Sunday, November 30, 2008

Thirty Something

Nope, not the TV show, just me. This week I hit the big 3-0, officially leaving my carefree twenties behind...but in actuality, how "carefree" were my twenties? Quite the opposite really - way too much caring, not nearly enough freedom. I must confess that for a few years I wondered exactly how I would feel and react approaching 30 and really, I'm not sure if I am pleased, surprised or sorta knew I'd feel this way all along. First off, I want to be clear that I am in no way even close to being upset or freaking out. When I hear of people that have nervous breakdowns or go into a deep depression because they hit 30, it makes me want to slap them. Pull up a chair sometime and I can swap some stories with you that will make you really want to lose it (and most of those things happened to me before the age of 18) I know that sounds rude and I understand that everyone reacts and handles stuff differently, but please; you've hit an age, not lost a loved one.



But 30 and alone? That I did not expect. (Pay attention - this is a great example of the difference between envy and jealousy) My best friend is 6 months older than me and for her 30th birthday her wonderful husband threw a surprise party for 40, yes, 40 of her friends and family, pampered her all day then stayed home with the kids while the girls went out afterwards. (He's an awesome guy the rest of the year too) and that was pretty much what I had hoped for at this time. Instead my love life consists of still dealing with an ex-fiance (my fault there I know) and a guy that I have invested almost a year in and still don't have a clue where the hell we stand. No kids, a new job and no idea what I really want to do with my life. No certainty or security anywhere.

And yet -

30 seems to hold something exciting too, like I've actually grown up. Maybe it's my outlook on things (Lately, I have been trying to have an "attitude of gratitude" and I can't believe just how worth it it is) or the fact that people are actually starting to see me as an adult or maybe, just maybe, it's because I'm starting to feel my age (and liking it). There is something totally liberating about realizing that you and you alone are completely in charge of your destiny. No mom and dad telling you what to do, no spouse or significant other to either blame or thank for helping shape your life - say hello to personal responsibility. Now the best I can say about that is when you are suddenly forced to stand on your own two feet, don't be surprised if you topple over once or twice. Taking care of my mom and dealing with her illness and death made feel like I grew up way to fast too young, then when I was in the relationship with Dante, I ended up becoming totally dependant and basing my happiness on someone else, so it's honestly been a revelation and learning experience on how to base my happiness on me. What a novel idea.

I guess what it all boils down to is that for all my seemingly endless bitching, I can honestly say that things are better now than they have been in a long time. And you know what else? 30 is actually looking pretty good too.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Adventures in the ER I'd rather not have

Well it's about 9:15 or so here on the west coast of California and I just got home from the ER. I have had an ass kicking flu for about a week now, but that's not why I was there - I was there for Dante's nephew Gabe (go back a few blogs to catch up. I'm just too tired to fill you in right right now) Anyway, I'm still not quite sure how it happened, but all I know is this poor kids knee cap was up by his groin and sticking out in a direction that no bone should ever go. No shit.

Folks, when you end up at the ER, more than likely you are not there for pleasure. Your stressed, freaking out, upset and unsure. What do you want? Someone to tell you it's going to be ok, not to worry and to take you or your loved one to see a doctor. Now, trying to put myself in the other persons place, I know working at the ER can't be fun. Hurt, angry, sick, irrational, demanding, uninsured people in your face and usually, there is only one, maybe two of you at the counter to deal with the masses. Although I sympathize with your job those in the medical field, please try to remember that a little bedside manner goes a long way. But I digress...

I have to say that we were admitted pretty quick, which was nice, but that was also when things turned sorta south. So we get back in the in the initial nursing area and - lucky us - the NA is brand new. 1st day on the job new. Bless 'em, they gotta start somewhere. So this poor gal is trying to take a blood sample, pulls the needle out too soon - BLOOD EVERYWHERE. A little bit of blood goes a long way. No wonder crimes scenes look so horrendous. Anyway, so that is the time that Gabe's mom walks in and promptly passes out. Now Gabe (knee cap still up by groin) sees this and tries to get to his mom. Not good folks, not good at all. After we get mom sitting up and Gabe to an actual room after the screaming subsides, in comes the doctor who's jaw literally falls open. As the next 10 minutes pass, the doctor continues to walk from one side of Gabe to the other shaking his head and saying he's not sure what to do because he's never seen anything like it.

Really?

Just a thought here, but when I'm not sure how to do something, I usually ask someone else if they have ever seen a problem like mine or even if they might be willing to take a look at it so we could talk it over. Just a thought.

So finally the doctor calls for the nurse to bring him a shot of this stuff that looks like Milk of Magnesia the end result being it puts your out for about 15 minutes while the doctor puts your leg or whatever back into place. Gabe drinks it and looks like he's out about 10 minutes later, so the doc walks over and reaches out to touch him and suddenly his little eyes pop open and he slurs out "What the fuck do you think your doing?" Then promptly falls asleep.

Classic.

At least the doctor had a good sense of humor about it.

Three hours and a full leg brace later we are out the door. Whew. I don't like hospitals or ER's. Bad experiences, bad memories. So why do I go? Because whether I like it or not, this goes way past Dante. I've know these guys for almost 10 years; they are still and always will be family to me. The tight hugs and the teary eyes from the kids were more than enough to make me glad I came. They asked, wanted and needed me to be there and you know what? If the situation was reversed, I guarantee one of them would have been there telling me what an ass I made of myself to the doctor when I woke up.









P.S. For those of your bored enough to actually follow along from time to time, when I got home, I finally had a message from the firefighter. Sadly, I'm too tired of being sick and tired to even want to call back. On the upshot, it will probably make for a good blog later.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

It makes you wonder what they turn down

Commercials folks, I'm talking about commercials. Have you ever really thought about how bad some of them really are? And on top of that how much money is wasted on those bad commercials when it could be going somewhere useful? Being a regular consumer of well, pretty much everything, I'm all for commercials - as long as they are good. You'd think with the threat of DVR's and being able to watch your favorite show on your PC, that would give the advertising folks a little incentive to come up with something clever, witty or at the very least a snappy little tune you can't get out of your head. I mean some of them are just plain awful (How many of you have seen those gross toe fungus commercials with the fungus beast that rips off that guys toe nail or if you really think back, Paul from the Diamond Center - remember that guy? Just plain ridiculous) Who backs these sorts of visual abominations? Shouldn't someone actually watch them before they go on the air? And, dare I ask, what is deemed so bad that it ends up on the cutting room floor? Yikes. Yet as I sit here and bitch about them, a thought has crossed my mind; even being as terrible as they were and are, I remember them, so was the marketing ploy successful after all?

Won by a technicality.

Touché advertisers, touché. Just remember, you may make me remember them, but you can’t make me like them.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Damn those daytime naps

So it's midnight and I'm wide awake - thank you afternoon nap. To kill time as I wait for sleep to finally head my direction I've been checking out other blogs and I have to say that I think I'm starting to become addicted to reading them. What is it that makes other peoples lives so fascinating to us? Is it the similarities that we share or the differences that peak our curiosity that makes us want more? For me, I am fascinated as to what kinds of people are writing these blogs. You read a brief synopsis of their day, week, month etc., that takes typically 2 - 5 minutes to read, but what about the rest of the time? What else goes on in their lives outside the story they posted? What is day at work like for them? What do they sound like?

So that's it. Nothing earth shattering or mind bending, just specifically random thoughts from someone trying desperately to fall asleep before the alarm goes off in 5 hours...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Long time, no see

Well here we are in November. I haven't been writing as much as I should because my home computer in not working and I have to say that I've missed it. Boy I have a lot to fill in as my last post was August. Ok, so at the end of August I ended up going to Reno with Dante's mom and a few friends for the rib fest - totally awesome, met Bucky Covington (yup, the American Idol guy) and had a blast. The firefighter was working so I missed out on him, but managed to suffer through. My biggest complaint is that I ended up being the designated driver both nights, that and a few of the rib places sucked. Dave's however, came out on top. Anyway, we are coming home that Sunday and as we are heading over the hill, my phone gets reception and I get a message that my cousin passed away quite suddenly and unexpectedly due to complications from surgery. The next week is the funeral, then the week after that I left for Hawaii for two weeks. I had been wanting to go to Hawaii for months and then my dad and step mom decided they wanted to go too, so we decided to go together and just split the condo rental for the two weeks. Let me tell you, the idea of sleeping on a futon in a one bedroom condo with my dad and step mom for two weeks wasn't exactly appealing. On the other hand, the family lives on the North Shore part of Oahu and their house is exactly one block from the beach. the condo we were stayed is two streets away from their house so everything was in walking distance which is awesome when you don't rent a car. It was my first time visiting Oahu proper and I did a bunch of the touristy stuff and it was awesome. Pearl Harbor is an absolute must for everyone. It was breathtaking and made my tear up on more than one occasion. Seeing as how they offer visitors a 20 minute movie along with a boat ride to and from the USS Arizona - for FREE, there is no reason not to go. If you are into flea markets, this is the island to go to. Wednesdays and the weekends, Aloha Stadium becomes this gigundus swap meet and you literally walk the entire outer perimeter of the stadium and there still isn't enough room for all the vendors. The Dole pineapple plant was cool to see, Waikiki is beautiful, but very touristy and crowded. Good to get home cause I missed Chico and was tired of a bathroom so small that I could literally sit on the pot and put my feet on the wall across from it. I'm 5'2 - you do the math. I won't even regale you with the bathroom story from my step mom...anyway, so now I'm home and looking for work. It's now almost October and I have been unemployed since the end of June. I went down and met with the gal at the law firm before I left and she still seemed wishy washy about how many days she wanted to hire me for etc., so I said that I would call here when I got back and give her some time to think about it. Do you know I called, left messages and sent emails and after meeting with that chick a total of three times, she never even had the decency to call me back one way or the other? So I'm feeling a little upset and depressed at this time and ended up spending a few weeks doing some stuff I shouldn't be doing anymore. Wasted A LOT of time, money and stress those couple of weeks, not to mention what I probably did to my health. Oh well, spilt milk and all. So my old boss still called me in from time to time to do some stuff around the office and one Friday while I was there, the CFO called me in his office and said that the law firm next door was looking for some help with a project and if I had a resume handy I should go drop it off right away. Totally stoked, I printed it out, took it over there and waited for a call. No call that day or Monday so now I'm getting depressed all over again. Tuesday morning rolls around and I'm doing my usual slacker thing and the phone rings - its the law firm. Can I come in today around 1:00 to get ready for a meeting at 3:00? Of course I can; see you then. Long story short, looks like my luck has finally changed in the employment department :) I freaking love the new job, plus I'm right next door to the placer where I used to work before and still only 15-20 minutes away from work. The latest, greatest excitement is that I got a new car. Well to clarify, new to me. Funny thing - this car belonged to an old lady who lived in Auburn. Dante's mom helps her out quite a bit, so once she quit driving, she gave the car to Dante's mom. A bout 2 months ago I offered to buy it from her for a grand and she said no and gave it to her daughter (who still continued to drive her mother's car) The Dante's sister said she wanted to trade the car her mom gave her for Dante's which they did. Now Dante needs money so he can finally move out on his own so he needs to sell the car the originally belonged to the old lady. Guess who picked it up for $700 and a 85 T-bird with over 170,000 miles on it? That's right. Good stuff right? I mean it looks like everything is going my way - that is until we touch on my kryptonite topic...

Men. For a nice, surprising change, things are actually going well between Dante and me. While it's nice to be getting along so well, we still do not have a healthy relationship. I am starting to realize that I must always have some sort of chaos somewhere in my life. Excellent example: this past weekend, I spent the entire weekend steam cleaning my carpets and doing laundry (now that I finally fixed my dryer. What a dumb ass I am at times) and while I scrubbed and cleaned every inch of the house my kitchen is a mess. Yes, even as I'm writing this. Now, why in the hell would I bust my ass to clean my house and still keep it up mind you, yet leave the kitchen in such a disarray? Am I so used to chaos of any sort that I have to have it somewhere? Dante is his own special kind of chaos and I know that I will always get wrapped up in it, yet I do it anyway. At east I can say I'm recognizing it, now its just doing something about it. Ok, moving on, so the weekend before Halloween the firefighter calls me and wants me to go to Reno with him and then head to Susanville to meet his family. I wanted to go so badly, but I couldn't take time off work and more importantly, I was feeling too self conscious. So much so in fact that I blew off my two friends that offered to drive me to Reno for the night to see him because of it. What a waste. I totally should have gone. Anyway, he was disappointed, but he understood. Remember kids, I've known this guy since February and at that point we were still in the hand holding/kissing stage and there wasn't even a lot of that happening. I had gone up to his new place on his birthday and we were drinking and talking (the talking is really sorta strained at times) so it's getting to be close to 10:30 and I was just wondering if I was going to have to stop drinking and sober up for the drive home or if he would even offer for me to stay and he yawns. I asked if I was keeping him up too late and he said "No, not at all besides your the one with the long drive home, not me." Ok ladies, if you were me, what would you think? Kay, looks like it's about time to go. Have I been miss-reading signals or messages all this time? I get ready to leave and get yet another peck on the lips and hug. WTF? Really? It's your birthday guy, I drove an hour to see you, it's 11:00 at night and we've been drinking. You called me at 6:00 to say you were home and asked me to come up so you knew I was going to be there late! Anyway, so I drive home wondering what the fuck happened and think that I know in my heart, this will never ever work and I need to end it. Maybe I'll just see it through the end of the season. I mean it has been almost a year that I've put into this guy (plus he is SO hot - healthy huh?) The next day he calls me and we talk for a bit and he says "So my friend Alex asked if anything happened and I said that I didn't have a couch so I couldn't put any moves on her." Wait a tick - what the hell are you talking about? You didn't try to freaking get to second cause you didn't have a couch? What the hell kind of guy says that? Is it my mistake or do you have a king size freaking bed in the next room? Ok, so we continue to talk about every other day and apparently see each other once a month. He calls again the night before Halloween while I'm helping my buddy paint and we are having a good flow and connection. FUCK! I'm almost out of minutes and I'm covered in paint; let me call you back. So I do when I get home and we chat for a bit more then he starts texting me telling me that he wants to see me etc. This boy gets me excited and it makes me nuts - this was not helping. So the next day is Halloween. Pouring down rain, I leave work around 5:30 and stop by the store before heading home to sit on the couch and do a lot of nothing. hell of a party animal huh? So I'm at the store and my phone rings - it's the firefighter. "I sure wish you would come up tonight and let me make you dinner. I will even make you breakfast in the morning." Ok, now I'm really listening (and thinking) It's freaking pouring outside, it's already dark and you live an hour away in the mountains. Then the other side kicks in Really girl? You have another opportunity to go see this guy and really get a chance to hang out with him and stay the night. You blew the last opportunity, don't blow this one. So I call Dante, tell him I need him to watch Chico and I go for it. I finally get up there a little after 9:00 and there he is standing outside in the pouring rain BBQing. He bought me Corona and make me steak and chicken and made some terrible rice :) the problem - we drank and toked and couldn't carry on a steady conversation. I can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime except this guy. What makes me clam up? sadly, I think he feels the same way with me. Don't get me wrong, we are still having fun, watched movies all night, ate cookies, I gave him a massage (a clean one) and we watched TV till he fell asleep around 3:00. I gently wake him and suggest we go to bed. I could have laid down and fallen asleep, but you know, hand holding, stroking touching and that leads to doing what I do best. No complaints again and I put him out. By this time, I'm tired too and lay down and we both sleep. Sometime later on I wake up to feeling someone rubbing my back and shoulders...it was nice. Cold have lasted longer, but it was the middle of the night drunk sex, what do you expect? Good size, good body. So the next morning I sleep till 9:00 and he's sill asleep. I'm up and rambling around as quietly as possible and finally go back to lay down around 10:00 and he wakes up so we talk for a few minutes and he wants to get up and make me breakfast. So things kinda feel a little awkward, but I just keep on keeping on and so does he. He doesn't have cable or anything, just a DVD player so he puts in another movie and makes breakfast. Now I have my toothbrush, deodorant and such so I'm good there, but now it's almost noon and I'm sorta wanting to go. For one thing it's an hour drive home and for another it has not stopped raining at all since I have been there and I know traffic is going to suck. So I finish breakfast and say that I'm sorry for staying so late and I should probably get going to let him do his thing and he says that he had no plans at all and then asks me if I ever saw the movie Boondock Saints and puts it in. I stayed to watch it and it was great, but again the girly me is like 'we are struggling to make conversation, we had brief sex and there has been no movement towards a repeat performance, and really you don't seem that interested in me. Why do you want me to stay? Feeling guilty? Am I just a nut? So finally around 3:30 I announce I'm going to take off and he says that he wants to show me his dirt bike and motorcycle real quick before I leave, ends up showing me parts of his neighbors garden and other random stuff and then he hugs me, we share another rather chaste kiss and home I go. I call him when I get (he asked me to) and thank him again, he says he is glad I came and he'll have to head my way soon. So I call him three days later still feeling a little nervous and awkward and he is the middle of watching a movie. I tell him to call me later, he's says don't worry about it, I still feel bad and push to get off the phone. Four more days pass by with no call and all I can think is "Stupid, stupid, stupid! You knew this was going to happen as soon as you slept with him. There went almost a year of time and emotion down the drain. last week he called and text you almost every day, wanted you to meet his friends and family and now, not even a call. Jeez this road looks familiar. You know why? Cause I've been down it more than once. It's beginning to look like all my roads lead to this shitty, backwoods fire road that is so bad that you will never be able to get your car all the way down it so you better turn around or try another side road. So I knew he was going out of town last weekend and I called one more time on Thursday night (hello pathetic desperation my old friend. I almost had some self respect, good thing you came back when you did) and we chat for a bit (did I mention that Dante was over and we were in a bit of a tiff? The real reason I called the firefighter was because I was pissy and wanted to fight with someone and I was hoping for it to be him so I could have a "valid" reason to end this thing. So we chat and he says that day was the official end of the fire season and now he was packing crazy for this big huntsman's dinner he goes to every year and apologizes of has seemed a little preoccupied and out of touch lately. Holy shit all - how badly do I want to believe that? I say no worries and tell him to call when he gets home. Sadly everyone this is where today's story ends. He called yesterday evening and I told him I'd call him back later on after my friend who was fixing my computer left (to me it's rude and 'm not going to discuss anything in front of my friend from work. Sure I'll post it on a blog, but how many of you really know me? Anyway, I called him back around 9:00, left a message and now I wait. So what people pathetic? Sad? DO I run like hell? Should he run like hell? I'll keep you posted as I know more because when something happens to me I'm usually the first to know about it.

Me

My photo
31 years old, no where near where I thought I would be at this age and damned curious to see what lies around the next corner...

Things to Ponder