Happy birthday to me!

The night before my birthday, I was actually feeling the pre-big day excitement that you used to feel when you turned a fun age like 16, 18 or 21. Took Chico for my annual "Night before your birthday walk around the block and reminisce about the previous year" walk. It's a pretty therapeutic process anyway. Kinda taking stock of how far I've come and the stuff I've accomplished etc. Anyway, so I was totally in a great mood went to bed about 12:15 after singing to myself and slept great. I was awoken by a phone call around 6:15 from Dante's mom who sang me happy birthday, then Dante's son called me around 7:00 to say the same and yet, I was surprised I hadn't heard from Dante himself - especially because he is supposed to pick up the car I'm driving to physically take it to traffic court for a ticket he got. Mind you I had called him about 4 times the previous day because earlier in the week he kept saying that he might just stay the night, take me to work, take the car then go to court or at least just pick it up that morning cause he needed it either way. Whatever guy, just at least have the courtesy to let me know ahead of time what you want to do. What you don't do is call me 10 minutes before I leave for work and ask me to meet you 15 minutes out of my way because you are running late for court. Here is precisely how the conversation went:

M: Hello?

D: Happy birthday.

M: Awe, thank you very much. How are you? (I was actually nice. Hell, I was in a good mood)

D: I'm ok, hey listen you wouldn't want to meet me over off of the freeway by the court would you?

(Ok folks, it's my birthday, I'm in the middle of putting my makeup on and now, I'm down to 5 minutes before I HAVE to leave to make it to work on time in traffic. Oh and the court house? In the opposite direction off of the freeway in morning rush hour traffic. I don't think so Tim.)

M: No, not really. I'm just getting ready to leave and I still have to walk Chico...

D: Fine. Whatever. I guess I will just won't have it for court then. Whatever, I still have to get there by 8:30 for my other ticket. I will just figure something out like always.

At this point I hear him move the phone away to snap at his daughter 'Knock it off Amanda, I am not in the mood' then says to me: I'll just talk to you later. Then hung up.

So I got a little upset because it really hurt my feelings; I'm ashamed to admit it even made me cry a little. And then I also remembered seeing his freaking ticket in the middle console of the car. Crap. Because I guess I am a glutton for punishment and didn't want to start my day off on a down note, plus I wasn't sure if he needed it or not so I called him back.

D: Hello?

M: Hey your ticket is in the middle console of the car, do you need it?

D: No, why would I need that? I already have the court paperwork, so that is irrelevant.

Wondering why the fuck I even called him back I say Dante, this is not my fault...

D: I know that. I didn't say this was your fault ok, I'm just having a bad fucking day ok?

M: That's not my fault either so don't take it out on me then

D: You know what then just don't deal with me then

M: No problem

Then it was my turn to hang up. I sat there thinking fuck this guy. I am so fed up of this shit. What really sad is that the people he rents his new place from are dope fiends too, just like his girlfriend and best friend. For awhile he had actually stopped, put some weight back on and everyone was getting along with him, including me. Now, since he moved in, you can totally tell and he never calls, comes around and pretty much ignores me. That and I refuse to give him money any more. Funny how when one runs out the other does too. He just becomes really rude and insensitive when he does that shit and he just doesn't care what he says or does to anyone, not just me. I have lived with a drug abuser before and know the signs and symptoms, still doesn't make it hurt any less sometimes though. Then I thought "Today is my birthday and I am not letting him ruin it for me" wiped my eyes and went to work - where this other lady in another department just doesn't like me. Not sure why (I know I can be irritatingly chipper) but she just really doesn't care for me and makes not attempt to hide it. Still technically pretty new to the whole law thing as my project has pretty much kept me working at my old job where I was laid off from (hilarious huh?) You know, people who are crappy to you on your birthday suck some serious ass. So I'm asked to look for this file and everyone else I asked said this chick has it. Great. So I walk into her office, politely ask if I'm interrupting as I have a quick question. She had been typing, so she stops, sighs, swivels her chair around and said "What exactly are you looking for?" I tell her and she says "I don't know why you're even here. I don't have it. As a mater of fact, I know it's in the library." I said "Ok, thank you very much, I'll check there." I start to walk out and she gives one of those shitty little belittling laughs and says "Um, you do know you need a key for that file cabinet right?" Sighs again, then reaches into her drawer to get me this elusive key. Even fucking better. I'm trying to take the high road here so I say "Great, thanks so much. I'll bring it right back." I get over to the file cabinet, opened it up and you know what? The file I need is NOT THERE. Fuck. SO I lock it up, head back to her office and now her door is closed. God, you are such a bitch lady. I go back to my desk, tell the other chick I work with about it and she goes "Don't worry about her. She's just pissed cause her office is a shit hole and it's right under her fucking nose. Don't worry ok?" Not that in the light of eternity that this incident will matter, but still, I was feeling a little emotional as I do on all holidays or special days cause I miss my mom. The morning Dante conversation sucked and this was sure not helping my mood either. I was determined to pull my head out and enjoy the day no matter what. I was stoked because earlier in the week I talked to the firefighter and it was good. He apologized several times for seeming distant and it was a good talk. He asked what I was doing for my birthday and I said I was going bowling with my dad and step mom (not real exciting - the big party is tomorrow night - but this is sorta a yearly birthday tradition for me we started and fuck it, we all actually end up having a great time) and he said that he would like to come down and go with us. I said that I would love to have him join us, but it was Thursday night and we weren't even going to get together till 7:00 or so and I knew he had to work Friday morning. He said not to worry, it was off-season so he could be a little late if he needed to etc. So he called again the Wed. night to get directions to my dads and said he was still planning on being there and even if he had to work overtime he'd be off by 5:30 and still make it in time, but he'd still call me after work. Fast forward - the kinda crappy happenings of my birthday day are brushed off by the fact that I am going to spend my birthday with my firefighter, dad and step mom together. We all spent Easter together and had a blast, so I knew this would be fun, plus I was so freaking excited just to see him. Since this new found "life revelation"or whatever the hell it is that I'm having, I've lost about 25 pounds and 15 of those were since the last time we saw each other on Halloween. And I have to say that I think and felt like I looked really good that day. My confidence level actually sort of surprised me. Anyway, so these are the thoughts that are making my day even better and 5:30 rolls around and I head home anticipating this phone call thinking to myself "he's coming. You know he's coming. You drove up there for his birthday and it's off season. He's not going to flake or be called to a fire today." The traffic is horrendous. Accidents on every freeway; traffic packed everywhere assholes to elbows. Mother fuck. So it takes me about 45 minutes to drive home instead of the usual 20 and I still need to change, walk the dog, my feet were killing me from the heels and - I still hadn't heard from the firefighter. So now its 6:15 and I decide to call him first to let him know that we aren't going to meet up till closer to eight and to see if he still wanted to make the drive etc. and I get his voicemail. Swell. So I leave a message and decide to chill for a bit because I'm waiting for traffic to die down before I go anywhere. I relax, shower, change, walk the dog and it is now 7:00 and no call from the firefighter. Yeah. So now the thoughts running though my mind are sorta like this:

He's not coming; Just because you haven't heard from him doesn't mean that he's not coming, maybe he's working late.

This isn't like him. You know if he could call you he would. Really? Remember how distant he was these past few weeks? Seriously Mia - he's called you three times since Monday and said he was coming every time. Just relax and see what happens. It's your birthday.

What the fuck is wrong with me??? How come I cannot seem to ever have a freaking normal relationship with someone? How is it that super fat chicks, ugly chicks, bitchy chicks - I mean fuck man - even some chicks in prison, I mean murders for chrissakes, have husbands and boyfriends. It has been over two years since Dante and you and you haven't even had a real relationship. What am I doing wrong? Am I just freaking destined to be alone?

Ok man, get a grip. You are so freaking out over nothing and you know what? Oh well. You are going to go and have a good time. It's still your birthday, your 30th at that, and you are going to go out and have a great time.

He probably had to work overtime and isn't getting reception. You know that really happens. he's not a liar like Dante. Don't make him a bad guy...

And round and round like so until I just said fuck it. It's 7:15 and I've waited long enough, I'm off to my dads., grabbed my bowling ball and left. Still feeling that kinda shitty disappointed feeling when you realize that something you were really, really looking forward to isn't going to happen after all. So I get into the car, pull out onto the road and - of course - my cell phone rings.

It's him.

I am suddenly happy and apprehensive at the same time.

See? I told you he would call you! You freaked out for nothing.

Oh man. Please don't be saying you just got off work and won't be making it. Fuck. Just be prepared to hear it.

M: Hello?

FF: Hey there! Happy birthday.

M: Why thank you. How was your day?

FF: Good, long and short at the same time. So what are you doing?

M: Just now heading to my dads. What about you?

FF: Just driving. How long till you get there cause I just got off the freeway by your dads house..;

Complete 180. I am so happy and grin like and idiot from ear to ear, say 15 minutes and hall ass.


But a quick hindsight look:
So, not good that I was really that upset over the possibility of this guy not coming. Hello Mia? Not basing your happiness on someone else and making you happy first remember? However, I was extremely glad that I pulled my head out, still made sure I looked good and didn't wimp out on going bowling or dressing up just because I really thought he wasn't going to show and was disappointed. Baby steps.


I get to my dads, the firefighter gets lost on the way there, which actually worked out well cause I was able to beat him to my dad's. Would still be sorta awkward for him if he got there first. Anyway, about 10 minutes later I hear his truck pull up in front of the house. Tee-hee. He rings the door bell, so I open the door and he is standing there in his jeans, leather jacket and baseball hat, looking fine as hell I might add, holding out the most beautiful bouquet of flowers for me and a six pack of beer. I look at this guy and think "Holy shit. If end up marrying this guy, my first and last name is going to rhyme." No, really, I mean it. it would be like my very own a Seinfeld episode. I open the door and we hug, he comes in, sees the family and it's just like old times. We drink, laugh, make jokes, and just have fun together. And he and I are like magnets, for lack of yet another equally cheesy word, and I could not have been feeling happier or more confident. And what was kinda striking me as odd is while we were sitting on the couch, when we would actually have to turn to face each other, it seems like every time he looked at me full on, it was like he was looking at me for the first time and he liked what he saw. Believe me, so did I. So we head to the bowling alley to eat dinner at the counter (tradition), then go bowl a few games. The whole time, the firefighter and I are laughing, joking, and he was always putting his arm around me or kissing the top of my head - everything I had hoped it would be. There was none of the awkwardness, silence or unsurety that was there over Halloween. Even all the past few weeks and the lack of communication and obvious uncomfortably we both had seemed to vanish. After bowling we go back to my dad's house for cake and ice cream (If you're keeping up with the timeline, you will know it's after midnight right now and we both have to be at work by 8 and he's still an hour away from home. I open presents, eat cake and ice cream and by 12:45, it's time to go. We walk out together. Hug, kiss, hug some more and I tell him that I wish he was coming home with me, but to call me when he get home to let me know he got there ok. He said he would, hugged and kissed me again and we parted ways. About 10 minutes later my cell phone rings and it's him. I'm thinking that he was lost again so I answer and he said "I have a question - why am I driving away from you right now? All I can think is that I should be following her home right now. That's all sweetie, anyway, you drive home safe and I will call you when I get home."


I am floored. That is one of the nicest and most romantic things anyone has ever said to me. Ever. Still ridiculously smitten with this guy as well as confused. I still can't help but wonder if it will stay like this. He calls about 1:45am to let me know he's home and says "You know what? I miss you already. I'm going to see my mom for her birthday this weekend, but I will see you soon I promise." I tell him I miss him too, can't wait to see him etc. then go to bed with a smile on my face.

Next year, I'm taking the day after my birthday off no matter what.



















Pic of the birthday roses :)