Now what?

Well kids, in my last update, exactly a week ago tonight the firefighter came to dinner, stayed the night and ended up meeting Dante briefly the next morning (just a little awkward). In my last post I also said the last time I talked to him was last Thursday. As of today, that information is still correct. Ouch.

Much like this last weekend that has come and gone, we are supposed to go away together this weekend to see my aunt in the bay area and meet my mom's side of the family - and at this point I have no idea if that is still on or not. What's really going through my mind right now is how do I break the news (or what lie do I come up with) to my family as to why he's not going to show up? I have to say that I am getting tired of being let down. This is exactly why I hate saying anything to my friends and family about my love life because when this sort of thing happens, I am just enveloped in self doubt, self hatred, insecurity and loneliness. What's even worse is that I am too ashamed to talk to anyone about what's going on. Most everyone I know is married or in a relationship and let me tell you, advice from someone in a relationship means jack shit to you when your not in one. It's so fucking easy to say "Just walk away. You don't need that shit. You deserve better. There is someone out there waiting just for you." Then they go home to their families and you are banished from their mind for the time being. Nice. How embarrassing is it to say that a guy that you have invested a year of your time with, whom you have seen maybe a dozen times, met his family even though he hasn't met yours, isn't calling you back - at all - for days at a time and you don't know why? When you don;t seen each other very often, don't you want to at least talk to the other person? For goddsakes, am I really that terrible to be around or is it just because of the Dante thing? Something else? Who the fuck knows (obviously not me)

I did break down and call him after class tonight and got his voicemail. Now, the crazy, psychotic part of me wants to call him from a blocked number and see if he picks up. Sad? Yes. Have I done it yet? No. Sadly, that's a step up for me.

I keep trying to remind myself that every guy is not like Dante, yet shit like this makes it really hard to tell the difference.

I guess it boils down to this:

I am lonely.

I am realizing more and more that I need to make my own happiness and cannot depend on someone else to provide it for me. Not the firefighter, not Dante, not any other guy.

Yet...

I very badly want a family, almost exactly what Dante and I had except with kids of my own, not someone else's. I want to be married - for real - with someone who loves me. Shucks, that seems to be the only part of equation I am missing.