What a difference a day makes

For many years I have asked myself "will I ever be normal?" and have recently started answering back with "well, what is normal?" and so the search begins. First things first - I break out my Oxford American Desk Dictionary and Thesaurus and see that normal is described as "1 conforming to a standard; regular; usual; typical;. 2 free from a mental or emotional disorder. adj. 1 average, conventional, ordinary, universal, orthodox. 2 sane, stable, rational."

Ok, based on the definition above, would I consider myself normal? Um, probably not, but you? At a passing glance I'm sure you would. Average American 29 year old female: 5'2, blond hair, blue eyes, attractive, a few extra pounds, 8-5 job, renting a condo, living with my dog and 2 cats. Proud owner of a 85 teal Ford Thunderbird - paid in full and mine, all mine. Sounds pretty typical right?

Now let's look at this from another perspective - mine. About two years ago I was engaged to be married to a guy I was with for over six years, had two homes, brand new cars, a combine income of over $100,000, a step son that I adored and planed on having kids of my own once we were married. This is the way its supposed to be, isn't it? During that time, I wasn't always so sure. "Look at all the things you have, look around at your family" I would tell myself. "You aren't even 30 years old yet and look at yourself. You already have more than most people will ever have in a lifetime! Keep working hard and who knows what you will have in the future!" So please tell me why I would go through such serious bouts of depression? Why do I wake up and feel like crying? How come I can't stop picking fights and wanting to blame everyone else for why I was unhappy? Maybe I was just overwhelmed, after all, its normal to feel overwhelmed at times. Somewhere around October 2005 I started having trouble breathing and just felt like something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Looking back on it now, I guess this was the beginning of my journey for normalicy.