Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Go sell your shit somewhere else, I'm full of it here

So I go to school (community college) 2 nights a week after work and tonight just happened to be one of those nights. I headed over right from work because last week was the first week of school and traffic was horrendous. No repeats this week please) My over eagerness to get there on time got me there about an hour early, so I decided that I would make good use of my time by going to get a coffee in the cafeteria and do some studying till class started. I go get my drink, head to a table, spread my stuff out and get into some serious reading and note taking when I get approached by this young guy who starts talking to me, asking me what I'm studying, what I do for a living etc. I ask him what he wants and he says he's selling magazines, but he really wants to just talk to me. Now he's cute, but he's bugging me. I'm not in the mood or frame of mind to deal with this and I flat ass tell him that he can talk all he wants, but I'm not buying anything he's trying to sell. "Figure that out after I talk to you" he says. "Go for it" I reply.

He tells me the traveling salesman story of how he's a 25 year old guy from back east and only working here for three days selling magazines of a 'higher caliber' and he's already sold 47 today and only needs to sell 50 total to make his final goal. Cry me a river guy. I say I'm really not interested and then he starts asking me things like IF I were to get one of the magazines, which one would I get? IF I just wanted to donate the subscription, which organization would I donate it to? etc. While his schpeal is going on, he keeps telling me how pretty I am, how he hopes I give him my number, cause he'd call me no matter what - as a matter of fact, what was I doing Saturday? He'd love to take me out and do whatever I wanted - but why was I looking at him like that? He was going to call me no matter what...

Please. My crapometer is in full working order and you just set it off. And by the way, If I were going to pay $40.00 for a goddammed magazine subscription, I sure as fuck wouldn't be donating it to someone else kay? Oh and if today is Wednesday and you are only here for three days, you probably won't be here Saturday right? Som-ting-wong.

All this results in like a 15 minute conversation (he was cute and a smooth talker I'll give him that one - just picked the wrong chick to try and work over) and he asks what address he can send correspondence to and I give him my old work address (keep your junk mail) and then he asks me if I have my check book and I say nope, I carry cash and he gives me a high five, says "That's even better" hand's me a receipt that he had started filling out while we were talking and hold his hand out like he's expecting money and says "It's $42.65". So I give him a 'five' right back and said "Well, that's all your getting from me" and he looked at me like I was crazy and well, here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Him: What are you doing I thought you said you had cash?

Me: I do. That's how I bought myself this coffee. But I'm not giving any of it to you.

Him: (looking incredulous) What are you talking about? You just said that you would buy two magazines - you even picked out what charities you are going to donate them to!!

Me: You said IF I I was to pick magazines remember? I told you before you sat down that I wasn't going to buy anything you were selling? I'm sorry.

Him: I agree, I can't believe you would sit there and lie to me.

- Then he walks away. I'm sitting there in utter disbelief that he seems so upset by this. Then, I slowly start to process what he just said to me. That mother fucker just called me sorry because I "lied" to him? Are you fucking kidding me? Then, unbelievably enough he comes back over to the table and asks me again:

Him: You are really not going to buy anything from me after you just promised you would?

Me: Again, I'm sorry guy, but -

Him: (Cutting me off) I agree.

Fuck you punk

Me: So, wait, does this mean we aren't going out Saturday? I mean, you just promised you would call me no matter what...you just promised!

Yup, turn around and walk away - bye, bye asshole.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Now what?

Well kids, in my last update, exactly a week ago tonight the firefighter came to dinner, stayed the night and ended up meeting Dante briefly the next morning (just a little awkward). In my last post I also said the last time I talked to him was last Thursday. As of today, that information is still correct. Ouch.

Much like this last weekend that has come and gone, we are supposed to go away together this weekend to see my aunt in the bay area and meet my mom's side of the family - and at this point I have no idea if that is still on or not. What's really going through my mind right now is how do I break the news (or what lie do I come up with) to my family as to why he's not going to show up? I have to say that I am getting tired of being let down. This is exactly why I hate saying anything to my friends and family about my love life because when this sort of thing happens, I am just enveloped in self doubt, self hatred, insecurity and loneliness. What's even worse is that I am too ashamed to talk to anyone about what's going on. Most everyone I know is married or in a relationship and let me tell you, advice from someone in a relationship means jack shit to you when your not in one. It's so fucking easy to say "Just walk away. You don't need that shit. You deserve better. There is someone out there waiting just for you." Then they go home to their families and you are banished from their mind for the time being. Nice. How embarrassing is it to say that a guy that you have invested a year of your time with, whom you have seen maybe a dozen times, met his family even though he hasn't met yours, isn't calling you back - at all - for days at a time and you don't know why? When you don;t seen each other very often, don't you want to at least talk to the other person? For goddsakes, am I really that terrible to be around or is it just because of the Dante thing? Something else? Who the fuck knows (obviously not me)

I did break down and call him after class tonight and got his voicemail. Now, the crazy, psychotic part of me wants to call him from a blocked number and see if he picks up. Sad? Yes. Have I done it yet? No. Sadly, that's a step up for me.

I keep trying to remind myself that every guy is not like Dante, yet shit like this makes it really hard to tell the difference.

I guess it boils down to this:

I am lonely.

I am realizing more and more that I need to make my own happiness and cannot depend on someone else to provide it for me. Not the firefighter, not Dante, not any other guy.

Yet...

I very badly want a family, almost exactly what Dante and I had except with kids of my own, not someone else's. I want to be married - for real - with someone who loves me. Shucks, that seems to be the only part of equation I am missing.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Looking at me looking at you

As long as everything looks good on the outside, who needs to know what the inside really looks like? As people, we are attracted to pretty things, whatever is visually appealing to us at the time. The soft, sweet, gentle, handsome, comely all seem to give us a sense of comfort whether real or imagined. Because of what they tell us, we will rearrange our schedules and sometimes even our lives because of what we hear. And we do all of these things in our quest for happiness because surely, if we accommodate these requests, demands, visions, ideas, our objects become happier and by default, that will make us happier right? I mean, if they are happier because of us, then they will be happier with us and that will make us happier. See how it all makes sense? I mean, that does make sense right?

Wrong.

Pretty doesn't make you happy. Money doesn't make you happy. A certain person won't make you happy. Things won't make you happy.

Only you will make you happy.

Once you let yourself be happy, it's funny how all those other things you enjoy seem to fall into place....

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Awkward!

So Monday night the firefighter came for to my house and from there we went to my dad's for dinner then back to my house where we watched Extreme Cage Fighting till about 11:30 then went to bed :) I did have to work in the morning, so we were up early and apparently, Dante called while I was in the shower. I was getting dressed, looked down at my phone and saw Dante's mom's number and since we still talk, I figured it was her. I go to the living room to call back (firefighter is on the couch watching TV and drinking coffee) and to my surprise Dante answers "Hey, what are you doing? Can I please come by and just vent for a few minutes? I had a shitty morning at the unemployment office and I'm going to fucking kill someone if I don't get off the road" I say sire, you can come on by, but the firefighter is here. He gets quite and asks if it's still ok if he comes by anyway. I say sure and he says he will be there in about 10 minutes. I hang up turn to the firefighter and say "So this morning you will meet my friend Dante. He's having a tough morning and is going to swing by for a few minutes to vent".

The firefighter has no idea what role Dante has played in my life. I know that sounds terrible, but it has never really come up; I mean, I don't have any idea about any of his past relationships. I guess because we are around each other so rarely, we don't talk about serious stuff to often - yet.

Anyway...

Dante shows up and I must say was extremely polite and friendly towards the firefighter, shook his hand, the whole nine. We are all three on the couch, me in the middle and all chatting pretty amicably about such things as unemployment, which both guys are dealing with, Dante about his kids and me about work. 8:00 finally rolls around and I say it's time for all of us to go and Dante is first to leave. I give him a hug and kiss on the cheek and say I will talk to him later. I shut the door, get the rest of my stuff and the firefighter and I walk out front door, hug and kiss goodbye and head off in opposite directions.

I did not explain anything.

He didn't ask me any questions.

Coincidentally, as all of the above is happening that morning in that 20 minute time span, I notice something is wrong with Chico. He is cocking his head to the right, hunching his back and sorta limping. This is not Chico-like at all as he was fine the night before when the firefighter and I got home and walked him. He slept in the bed with us all night long, there was no trash out or anything he could have gotten into but something was definitely off. That right there has my attention sidetracked. Gay as it may sound, Chico is my baby mom's know when something is wrong with their kids. He wasn't crying or anything and just finally got on the couch to lie down. I decided that I would go to work and come home at lunch. Who knows? Maybe he was trying to launch himself off the bed onto the little cat (like usual) and missed - maybe he was faking because I had company over? I'd come home at lunch and check on him.


He wasn't faking. Chico was still laying on the couch and didn't come to the door. I went over to see him and his little neck was swollen up to twice it's normal size. He tries to turn on his side so I can pet his belly and cries out. My heart just stops - what a fucking terrible pet parent I feel like. Then he starts shaking. All I can think is what if he hit his head earlier or something then I freak call the vet, tell them what's going on and they say bring him in right away. I call work, give them the skinny and they are so wonderfully supportive and I am so grateful because I don't think I could have taken anything other than support at the moment. After much debate about whether or not I need to take him to set an animal neurologist (which is $150.00 just to walk through the front door - oh and it's 45 minutes away from where I live) we decide to start off with blood work, get x-rays, get pain pills, anti-inflammatory pills and muscle relaxers which only cost me a mere $516.58.

Yeah, you read that right. But what could I do? It's my guy and he was hurting. He's just fucking lucky I didn't have to pay rent with this check. Anyway, a long story and no neurologist visit later he has been taking his meds and seems to be back to his old spry self. The swelling is gone, he can move his neck in all directions and all is right in my world.

Until we talk about my love life.

This Saturday, the firefighter and I were supposed to be going about three hours away to stay with my family at one of the cabins on my uncles property. We have been talking about this for a few weeks so this is not a surprise. I call him last night and leave a message to let him know it's ok for him to bring his gun for hunting and dirt bike for riding cause he had asked about it earlier in the week. He calls me right back and tells that his mom is coming down to bring his couch and stuff from his house in Nevada, but he's not sure if she's coming Friday or Saturday and he starting to stress about money cause he was laid off as the winter season rolls in and will be hired back on in spring. In the meantime, he has filed for unemployment and his social security number has been entered wrong, delaying payment etc. I said no worries and just call me and let me know what was up. He said sure, we chatted a bit more and said goodbye. Later on that night I'm talking to Dante on the phone and he said "You you know your guy saw you touch my hand that one time and watched you hug me and give me a kiss" I said "First off, it was a kiss on the cheek which happened while you were leaving and I did it in front of him because I'm not trying to hide you. I hugged his brother and his friends on front of him - I'm a hugger - you know that." Dante says "Yes, but does he?" all I can say is "I don't know. He never asked about you. He never said anything at all."

Hmmmm. Am I making too much out of this? Should I have said something, offered some sort of explanation? I didn't plan for this and the timing was terrible. He must be curious right? I sure as hell would be. Ok Mia, don't start trippin for no reason.

This morning I call the vet say Chico is doing better and she reminds me that he should have no strenuous activity for about a week and limited animal interaction to just my cats. Crap. The trip to the mountains this weekend - oh well. I'm not going to put the dog in the car, crated or not, and risk him jacking himself up so I can come up with another 500 bucks. No thanks. And, my boss asked me to work Saturday and then has some take home work for me. It's good, but I'm still sorta bummed and decide to call the firefighter to let him know that I'm not going either way, so he doesn't have to worry about it. When I call, the conversation goes like this:

FF: Hey, what's up?

(Damn. His voice seems sorta clipped. I knew I should have waited till at least to morrow to call)

ME: Hey, sorry to bother you again so soon, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going this weekend. I'm going to hang out here and watch Chico cause I don't think it's a good idea to drive a long distance with him, plus I now have to work Saturday. Anyway, I'm not sure if you were still planning on going, but I just wanted to let you know it was cancelled so it would be one less thing on your mind." Dead silence.

All of this has come out in a rush and I speak fast when I'm nervous. And he still makes me nervous - especially as I've called him three days consecutively although I've kept the conversations short and really, they were valid calls. I still don't want to seem like the sudden clingy girlfriend. Which I'm afraid I might become, but that's another story.

FF: Oh. Well, I was just planning to hang out up here this weekend. It's good that you're staying with Chico.

ME: Yeah, poor guy. I'll just be glad when he feels better. Its almost the weekend and I have Monday off too for MLK Day, so I'll have plenty of time to keep an eye on him.

FF: Right on. I'm just getting really to head to a party. A few of my buddies moved out together and a few more of my friends came down from Reno so I am on my way to see them - you know guys night out.

ME: Right on, have fun with the boys. Be careful if your drinking & driving.

FF: Thanks. (Kind of distracted) You got anything planned for tonight?

ME: Nothing too exciting. Going to see my best buddy, go shopping and do girly stuff...

FF: Sounds good. Anyway, have a good weekend - um - I, I mean I will uh, call you in a few days. Ok, bye.

~ Ouch ~ Can someone tell me if I was just dismissed or if I am over reacting? Is he pissed at me? Should he be? Was I wrong not to give any explanation about Dante? Is this brush off payback? Freaking stink. What do I do now? No way in hell I am calling him back to even begin to broach this girly, emotional (and possibly fruitless) conversation. I didn't plan for it, I was running late for work and I didn't want to blurt just it out then walk away.

Why in the hell do I always seem to do the wrong thing at the wrong time?

Monday, January 5, 2009

Happy New Year! (Part two)

So it is Saturday and I am waiting for the firefighter to call me back. The night before, I called him after work and then again at 11:30 (I know, but I was impatient and I said as much in my message) so finally around 4:30 he finally calls and says that his cousin called and wants him to come to dinner at her place, would I like to come so I can meet them too? I say sure and agree to meet him there around 6:00. Here we go and I am a nervous wreck again. More family?!?! Freaking really? Ok, get a grip Mia. They are probably great people ok, so just go and have a good time. You guys can come back to your place after dinner and go from there. In my attempt to try and Map Quest this "Little side street, alley-like driveway, that - no, I don't no the address, but it's about 300 yards past the main intersection..." WTF? So I try to Google Earth it to get a street view and in doing so end up running about a half hour late and I call to let him know and he is cool as usual and says no big thing, take my time as they haven't even started cooking yet. So I choose a nice sweater that hugs the curves, looks cute and serves the purpose. Nice - downside? The sweet, bust lifting bra that I was wearing (which keeps the girls up higher, not makes them bigger) developed a hole in the side and the under wire was poking out. This was exactly the moment that I was getting ready to walk out the door after already being a half hour late. I made the executive decision to remove both under wires which in turn thrusts your cleavage together making you prone to fall out of your bra with too much activity. Dammit. No time to change and find the other cute bra, just going to have to try and tuck the girls in on the sly from time to time....

So I finally leave and call him when I got close and he came out and flagged me down with the flashlight. I turn down this driveway (which I never, ever would have found on my own) and pull into a parking space (Yes, they really had parking spaces in their driveway) The firefighter comes over, hugs and kisses me and leads me off to meet his cousin. She is standing outside smoking and I know instantly that I'm going to like her. I just have a feeling. She says hello and how happy she is to meet me and she's heard so much about me etc. and I give her a hug. I don't know what possesses me, but I do. She hugs me back and it's a good one, not one of those 'holy-shit-you-are-a-freak-please-hurry-and-stop-touching-me' hug. Anyway, we head inside and meet her husband and son, we hang out, party, drink beer and cook dinner. When the firefighter is out of the room there was a twinge of awkwardness, but nothing I couldn't deal with my usual chatter couldn't cover. After dinner, her husband passed out, the son went to bed and the three of us stayed up, partied a lot, made peanut butter fudge (technically, the firefighter made it while we stood there and watched - it was delicious). Meanwhile his mom called and the cousin was taking pictures of us to email to him mom and was trying to do it on the sly until she had to ask me to spell an email address for her. Truly, I thought it was so cute. I am really surprised at how much that he has apparently talked to his family about me and about how happy they are for him and how glad they are to finally meet me. I laughed and said that I could get my step mom to email his mom some pictures if she wanted to as my family has done the same thing. All this time the attraction between the firefighter and me that is fucking electric. We are to the point where we are happy to hug, hold and kiss each other in public and private and can't seem to get enough.

About 10:50 we are talking about whether or not we are going to head back to my house - the current issues at hand - Chico was at the house waiting for me and we had all been drinking (quite a bit really. Not falling down drunk or anything, but definitely shouldn't be driving) AS we are debating, his cousin says that she has one of those big air mattresses that she could put in the downstairs living room if we wanted to stay the night there and didn't I have a neighbor or someone I could call? I thought of Dante. And you know what? I called Dante. I asked if he could borrow a car to check on Chico because I had been drinking, but I would go home to see about him if he couldn't. At first you could tell he was mad, but then he sorta grew up real quick and said "You know what girl? No problem. You stay and have a good time and I'll will go check on him." I said thanks, hung up and told them I was going to crash there for the night. The firefighter kind of looked at me and I sorta looked at him with a "what?" look on my face and he shook his head so I didn't think anything else of it. We all three go assemble the bedding which is a giant inflatable queen size air mattress, sheets, blankets, comforters and I shit you not at least 30 pillows of all shapes and sizes.

About 11:45 his cousin decides to go to bed (everyone else is upstairs except us) and we decide to hang out in front of the fire and start to make out. It was one of those things where you knew you were going to have sex so there was no hurry in getting there. NOTE: this is not true with every man and you know this ladies. So he shuts off the lights and we are on the couch while the embers are burring behind us in the fire place and he starts talking...."You are so beautiful and sexy. Your smart, brilliant, you don't take no shit from anyone and did I mention how sexy you are? You know what else I really liked? When my cousin offered for us to stay here and not to drive, you were cool with it, made a phone call and got Chico taken care of. I really liked that"

People, as I write this, it still makes my head swim and I cannot actually believe this happened to me. Really, I am not making up one word.

So this continues for another 15 minutes or so and I can't fucking take this guys 'teasin' (the way he pronounces this word just makes me shiver everywhere) any longer and suggest we move to the air mattress in the other room. He strips to his boxers and I take my shirt and bra off, leaving the jeans on as it is still a bit cold. So after I get the ball rolling so to speak, he finally teases me into taking my pants off and son of a bitch all he did was talk to me, tease me, ask me questions and drive me crazy. We are both so hot and horny, making out, whispering secrets, telling fantasies and just saying half coherent sentences have what we where feeling and half what we were thinking. Un-fucking-believable. When we finally do start to have have sex, he is on top, dominant and yet goes slow, still, STILL, fucking teases me. I am flat ass amazed that this guy is 32 and has stamina like this. No way in hell I can be thins lucky. So all track of time is lost and after what seems like a long time he rolls off, neither of us have cum, but believe me, I am not complaining. I figure what better way to give us both a rest that for me to suck on him while we relax. The whole time he is playing with my hair, pulling it (which drives me crazy) and suddenly flips me back over again and the cycle repeats itself. After the next round we take a bathroom break (yes, streaking though the house) and run back for the cover because it is freaking freezing in the house. I think we might have fallen asleep, but I'm not sure cause I was all relaxed and gradually became aware of someone touching me, opened my eyes and looked over at him and watched the a slow smile appear on his face while his touch quickened. It's over guy - you got me. 100%. Turn out the lights, the party's over. Full on, I am yours. We start to have sex again and he reaches behind my head and makes me look at him full on while he starts pounding me. Yeah. Just like like that and it was fucking wonderful. Then he would stop and go really slow and take it out, ask me questions and tell me that he just wanted to hear me scream even though he knew I couldn't. Whooped. I never in my wildest dreams ever though it would be like this.

Light was starting to break when we finally fell asleep (Naked!) And woke up to his nephew watching cartoons around 8:00, then the rest of the family woke up and I am sorta waiting for everyone to clear out so I can get dressed and watching the firefighter sleep really wondering if everything that I think happened really happened and any sort of movement at all told me that, no I was not hallucinating. Anyway, we woke up to his cousin standing over us telling us to get ready cause we were going to breakfast. We got up, got dressed, went out to eat, came back and I started to put away the bed stuff while looking for my underwear. That's right, totally couldn't find the underwear before breakfast. After that I decided to say goodbye to everyone and go home to see about Chico. We hugged and kissed goodbye and I cannot seem to stop thinking about him. I think the same is to be said for him cause he called me this morning around 7:00am to tell me to have a good day at work. Tee-hee. I really like this guy and can't wait to see where this goes next. For sure he's going away with me at the end of the month to see my mom's side of the family and I know that should be a good time, but I really want to see him before then. Now I'm starting to wonder how I am really going to like only seeing him a few times a month. On the other hand, sex inside and included, I am really starting to this this is worth every bit of the wait.

Me

My photo
31 years old, no where near where I thought I would be at this age and damned curious to see what lies around the next corner...

Things to Ponder