Thirty Something

Nope, not the TV show, just me. This week I hit the big 3-0, officially leaving my carefree twenties behind...but in actuality, how "carefree" were my twenties? Quite the opposite really - way too much caring, not nearly enough freedom. I must confess that for a few years I wondered exactly how I would feel and react approaching 30 and really, I'm not sure if I am pleased, surprised or sorta knew I'd feel this way all along. First off, I want to be clear that I am in no way even close to being upset or freaking out. When I hear of people that have nervous breakdowns or go into a deep depression because they hit 30, it makes me want to slap them. Pull up a chair sometime and I can swap some stories with you that will make you really want to lose it (and most of those things happened to me before the age of 18) I know that sounds rude and I understand that everyone reacts and handles stuff differently, but please; you've hit an age, not lost a loved one.



But 30 and alone? That I did not expect. (Pay attention - this is a great example of the difference between envy and jealousy) My best friend is 6 months older than me and for her 30th birthday her wonderful husband threw a surprise party for 40, yes, 40 of her friends and family, pampered her all day then stayed home with the kids while the girls went out afterwards. (He's an awesome guy the rest of the year too) and that was pretty much what I had hoped for at this time. Instead my love life consists of still dealing with an ex-fiance (my fault there I know) and a guy that I have invested almost a year in and still don't have a clue where the hell we stand. No kids, a new job and no idea what I really want to do with my life. No certainty or security anywhere.

And yet -

30 seems to hold something exciting too, like I've actually grown up. Maybe it's my outlook on things (Lately, I have been trying to have an "attitude of gratitude" and I can't believe just how worth it it is) or the fact that people are actually starting to see me as an adult or maybe, just maybe, it's because I'm starting to feel my age (and liking it). There is something totally liberating about realizing that you and you alone are completely in charge of your destiny. No mom and dad telling you what to do, no spouse or significant other to either blame or thank for helping shape your life - say hello to personal responsibility. Now the best I can say about that is when you are suddenly forced to stand on your own two feet, don't be surprised if you topple over once or twice. Taking care of my mom and dealing with her illness and death made feel like I grew up way to fast too young, then when I was in the relationship with Dante, I ended up becoming totally dependant and basing my happiness on someone else, so it's honestly been a revelation and learning experience on how to base my happiness on me. What a novel idea.

I guess what it all boils down to is that for all my seemingly endless bitching, I can honestly say that things are better now than they have been in a long time. And you know what else? 30 is actually looking pretty good too.