Monday, August 18, 2008
This weekend was awesome. From Friday till Sunday I camped up in Colfax and had a great time. You guessed it - I went camping with Dante's family and yes, her was there too. This was the first camping trip that we have ever been on together that we have not "been together" and really, it was probably one of our best. We did get a little testy with each other from time to time, but we never out and out fought, which actually was a first for us. His buddy Randy went too and that's ok cause Randy has finally grown on me. I met him the same day I met Dante and really didn't care for him for years. Dante said one day it would happen and I guess it finally did. Anyway, we swam and BBQ-ed and it was hot as hell when we first got there let me tell you. Only four of us (myself included) got up there first so we were the ones to set up other peoples tents, get camp set up and such. A LOT of work. It was so worth it though. Dante's son and nephew were there to (they are now 13 & 14. I met them when they were 5 & 6. Boy, do I feel old) Anyway, I got to spend some really good quality time with them and I feel like we get closer every time we hang out. I think that my not feeling intimidated has helped that a lot. I really with I could have been this relaxed and had just decided to love them and not spend so much time worried about confrontation and things that never happened. I really did waste years working myself up because I let my imagination run wild which in turn affected my attitude and thus I really was an uptight bitch most of the time. But I digress. Chico went camping with me and aside from some occasional whining (which did drive me crazy) but he was really a good dog. I'd take him again and that's saying something =) My firefighter was working so I hope he will be free next month when we are in Forest Hill. Since I'm really not sure where we stand, I am going to act "as if" and see what happens. He finally got his own place, but he hasn't even been in his new place for a full day yet and he has had it over a week. Anyway, I'm just going to see him when I can and see how things progress when off season arrives. Have my second interview at a law firm tomorrow so good luck to me =) I really like baking and think I would like to open up a cake shop. I need some school, but think I would do a great job. Let's see what I do. Peace in the Middle East.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Ah, James Brown. How that song seems to hold such significance recently. So I am a bit amazed and surprised at my self for my latest what? Acceptance, defeat, realization? I want redemption. Badly. Now, I tell myself this every so often and think I will be serious this time, but I always find a way to ruin my progress. Isn't it sad how we subconsciously ruin things because we are afraid of being happy and letting things go? And yet as I write this, I realize that I because I am consciously writing this, doesn't that mean that I can no longer blame my subconscious? That would be logical wouldn't it? Where is my strength? I know it is in there somewhere. I want so much more and yet I hold myself back. While I have done many things of Independence over the last two years, I have in turn ceased to look for things and make things happen for me. I just sit in my rented condo day after day and night after night reluctant to leave to ever go have coffee with my best friend sometimes. And I hate it because I feel trapped and wonder why after two years I am still in the same fucking predicament that I was to begin with. But what am I doing to change anything? Yeah, that's what I thought. I feel stuck in a rut trying to re-live what is over. And what am I aspiring for with that? To be second, third, maybe fourth favorite? I am tired of being old reliable and having things change for everyone else except me. I am also really realizing that until I am happy with myself, I will never be happy with anyone else. I won't be able to truly be myself and that's a shame. I have a very handsome, sweet wonderful guy that wants to spend time with me and I am avoiding him because I am not comfortable with me. How sad is this? How many more opportunities will I let pass me by? Am I really going to let this one go too? I just really want it to me my turn you know? I remember how people looked at me how different those who knew me treated me. I want to be the one to enjoy it, relish in it and for a precious few, flaunt it. Maybe it's because I'm getting older or whatever but I do not want to be like this for the rest of my life! Fuck this. Someway, somehow I am going to make this happen. It's a little disheartening to think that if I dedicated ever just a years worth of trying, this could be solved. So, what to do? I know what to do now I just need to do it.