Lessons

So in my last pity party blog I lightly touched on some of the chaos that have been so prevalent in my life for the past 8 years. My friends, step-sister, co-workers - everyone it seemed - was married with kids. Their lives were settled and what the hell was wrong with me? How come I wasn't normal like them and had those things too? Everything I had worked so hard for was gone (I never understood how people who divorced or separated lost everything until this point) I made this guy my whole world for the last six years and he leaves me for another woman 1 month before we are supposed to be married? What is so wrong with me that I can't keep a guy? Don't already have kids? Yet there is the tiny voice in my head that yelled back 'Are you serious? You really think that kids would just fix all of these problems and feelings? Think again.' Later on I would wonder how many people I would consider "normal" think the same way I do.

It wouldn't be until I was separated for almost a year, multiple doctor visits and finally four different doctors later that I discovered that what I had been experiencing were panic attacks. Finding out exactly what was wrong with me was both upsetting and a relief. Upsetting because on top of just recently watching my relationship of six years break up, losing my home (and my rental home), my car, my stepson and all the other things that are too numerous to mention, the last thing I wanted was to start going to therapy and having to take prescription medications three times a day. I wasn't already insecure enough at this point so lets toss crazy on top of that; even better.

Why relief? Relief because sometimes my heart would pound so hard I though it might explode. My hands would get clammy and sweaty and I would feel like I was on the verge of passing out at any given time. Some days I couldn't stop shaking and worrying for seemingly no reason and believe me, this was no way to live. As embarrassed as I was about it at first, the only thing I could really think at this point was "The hell with this. I have been through enough in the last year and I will be dammed if I'm going to feel this way forever."