me she was going to run over to AAA on her lunch to go renew her tags, get her license plates etc. and I thought that she must have meant the DMV - I mean both three letters right? Easy mistake? Nope. So really, I have known about this for a long time, but never made the connection. Silly me.

BIG Step

So tonight - right now as I type this - Nick is on his way to a bachelor party. An all night bachelor party. Yes, with strippers, booze, buddies - you name it. And he will be staying the night.

Why this is a big step you ask? Because normally I would freak out over this, I would let my insecurities run wild, brood about it for weeks and be a complete bitch to him about everything. Sad isn't it? I am ashamed to say that was exactly what I did when Dante and I were going to marry. I was so insecure about it in fact, that the only things they had on tap were to race go carts then go out to dinner. I would get upset if I found him watching porn - even though I enjoy watching it myself. Insecurity and poor self image causes long lasting, damaging things that affect not only yourself but those around you.

Which brings me to tonight. Now, I had heard about the BP in passing for a few months and just always thought that I would worry about it when it got closer. Then a week ago, I realized that truly, the thought of him going really didn't bother me. Then, I started to wonder why. Part of me wonders if I am not letting myself get deeply attached to Nick, so when/if it does happen I can say "See? You knew it was coming! It is always coming!" but the other part of me wonders if maybe, I am just growing up. Maybe I feel like I can trust Nick and for all the crap that has happened recently (another blog for another time) maybe he deserves to go out, have a night with the guys and be trusted. He trusted me to go the away to Reno for a girls weekend and - more unbelievably - trusted me to fly to another state and stay with Dante for the weekend. And he managed not to be an asshole to me before or after the trip :) In my heart, I really truly love and care for Nick and deep inside I am ok with this. For the first time in a long time, it feels really good to be secure enough in myself and my relationship to be ok with this.

I really had not intention of delving into such personal things tonight, but I am really rather amazed at the way I am handling it. At any rate, I'm glad to see the rational adult in me decided to pull my head out and let the guy have some fun. After all, he has been married twice and never had a bachelor party either time. Poor bastard.

Oh and maybe the part that makes me fell a little bit better? We are doing the Race for the Cure tomorrow morning and need to be there by 7:00am :) Have fun Nick!!!

Really Great!

This weekend Nick and I decided to get out of town and head to the Bay Area. Boy, how things have changed (and not changed) in a year. About this same time last year, our very first weekend away ever together was down in the Bay Area. The hotel we planned on staying at did not let us stay because I left my credit card at home and even though I already had paid for the room and had close to $700 in cash that I was willing to leave for a deposit, they wouldn't let us stay cause it wasn't a credit card. We ended up going next door to Motel 6 and still had an awesome time.

So here we are a year later, staying at the same hotel that denied us the first time. I have to tell you, a year ago when Nick and I first went down there, I remember looking at him while we were driving wondering how may weeks this "relationship" was going to last. If you knew him and knew me, we were pretty different people with different lifestyles and no one would have matched us on love connection. I couldn't help but smile thinking about how nervous and excited I was just to be with him and was thinking "The hell with it! Even if this doesn't work out, I'm still going to have a good time." Now a year later, I am still having a good time.

We were total tourists, did the Pier 39 thing, watched the silver and gold guys dance for the crowds while the "bush man" scared unsuspecting targets. We watched the boats come in, had a fab dinner at Alioto's while sharing a bottle of wine, watched the sea lions bask in the sun and ate crepes while watching the lights come on all over the city. He spoiled me rotten and bought me a tie-dyed sweatshirt which is now my favorite article of clothing ever! Not to mention some really beautiful glass jewelery that he picked out for me. Afterwards, we headed back to the hotel to lounge in the tub and sit out on our porch, listen to the water splash against the rocks and just enjoyed being together. It was one of the nicest weekends I think I have ever had. You know, we might bicker and argue about things from time to time, but it is a rarity that we actually out and out fight. I am so happy that I went through everything that I did with Dante and other guys in the past so I could appreciate what I have with Nick - and I do - so very much.

For the last 12 years, whenever I've made a wish (fountains, birthdays, shooting stars etc.) my one wish was to be happy. It looks like not only has my wish come true, but it is staying true. It takes work from both sides to be in a good, healthy relationship and I am so happy that I found someone that is willing to work with me to make it happen.

By being happy and grateful for what I already have in life, life seems to keep giving me things to be happy and grateful for. How great is that?

A different direction

So, once again I am on the bandwagon to loose weight.

Now here is the kicker - I'm not alone, my self esteem is probably close to the best it's ever been and (the best part) in one week it will be one year since Nick and I have been together. A whole year and I am really starting to think and believe that he really loves me even though currently, I know I'm not at my best. And that's why I think I love him too. Anyone can look pretty dressed up and with makeup on, but lets just say not everyone appreciates natural beauty.

I am not a small boned woman, but am not and have never been fat. I'm solid and strong and have a nice proportionate girlish figure. Unfortunately, I've noticed how much tighter things have gotten lately on my expanding girlish figure and really, it's because I'm not dedicating enough time and effort to the cause. The sad thing is I actually joined a Bikram Yoga class (which I love) and while it is super tough - the room is 105 degrees and you are in it for 90 minutes contorting your body into positions you've only seen in racy movies and then there's the smell. You've got to get used to the smell - there are usually as little as 5 and as many as 20 people in a class with you at any time, all sweating stretching and everything else right next to you, so sometimes it can be dicey. However, if you put that aside and you stick with it, you are not only amazed by how you feel, but how you look. You see, you burn approximately 750 - 1100 calories per class. Look into it if you don't believe me (what a trip, as I'm writing about this, I just got a message from the good yoga folks they are doing a 30 day challenge class for the month of February*) How's that for a sign? *yes I realize that February only has 28 days, 29 at most - what can I say? They are hippies you know? All this being said, I never felt better about myself mentally and physically - and I want to fee that way again. For me. Not because I am trying to get something or not be lonely. I really want to feel better and look better for me. So here it is: 50 pounds. That's what my goal is 50 pounds. As most great diets start tomorrow, so shall mine. My personal challenge is to blog at least two times a week about my progress and go to yoga at least 3-4 times a week. Who knows? Maybe I will get a wild hair and do the 30 day challenge. Some days you just have to go through the motions, so here I go.

Thank you for being a part of my journey - Bevie - as usual, thank you for checking in. All the best to you and yours now and always :)

Holidays

In general, I like holidays. My mom always celebrated every holiday and I do mean every holiday. Easter, Valentine's Day, St. Patty's Day, Arbor Day, President's Day - you name it and there were themed decorations associated with each holiday. Growing up, I thought it was kind of cheesy, then after my mom died, I missed it so much. My now grown-up conclusion is that in defiance of bad times, she liked to celebrate life and make good times with her friends and family so pick a day, any day, and she could make it a holiday. Pretty cool to have someone care that much.

But I digress. The reason for tonight's blog is that I'm feeling a little selfish tonight and know what I want to do and what I'm probably going to do. Let's face it, I'm having a pity party - table for 1 please.

Thanksgiving. My mom's family does not speak to my dad and and right back at them so I try to split the day evenly among my aunts and uncles and my dad. (Funny I'm doing this at 30 - how many other people go through this crap?) So this year I was planning to cook dinner for my dad, step mom and her family (which is pretty much my family too - after 14 years I think it's ok to make that statement) then my uncle on moms side called and said he wanted to have dinner at his place with the family around 1:00 - what did I think. I call step mom and see if maybe we can consider doing it on Friday or they would just have to deal with the fact that I would be gone for a few hours but come back as it's about 30 minutes or so between the two houses. I can tell right away she is so not receptive to the idea. We argue back and forth as I explain that I do this every year and last year I spent Christmas with mom's side so I could have the entire day of Christmas with them this year....anyway, it ended with me saying I would email mom's side and see if they would entertain the idea of a Friday dinner. The next night, step mom calls me and said "Well, I got everything fixed since you decided not to spend the holiday with us. We are just going to my mom's house so you guys are welcome to come with us or meet us up there if you want. Her mom's house is 2 1/2 hours away from us normally. From my Uncle's house, make it 3 1/2, perhaps 4. I explained to her that I already asked my mom's side to change it and she goes "That's not what you said. You said you were going to spend it with them and then maybe come back by. Why should you cook just to drop off food and leave? I thought I was doing you a favor this way you could see everybody.

Yes, awesome of you to put me four hours away from both sides instead of 30 minutes. You know this pisser is the only person there I would be related to is my dad? And that is why for as much as I want to tell step mom to fuck off and would like to tell mom's side that I might be busy this year and just spend a nice, low key, low drama day with Nick, his daughter and the dogs - I will not because I want to see my dad. We are the rocks that keep each other sane at events like these and man this pisses me off to know I have to go and I don't want to, but that's a lot of what life is about.

Plus, I know how much holidays mean to him because the same woman who taught me to love them taught him to love them too.

Its all about the bitches

So I'm not sure how many of you out there breed dogs, have ever bred a dog or even just thought about it. I am just going to say right now that I am not dog-breeding material. So Nick has a black lab, Rachel, who is purebred, papered, and in heat. We really hadn't given much thought to any of this until we saw the nice blood stain on the comforter.

Guys - is it any wonder chicks get so bitchy around that time of the month? I mean really?

Anyway, so Rachel is in heat and my main man, Chico, is all about it. Problems: Chico is about 2 feet and 80 pounds too small for the job, not to mention that the poor guy is nut-less (got him from the pound and they fix them before they let them go). Other problems: he won't stop whining. At all. Ever. All night long. Even if he is in the same room with her. Jesus Fucking Christ. For the last three days all he has done is follow her around and cry. I don't even think he ate yesterday.

Then, we had taken a day trip to the City and when we came home our next door neighbor is waiting outside for us and - oops - looks like his dog broke down our fence and got it on with Rach. Awesome. Not papered or anything, so not as much money, but still, sweet tempered, pretty dog, so we were stoked. Nick and the neighbor decided they would get the dogs together the next day to "seal the deal" if you will.

6 hours later.....

I come home from work to see Nick and our neighbor all hot and irritable looking. I asked what happened and the response was (and I quote) "The dip-shit dog couldn't get it in and make it stick. I watched him spooge all over the ground like five times. I think the best part was her being so horny and him having to take naps in between." Needless to say, we will be trying again next week with my Aunt's dog. Keep you posted as I know more...

Marriage - Maybe just cohabitate instead

I just got finished reading an article on MSNBC which was a blip from the Today Show about a female author who has after 20 years of marriage has decided to call it quits. (roll your mouse below to see the link)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31452178

To be honest, as I'm reading her surprisingly open story about her own experiences and views on the woe's or marriage, a part of me wanted badly to disagree with her, say she was wrong and that marriage could be a wonderful thing if people would just work at it...so what happened with Dante and me? Oh that's right! Both people have to be willing to work towards the same goal and deal with all the other obstacles that arise along the way. Same goal being the operative word.

It was actually very disheartening to read about how one man said that his "heart actually drops when my wife comes in the room" and not just for her, but for him too because ladies, I know some of you feel the same way about your men. To hear that a majority of women would rather have a house-husband if you will and maybe a infrequently-seen fling on the side from time to time would be ideal just rocked me. Sure, I have joked about it and yes, if you have three guys side by side, they will all have a quality that the other doesn't making each unique and perhaps one can give you something at one time the other can't but does that give us the ok to live in a Brave New World society just yet? Everyone enjoy everyone else for the sake of happiness and self pleasure? Maybe not. A little too Buring Man for me.

But how many others feel the same way as the author? More than I want know about I'm sure. The fear of being labeled a failure by society, friends, family and even our kids can make men and women alike stay in relationships that make them miserable for the sake of pleasing others. What a sad existence when you think about it.

I won't ruin the article by lamenting about my views, but it just made me sad and at the same time realize how true it rings of society today. In her closing paragraph, her advice was that everyone, men and women alike, should save their selves the heart ache and forgo marriage.

For me personally, I will always hold out hope that I too will have what my parents had - the love and patience to stay with each other no matter what, till death did they part.

Looking at me looking at you

As long as everything looks good on the outside, who needs to know what the inside really looks like? As people, we are attracted to pretty things, whatever is visually appealing to us at the time. The soft, sweet, gentle, handsome, comely all seem to give us a sense of comfort whether real or imagined. Because of what they tell us, we will rearrange our schedules and sometimes even our lives because of what we hear. And we do all of these things in our quest for happiness because surely, if we accommodate these requests, demands, visions, ideas, our objects become happier and by default, that will make us happier right? I mean, if they are happier because of us, then they will be happier with us and that will make us happier. See how it all makes sense? I mean, that does make sense right?

Wrong.

Pretty doesn't make you happy. Money doesn't make you happy. A certain person won't make you happy. Things won't make you happy.

Only you will make you happy.

Once you let yourself be happy, it's funny how all those other things you enjoy seem to fall into place....

It makes you wonder what they turn down

Commercials folks, I'm talking about commercials. Have you ever really thought about how bad some of them really are? And on top of that how much money is wasted on those bad commercials when it could be going somewhere useful? Being a regular consumer of well, pretty much everything, I'm all for commercials - as long as they are good. You'd think with the threat of DVR's and being able to watch your favorite show on your PC, that would give the advertising folks a little incentive to come up with something clever, witty or at the very least a snappy little tune you can't get out of your head. I mean some of them are just plain awful (How many of you have seen those gross toe fungus commercials with the fungus beast that rips off that guys toe nail or if you really think back, Paul from the Diamond Center - remember that guy? Just plain ridiculous) Who backs these sorts of visual abominations? Shouldn't someone actually watch them before they go on the air? And, dare I ask, what is deemed so bad that it ends up on the cutting room floor? Yikes. Yet as I sit here and bitch about them, a thought has crossed my mind; even being as terrible as they were and are, I remember them, so was the marketing ploy successful after all?

Won by a technicality.

Touché advertisers, touché. Just remember, you may make me remember them, but you can’t make me like them.

Damn those daytime naps

So it's midnight and I'm wide awake - thank you afternoon nap. To kill time as I wait for sleep to finally head my direction I've been checking out other blogs and I have to say that I think I'm starting to become addicted to reading them. What is it that makes other peoples lives so fascinating to us? Is it the similarities that we share or the differences that peak our curiosity that makes us want more? For me, I am fascinated as to what kinds of people are writing these blogs. You read a brief synopsis of their day, week, month etc., that takes typically 2 - 5 minutes to read, but what about the rest of the time? What else goes on in their lives outside the story they posted? What is day at work like for them? What do they sound like?

So that's it. Nothing earth shattering or mind bending, just specifically random thoughts from someone trying desperately to fall asleep before the alarm goes off in 5 hours...

I don't need no stinking title

So over the weekend, I went camping in Napa with Dante's mom and her friend. We had the best time. I love to camp and this was one of the first camping trips I have ever been on where no one fought, argued or was irritated with anyone. Everyone pulled their own weight and when plan changed, no one freaked out. It was a great few days. So recently I have been getting along well with Dante. I had him watch the dog while I was gone - he did a half ass job like I expected him to but whatever. So I am still jobless and still seem to be the one to loan Dante money for gas, food, whatever and things will never change. He was right. He will always need someone to take care of him and I want that for myself too. The difference is that I will give what I get an in most cases more than I get. Yesterday he changed my oil and I had made dinner and it is so comfortable when we are together because we did it for so long. I can still see a lot of the little things that I think would still get on my nerves. So like usual, he tries to grab at my boob or smack my ass (man I sound fucked up writing this) but really, again, I think it was because that was the habits we had for so long. He asked me to touch him, sleep with him etc and I said no. Just earlier I had been telling him about my issues with the firefighter and another guy I went to dinner with (another day that one) and we talked (again) about his "girlfriend", the one whose married. Oh yeah, hell of a girlfriend. In some ways though what can I say? Am I any better than him? Well this afternoon he stopped by on the way to a friends house and what do I see but a hickey on his neck. The only thing I can say is that I am so happy I didn't sleep with him. Funny cause today I thought about calling him and asking him to stay the night tonight. I will not and cannot deny how lonely I am sometimes and how it is comforting to be with someone so familiar, but more and more I am realizing that I cannot rush what I want and just hope that one day it will find me (one day soon!)

Still don't have a job and still trying to figure out how to get to Hawaii, but fuck it, I'm going to figure it out somehow. Oh and I am a total bitch for going out with a guy twice now and then deciding not to call him back. We went to dinner at Chilli's and then to lunch and a movie. I could tell that he was getting interested in me and decided in the movie that I would not kiss him and that after that day, he would never hear from me again. I told him that I would call him when I got back from camping which was Sunday, but I haven't called and don't think I am going to. What do I say to this guy? "Sorry, you seem really nice, but you're really not that attractive and I'm just not feeling it. Good luck." So I am choosing the pussy road out and not going to call him back. Ever. So the firefighter - He called last week and said he was in town for two nights (about 30 minutes away from where I live) and did we get together? Nope. Then I can't help but think "Really? This is another guy you are worrying about, whom you never see hardly at all, who is staying with his cousin about a half hour away and he calls you on his way back home to go fight more fires? Are you really going to waste more of your time on someone who isn't going to be devoted to you?" So I make up my mind I will not call him for awhile, then he calls me Friday after we get finished setting up camp. He said that he got the next two days off and wanted to see what I was up to. I told him camping and we talked for a bit. When I talk to the guy, I just freaking melt all over the place. Then the next day, we had just finished lunch and he called again. Very unlike him, but we chatted again for awhile and I told him I would call when I got home. I called him Sunday night and we talked for about a half hour or so. I invited him to thanksgiving, but who knows if he will show. Oh, that and I have gained about 20 lbs (no kidding) and I am ashamed of myself and wonder when I will decide to pull my head out.

Now I get it and other random thoughts

I remember when my friend Pam was let go and I couldn't help but thinking that it must be nice to have a bit of a break. I mean hell, who wouldn't love to sleep in and stay home all day after staying up all night reading or watching TV? Getting up when you want, taking the dog to the dog park, not having to worry about rush hour traffic, high heels and all the other day to day stuff that gets so monotonously irritating? Me. About three weeks after Pam was let go she emailed me and the being at home thing was really getting to her. She said, and I quote "I would give my left eye to be be back at work and have something to do..." Well, I think I would probably toss a toe in there too if I could go back there. The saddest part about all of this? Today is Wednesday and my first official day of being laid off was Monday. That's right, two days ago. How stinking sad is this? How in the hell am I going to get through the next couple of months until I get another job? I started working at 15 and truly the last time I was without a job was over 8 years ago and it was by choice. Not to mention that only lasted a month and I was living with my best friend so that made things all the more easier. So much has changed since then. Granted I don't really have to worry about house or car payments, but I'm still a little nervous about relying on the state for my rent check you know? No sugar coating it here - I do not have a lot of friends. Ok, so I could probably count them all on both hands. Most of my friends are older ladies and people that I had worked with. The other pisser about not working? Work was where I interacted with people. If not for work, some days I wouldn't talk to anyone. Boy, and I thought I felt alone last week!?! I am trying to focus on my upcoming trip to Hawaii (yes, what a tortured life I must lead) and you know what I am thinking about? What the hell am I going to do over there for two weeks all by myself? And do you know that a part of me is actually throwing up reasons why I shouldn't go? What the hell is wrong with me? I am going to be able to take a two week trip for $500 out the door. Plane ticket and place to stay included, just need to buy food and get around and I am trying to talk myself out of this? I have no job, no real responsibilities at this point (The dog and cats will be well taken care of) and the 'boyfriend', hell that might be the most confusing thing in my life at the moment.

Ok, so because I am a stupid fuck I had dinner with Dante night before last. Let's back up a tad - I was supposed to go with his family on a hiking/kayaking trip on Saturday and we fought again on Friday night and I really didn't want to ruin my day and the families day, so I decided to stay home. It actually turned out to be a great day. Took the dog to the dog park and spent three hours talking to some nice ladies. Man, I have really got to check my attitude. I was a total bitch to one of the ladies because I just wanted to be left alone and I was on the defensive. What a crock. I have got to ease up and not be so rude right from the start. I really do try to be a nice person, but sometimes, I get a 'bitch build up' and out she comes. Anyway, so Sunday I made a cake for Dante's daughter (because his mom asked me to) and took it over to his Uncles house where they were having a party for her. I did give Dante a heads up that I would be there so there would be no surprises. - The total pisser was the guy called me Saturday morning around 9:00am after everyone else had already left and asked me why I wasn't going? I could have killed him. Fumed about it all day and that, no doubt, helped my bitchiness towards that lady - ok, back on track. So I told everyone that I had dinner plans so I was just going to drop off the cake and that would be it. I really was planning on going out to dinner with the firefighter so it wasn't a total lie. I knew it was going to happen and it did, but he bowed out on me for dinner and asked if we could have lunch the next day instead. Sure thing. Of course that would be ok. Anyway, so I get over to Dante's families house and am able to hang out with everyone for about an hour until Dante gets there; it is Dante's daughters birthday and he was bringing her so I really wanted to stay to at least wish her a happy birthday. While I was there I met a friend of his uncles named Bill and when I introduced myself he said "Oh, you're Mia. The woman Dante should have married." I must have looked surprised and said "Well it's nice to know he says that to someone cause he never says it to me." We talked for a little bit and Bill said that he had had a few heart to hearts with Dante and he talks about me a lot and how much he messed up with me. Bill doesn't even know the half of it. I left about 10 minutes after I got there and even though I didn't plan it this way, I ended up giving and getting a hug goodbye from everyone except him. He seemed very nonchalant about everything and we made nice for the family and I still kept up the pretense of going to dinner somewhere else because I didn't want to risk fighting or getting irritated. It was all very pleasant and when I went outside Dante's uncle and friend Bill were out front and I hugged his uncle (his uncle was leaving town the next day for awhile, another reason I wanted to go over there) and shook Bill's had, said it was nice to meet him and he just looked at me and said "Dante should have married you." I laughed and thanked him then walked to my car. Angela came out (Dante's daughter) and said goodbye again so I hugged her and wished her a happy birthday. When I got in the car and started to pull out I looked up and saw Dante had come out and was standing on the porch with Bill. Bill was saying something to him and Dante was just looking at me. I gave him a little wave and a half smile and got nothing back - he just looked at me. I wasn't sure if he saw me or not, so I waived again and again nothing. By that time I was to the point of pulling out of the parking lot and just drove away. Went to the store, got myself a piece of salmon and some asparagus and went home and had dinner alone. Got a call from the firefighter the next morning and though for sure that he was going to cancel on me, but much to my happy surprise, he did not. I drove to Auburn to go have sushi with him and it was really great. The whole time which was way to short for me, but I am trying to step back and realize that it is not all about me. The guy just got done working for two weeks strait and the only reason he cancelled dinner the night before was because he was exhausted and slept for 14 hours. I think I should feel pretty good that he wants to spend time with me on his only days off. But a part of me wants more. I am still very self conscious about my weight and tried really hard to look good and didn't get a compliment. Yikes. We stopped by a little record store on our way to sushi and I can't really say if it was feeling comfortable or a little awkward, but be sorta separated out and looked for our own music and sorta had to ease into conversation. He purchased a CD and we walked to the sushi place. Ok, it was awesome sushi, great company. The food and presentation was delicious and we kept up good conversation throughout lunch. We each had a large beer and shared each others lunch. All in all it was a very nice time. He was going fishing with his buddy after lunch and I was slightly disappointed (I did drive 40 minutes to see you and all we did was have lunch. This is the first time in over a month that I saw you, and how long will it be before I see you again?) I have to keep reminding myself that this is the only down time this poor guys has and the next day, its another 2 weeks without a day off. Not to mention that over lunch on one of the days he could call me, he had to call his buddies wife to tell her that her husband would not be able to call her and not be able to make it home fore his sons 5th birthday. The wife said she understood. Could I ever be that understanding? I really don't know. I have always made the significant other in my life my whole world and that is my downfall. I experienced so much loss when I was younger and I just latch on to everything and I clearly understand that my firefighter is not that kind of guy. He is very independent and needs his buddies. I think I may need more than that in the long run. But what a guy, so nice and sweet. He wouldn't let me see the bill and tried to pay for lunch, but I made him take 40 bucks. He usually ends up paying for more than his share and has spent a lot on gas to come and see me so I told him to go buy some beer for him and his buddy for their fishing trip that afternoon. After arguing back and fourth he finally took the money. Good boy. I don't feel right not paying for myself. Anyway, he walked me back to my car and we talked about music and he sings parts of songs from the music he likes. I love how he is so ok with just breaking out into song in the middle of the street. So we get to my car and we hug goodbye and kiss - briefly. I'm not sure what I am looking for in that department. It is 2 in the afternoon and we are standing in the middle of town (literally) so do I expect him to grab me, throw me down right there and take me? Oh, wait, that's what I WANT to happen. Big sigh. I can never tell if when he's looking at me if he is happy with what he sees or if he regrets asking me out again. I have put on some weight and always deal with the self conscious thing. Big shock. So we say goodbye and I go home and nap and get a call from Dante. He said he was surprised that I answered the phone. "I thought you hated me." I think I do sometimes, but I was feeling pretty good from a good day and just said that I was tired of fighting with him so I wanted to let everything go. He said "I noticed that you made it a point to hug everyone goodbye except me when you left the other day" Later, that statement made me wonder if it was my subconscious doing that. And then there is the part of me that wanted to hug him and have him hug me back like he used to. Those days are long gone man. Anyway, so I agree to meet him for dinner (I'm sure I will bitch about how stupid I was in the next few days). So he tells me that he and his girlfriend broke up for real (again) and I just sorta held up my hand and said I didn't really care. I did however tell him my concerns about my firefighter and of course he said that I should break it off with him (sad Dante is still one of my best friends huh?) Dante pissed me off by catching on to everything that I have been trying to deny. I do want someone who will be there all the time. That I will be first for him and he first for me. In my heart of hearts I don't think we will have a future together. Not even when he is not busy with fire season. When we first talked, he said that he thinks he is ready to settle down, but I think he and I have two different ideas of what settling down is all about. Especially since I have been down that road and almost bought the farm at the end. Another wrench in the game - the firefighter still has no idea about any of that. Reason being that we have just never made it to that point in conversation yet. I don't feel that that is something that you just toss out there in conversation you know? It takes time to bring that stuff up you know. Anyway, Dante and I actually had a very nice evening. We got a ice cream, went to the park, watched people fish and then almost got busted by the cops :) Somethings never change. (Um, we had a bowl full of pot, we were not having sex) Anyway, I went home and all in all had a good night. I got a phone call from my firefighter the next morning as he was heading out and I'm just not sure if he is just lonely too and that's why he calls and wants to see me. I know that he has got to be picked up on by girls everywhere he goes. He's a real good looking guy, beautiful smile, nice teeth, gorgeous eyes and great voice. What the hell would he want with a fat chick like me. desperation is what I think. So here I am. Another lonely, jobless day wondering where my life is headed. I'm almost 30 and instead of having an idea of where my life is going I have no idea what direction I am headed.