Now I get it and other random thoughts

I remember when my friend Pam was let go and I couldn't help but thinking that it must be nice to have a bit of a break. I mean hell, who wouldn't love to sleep in and stay home all day after staying up all night reading or watching TV? Getting up when you want, taking the dog to the dog park, not having to worry about rush hour traffic, high heels and all the other day to day stuff that gets so monotonously irritating? Me. About three weeks after Pam was let go she emailed me and the being at home thing was really getting to her. She said, and I quote "I would give my left eye to be be back at work and have something to do..." Well, I think I would probably toss a toe in there too if I could go back there. The saddest part about all of this? Today is Wednesday and my first official day of being laid off was Monday. That's right, two days ago. How stinking sad is this? How in the hell am I going to get through the next couple of months until I get another job? I started working at 15 and truly the last time I was without a job was over 8 years ago and it was by choice. Not to mention that only lasted a month and I was living with my best friend so that made things all the more easier. So much has changed since then. Granted I don't really have to worry about house or car payments, but I'm still a little nervous about relying on the state for my rent check you know? No sugar coating it here - I do not have a lot of friends. Ok, so I could probably count them all on both hands. Most of my friends are older ladies and people that I had worked with. The other pisser about not working? Work was where I interacted with people. If not for work, some days I wouldn't talk to anyone. Boy, and I thought I felt alone last week!?! I am trying to focus on my upcoming trip to Hawaii (yes, what a tortured life I must lead) and you know what I am thinking about? What the hell am I going to do over there for two weeks all by myself? And do you know that a part of me is actually throwing up reasons why I shouldn't go? What the hell is wrong with me? I am going to be able to take a two week trip for $500 out the door. Plane ticket and place to stay included, just need to buy food and get around and I am trying to talk myself out of this? I have no job, no real responsibilities at this point (The dog and cats will be well taken care of) and the 'boyfriend', hell that might be the most confusing thing in my life at the moment.

Ok, so because I am a stupid fuck I had dinner with Dante night before last. Let's back up a tad - I was supposed to go with his family on a hiking/kayaking trip on Saturday and we fought again on Friday night and I really didn't want to ruin my day and the families day, so I decided to stay home. It actually turned out to be a great day. Took the dog to the dog park and spent three hours talking to some nice ladies. Man, I have really got to check my attitude. I was a total bitch to one of the ladies because I just wanted to be left alone and I was on the defensive. What a crock. I have got to ease up and not be so rude right from the start. I really do try to be a nice person, but sometimes, I get a 'bitch build up' and out she comes. Anyway, so Sunday I made a cake for Dante's daughter (because his mom asked me to) and took it over to his Uncles house where they were having a party for her. I did give Dante a heads up that I would be there so there would be no surprises. - The total pisser was the guy called me Saturday morning around 9:00am after everyone else had already left and asked me why I wasn't going? I could have killed him. Fumed about it all day and that, no doubt, helped my bitchiness towards that lady - ok, back on track. So I told everyone that I had dinner plans so I was just going to drop off the cake and that would be it. I really was planning on going out to dinner with the firefighter so it wasn't a total lie. I knew it was going to happen and it did, but he bowed out on me for dinner and asked if we could have lunch the next day instead. Sure thing. Of course that would be ok. Anyway, so I get over to Dante's families house and am able to hang out with everyone for about an hour until Dante gets there; it is Dante's daughters birthday and he was bringing her so I really wanted to stay to at least wish her a happy birthday. While I was there I met a friend of his uncles named Bill and when I introduced myself he said "Oh, you're Mia. The woman Dante should have married." I must have looked surprised and said "Well it's nice to know he says that to someone cause he never says it to me." We talked for a little bit and Bill said that he had had a few heart to hearts with Dante and he talks about me a lot and how much he messed up with me. Bill doesn't even know the half of it. I left about 10 minutes after I got there and even though I didn't plan it this way, I ended up giving and getting a hug goodbye from everyone except him. He seemed very nonchalant about everything and we made nice for the family and I still kept up the pretense of going to dinner somewhere else because I didn't want to risk fighting or getting irritated. It was all very pleasant and when I went outside Dante's uncle and friend Bill were out front and I hugged his uncle (his uncle was leaving town the next day for awhile, another reason I wanted to go over there) and shook Bill's had, said it was nice to meet him and he just looked at me and said "Dante should have married you." I laughed and thanked him then walked to my car. Angela came out (Dante's daughter) and said goodbye again so I hugged her and wished her a happy birthday. When I got in the car and started to pull out I looked up and saw Dante had come out and was standing on the porch with Bill. Bill was saying something to him and Dante was just looking at me. I gave him a little wave and a half smile and got nothing back - he just looked at me. I wasn't sure if he saw me or not, so I waived again and again nothing. By that time I was to the point of pulling out of the parking lot and just drove away. Went to the store, got myself a piece of salmon and some asparagus and went home and had dinner alone. Got a call from the firefighter the next morning and though for sure that he was going to cancel on me, but much to my happy surprise, he did not. I drove to Auburn to go have sushi with him and it was really great. The whole time which was way to short for me, but I am trying to step back and realize that it is not all about me. The guy just got done working for two weeks strait and the only reason he cancelled dinner the night before was because he was exhausted and slept for 14 hours. I think I should feel pretty good that he wants to spend time with me on his only days off. But a part of me wants more. I am still very self conscious about my weight and tried really hard to look good and didn't get a compliment. Yikes. We stopped by a little record store on our way to sushi and I can't really say if it was feeling comfortable or a little awkward, but be sorta separated out and looked for our own music and sorta had to ease into conversation. He purchased a CD and we walked to the sushi place. Ok, it was awesome sushi, great company. The food and presentation was delicious and we kept up good conversation throughout lunch. We each had a large beer and shared each others lunch. All in all it was a very nice time. He was going fishing with his buddy after lunch and I was slightly disappointed (I did drive 40 minutes to see you and all we did was have lunch. This is the first time in over a month that I saw you, and how long will it be before I see you again?) I have to keep reminding myself that this is the only down time this poor guys has and the next day, its another 2 weeks without a day off. Not to mention that over lunch on one of the days he could call me, he had to call his buddies wife to tell her that her husband would not be able to call her and not be able to make it home fore his sons 5th birthday. The wife said she understood. Could I ever be that understanding? I really don't know. I have always made the significant other in my life my whole world and that is my downfall. I experienced so much loss when I was younger and I just latch on to everything and I clearly understand that my firefighter is not that kind of guy. He is very independent and needs his buddies. I think I may need more than that in the long run. But what a guy, so nice and sweet. He wouldn't let me see the bill and tried to pay for lunch, but I made him take 40 bucks. He usually ends up paying for more than his share and has spent a lot on gas to come and see me so I told him to go buy some beer for him and his buddy for their fishing trip that afternoon. After arguing back and fourth he finally took the money. Good boy. I don't feel right not paying for myself. Anyway, he walked me back to my car and we talked about music and he sings parts of songs from the music he likes. I love how he is so ok with just breaking out into song in the middle of the street. So we get to my car and we hug goodbye and kiss - briefly. I'm not sure what I am looking for in that department. It is 2 in the afternoon and we are standing in the middle of town (literally) so do I expect him to grab me, throw me down right there and take me? Oh, wait, that's what I WANT to happen. Big sigh. I can never tell if when he's looking at me if he is happy with what he sees or if he regrets asking me out again. I have put on some weight and always deal with the self conscious thing. Big shock. So we say goodbye and I go home and nap and get a call from Dante. He said he was surprised that I answered the phone. "I thought you hated me." I think I do sometimes, but I was feeling pretty good from a good day and just said that I was tired of fighting with him so I wanted to let everything go. He said "I noticed that you made it a point to hug everyone goodbye except me when you left the other day" Later, that statement made me wonder if it was my subconscious doing that. And then there is the part of me that wanted to hug him and have him hug me back like he used to. Those days are long gone man. Anyway, so I agree to meet him for dinner (I'm sure I will bitch about how stupid I was in the next few days). So he tells me that he and his girlfriend broke up for real (again) and I just sorta held up my hand and said I didn't really care. I did however tell him my concerns about my firefighter and of course he said that I should break it off with him (sad Dante is still one of my best friends huh?) Dante pissed me off by catching on to everything that I have been trying to deny. I do want someone who will be there all the time. That I will be first for him and he first for me. In my heart of hearts I don't think we will have a future together. Not even when he is not busy with fire season. When we first talked, he said that he thinks he is ready to settle down, but I think he and I have two different ideas of what settling down is all about. Especially since I have been down that road and almost bought the farm at the end. Another wrench in the game - the firefighter still has no idea about any of that. Reason being that we have just never made it to that point in conversation yet. I don't feel that that is something that you just toss out there in conversation you know? It takes time to bring that stuff up you know. Anyway, Dante and I actually had a very nice evening. We got a ice cream, went to the park, watched people fish and then almost got busted by the cops :) Somethings never change. (Um, we had a bowl full of pot, we were not having sex) Anyway, I went home and all in all had a good night. I got a phone call from my firefighter the next morning as he was heading out and I'm just not sure if he is just lonely too and that's why he calls and wants to see me. I know that he has got to be picked up on by girls everywhere he goes. He's a real good looking guy, beautiful smile, nice teeth, gorgeous eyes and great voice. What the hell would he want with a fat chick like me. desperation is what I think. So here I am. Another lonely, jobless day wondering where my life is headed. I'm almost 30 and instead of having an idea of where my life is going I have no idea what direction I am headed.