Will I ever learn to be happy with what I'm given?

I guess the best that I can say about myself at this point is that yes, I'm still a mess. Not a mess like strung out druggie mess, but just a stinking emotional mess. So I finally heard from my guy this morning :) Really good way to start the day, but then me being me, finds a way to be sort of upset about it because it might disrupt what I have planned in my head. Other people have got to do this, I just can't be the only one. I plan how a meeting, event, date - something like that, is supposed to go in my head and I really get wrapped up into it; so much so that I get extremely upset if things don't go how I thought they should have. I'm working on this. Anyway, so my guy calls and much to my relief says he was just out of range. Then he tells me he has a job interview for his absolute dream job which is in another state. I am truly happy for him and as I start to ask him about it, I hear the call come in for them to head to another fire about four hours away. I know, I know, you gotta go. Be safe and call when you can. 'you too take care.' Good-bye again. So, do I sound like a righteous bitch at the moment? I sorta feel like one. To be honest, I me the guy in March and I'm lucky if I have seen him twice a month since them. Do the math with me here: I would say I have seen the guy in person maybe 5-6 times - ever. The part of me that so very badly wants a relationship is like "Fuck. I cannot believe that this is STILL happening to me. Every single freaking, fucking time that I start to let my guard down I get royally fucked and I am not even enjoying it. I'm starting to get to know this guy and before I even have a half a chance to start something with someone who so far has shown a mutual interest in me and he will be gone within a few months, if it even takes that long. You know why I know that? Because I know him. He is very strong minded, goal oriented, always challenging himself to do better. This is what he wants and this is what he will get. I am so proud of him. I am so selfishly sad for me. I can also feel myself in the early sabotage stage of the relationship too. He is in really good physical condition and i am SO not. That's pretty much the big one at the moment. I'm afraid that the closer I get to him (if I ever get the chance) the more I will try to sabotage it. It's what I do best. Ok, problem # 2. If we do get closer, can I really deal with not being able to hear from him for over a week and not know if he's ok? Oh man, he doesn't know the past and can he deal with the future. Overanalyze will eventually drive you crazy no matter if it is in life, work, friendship or love. I wish I could take the advice that I spew sometime and learn to just see what happens today instead of always planning for the future. It's good to look ahead sometimes, just not all the time.

Today I did a good job of shoving anger and irritation aside and ended up having a great day. I met Dante's (the ex) mom, son, niece and nephew as well as another friend for what I thought was a hike, but turned out to be a day of lounging at the lake in Sugar Pine. Awesome. Hanging out all day with a group of people that are really happy to see me and want to be around me because I am me. Sometimes I forget that. I think I forget because the memories of them hurt too much at times. I am closer to all of them now than I have ever been, with the exception of one. One which I have never been farther apart from. The one that I love and hate and know that gone forever is everything we had and yet, in my heart, I still can't let it go. Too much story and too much hurt to go down that road right now...ok, anyway, talked to Dante and he just irritated me with his ever increasing indifference to me while I was sitting in front of Shaggy's house waiting for everyone. Mind you, I sat out in front of that place for over an hour waiting for them. After talking to Dante, I just got so upset that I was ready to call them and say that I was going to bail. Instead I sat there and tried to cool down and just tried to remember that there is nothing I can say that will make a difference when he is like he is right now. Not quite the dragon, but at the very least of of those big fucking iguanas. Anyway, I chose to let the fact that I sat there for an hour. To be honest, it was a nice morning, I was parked in the shade, it was very serene and peaceful. Was is so bad? What would I have done at home? Maybe it even happened for a reason. Anyway, I had the best time with the kids. Sometimes they bring up things that sting. They don't mean to, they are just kids. Everyone talks about everything around them anyway and man, they have seemed to grow up so quickly. I realized that there was a uncomfortable memory brought up for all the adults today at different times and it sorta made me realize that hell, we all go through embarrassing stuff and who cares? Shitty shit happens to everyone and its good to know your not the only one. Anyway, all in all good day. Can I just ever be happy with a plain ol good day? Maybe not because I am too busy looking ahead.