When will I ever learn?

I must say that I am indeed tired of always asking questions like these and wonder if I will ever find the strength to break free. To pick up from my last entry, I did hear back from the firefighter and then he was gone again. Off to another fire. Is it terrible of me to think about just walking away because I am too lonely? I mean this guy is out there risking his life for others and I am lonely so I want to walk away. OK, check that - I don't want to walk away, but I am so stinking lonely that it makes me physically hurt sometimes. I think a lot of that has to do with Dante. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why do I care? Why do I let him make me feel this way? As much as he hurt me I still can't let go. Two years later and I can't let go. The funny thing is, that I know that we could never be happy together again, so what makes me care. Even being his "friend" takes it's toll on me. I get the feeling that he really doesn't like me much. He calls when he is fighting with his current girlfriend or he loses his job or whenever he has a problem, but when everything is going good for him, I am a piece of shit. I know that he is back on crank and smoking pot and he just changes so much when he is spun out. WHY DO I CARE? WHY DO I GOT BACK TIME AFTER TIME? We fight constantly and it hurts so much. TO top everything off, I lost my job and today was my last day. He has lost his job like five times in the last two years (had the same job for the entire 7 years we were together) and I have always been there for him. Why? I am not a bad person. I am not an ugly person. Why can't I have the dream that so many other people seem to have? I so badly want to be married with kids and just have the family life and it seems to elude me at every turn. I haven't even had a real boyfriend in over two. The firefighter is awesome - when I see him. For example - I talked to him Monday night and have not been able to get a hold of him since. Poor guy. He was so tired when I last heard from him. He was supposed to have a job interview yesterday and I called to wish him luck and both phones were off. Is he OK? I sure wish that I would worry about myself as much as I worry about others. OK, enough of this pity party....

So next month (July) I am off to Hawaii. Now this might seem a little reckless seeing as how I lost my job and all, but do you know why I am able to go? Because of my friends and family that's why. My brother in law works for an airline and was cool enough to be able to get me a round trip ticket - for free. A lady that I used to work with has a niece that lives over there and is coming for a visit in July, so she is letting me stay at her place for two weeks for $500. Please tell me when I am going to be able to do this again? That's right. Never. I am so going to miss the people that I worked with. They have been there for me when my life fell apart and given me strength, support and laughter and man, I will miss them. It feels really good to be able to get all of this off my chest. I think I need to go back to school. I need to keep my mind busy. You know the old saying - love yourself and love will come to you. Well, I think I need to start really learning to love myself and see what happens. I need to not let other peoples actions have such a big influence on my life and determine what I am going to do and how I feel. Where is the strength I know I have? WHERE? There is another, happier, healthier, skinnier me that is dying to get out. A me that is waiting to live a happy life. Can I let her out? Can I find her? I sure hope so. Going away by myself will be a first time experience for me. I went to Mexico in April with my best friends mom and had a blast, but have never traveled alone. Granted my step sister and her husband will be less than an hour away, but to be alone for a while, to travel alone is a big step for me and one I think I need to take.