See ya next year - part one

So Monday night the fire fighter calls me and says that his brother, sister-in-law and nephew were in town and asked if I wanted to come up to his place for dinner. I said sure, left work a little early and headed up the hill to see him. And, I am a nervous wreck. I haven't seen him since my birthday and I'm totally stoked to see him and sweating bullets to meet the family. You never know. Some people are super critical and protective of their family members, but I was hoping for the best.

Anyway...

I get off work a little early and being the planner I am, I brought a pair of jeans, t-shirt and sweat shirt with me in case I wanted to change, but I decided to stay in my work clothes cause I was wearing a super cute and very curve showing off outfit and thought it would look more presentable so decided not to change before I get up there. It takes me about an hour to get there and I am pleasantly surprised to see that there is snow on the ground. I have lived in this general area for about 27 years and there has only been one time that I ever remember it snowing here and I was about 5. It took all the snow we had in the front yard to make a snowman about 2 feet high so it was kind of a nice surprise not to expect it and see it. Anyway, so I pull into his place and see like three other cars there. I pull on my jacket, get out of the car and start to walk towards the small group of people when he sees me and comes over to give me a hug. He says "Oh, Adan and Roger from the firehouse came by today to do some dirt bike riding and they decided to stay for dinner too." Yea! Just when I thought I couldn't get anymore nervous! So the first person I meet is his brother and I go to shake his hand and he says "Can I have a hug?" Ok, good start. At least they are not uptight or anything. I then get introduced to the rest of his family and friends and they were awesome. We stood outside around a bond fire he built in the snow (which was so fucking cool to do) and drank beer and BBQed until his brother had a little too much to drink and we had to move it inside because he well, fell into the fire among other places more than once. Anyway, towards the end of the night the firefighter went out to tend to the bond fire so I decided to slip put with him to get a little one on one time. We ended up standing outside for about 45 minutes in the freezing cold, no jackets, warmed by the bond fire and neither of us giving a shit about being cold. We hugged, talked, made out, laughed, got serious, stood silent and just enjoyed the time together. The awkwardness is all but gone and if there were perhaps a spark between us before, it is now a full blown blaze. All night long he kept telling me how sexy I looked and how he can't stop thinking about me and all these other unbelievable things that women only fantasize about any man saying to them let alone a fucking super hot firefighter.

If this is a dream, please don't wake me up.

By now it's getting to be around 10:30 and I still have an hour drive home from the mountains and I have to work tomorrow so we head inside so I can say goodbye to everyone. They are great, both hug me goodbye, his buddies hug me goodbye and he walks me to my car where we stand there and make out like kids for the next 10 minutes. Finally, I pry myself away and drive home grinning like an idiot. About 45 minutes later he calls to make sure that I am getting home safely then texts me about 20 minutes after that to say that he wants to meet me fore New Years Eve and to call him after work tomorrow etc...

Oh man. I am so stinking excited that I can barley contain myself. I text him back that I'm down and I'll call him when I get home. The next night after work I give him a call and he says that hes heading down to his cousins, but he doesn't sound like his normal self, so I ask if he's ok. He says that his brother became even more inebriated after I left (which I just didn't even want to fathom) and that the whole day had really just been sort of a trial. Ah, funny, because of Dante, my afternoon became jacked up as well. Too long of a story to tell, but Dante and I were supposed to hang out that night and celebrate New Year's. All kinds of shit happened at work so I went to see one of my friends to talk about everything and called Dante to say I was going to be late. He got upset and said "Are you coming over or not?" and I said "Eventually" which pissed him off cause he thought I was going out with the firefighter. Fool. I knew it was not to be with the firefighter that night and really, I was ok with it. The whole end of the day went sota shitty and then I got reamed by Dante who is (finally!) getting a taste of his own medicine. I called him a little later on to ask if I was done being mad at me for no reason and he cut me of and said to call him tomorrow. You know what guy? Ok. So I went home and celebrated my way with Chico and the cats and ended up falling asleep on the couch around 11:30. Sadly, the firefighter text me at 11:52 to tell me there was patchy fog, but he made it home. I didn't get the message till 2:40am. :( I text him anyway and went back to sleep.

The day after New Years Day he called me about 1:45 and I asked him to come for dinner Saturday and he said yes and to call him after work to make plans. Then I said to myself "You do realize that he is probably going to stay the night right?" As Sam from Quantum Leap would say "Oh boy"...

Second verse, same as the first

Today at work I got tickets to the King's basketball game tonight and I immediately thought of the firefighter. When we first started dating, I had gotten tickets and we went together and had the best time. It was also the first time I got to see him with his mohawk in full effect...

The plus to it being winter is that it is off season so he has extra time now to do things, but when the weather gets bad and the roads get icy (he lives in the mountains) he really doesn't like to drive down the hill (which I totally can't blame him) while I on the other hand don't like him to drink and drive home, especially in those conditions. In any event I figured that I would give it a shot and maybe if he did come down he could just stay the night and...

Anyway,

I called him at 11:30 and he said that he was in the middle of a burn which was tough cause there was 2 feet of snow on the ground, but he wanted to go and would call me later to let me know. Ok, kind of a dick move on my part, but I was kinda thinking the firefighter was out so I text Dante and asked if either of the boys were free so I could take one of them to the game. He calls back and leaves me this message: "Hi, yeah, I'm sure one of them would want to go, but which one are you going to take? Remember Gabe's knee and Elijah hasn't been feeling good today, but I could ever go with you if you want. Just let me know." I got to thinking about it and its like how the hell can I choose between the boys? I only had two tickets. Grrr. Dante and I have been getting along ok and I at least know that he doesn't drink, so I could have a beer and he would be my designated driver. Safety first and all. So I hold off on calling Dante back until I hear from the firefighter (I know, I know, but there's always hope). I'm pulling into the garage around 5:30 and the firefighter calls. he tells me the roads have iced over and it's snowing again so he's really sorry, but he's going to stay up there tonight. I say no worries and really, I was thinking it was going to work out for the best anyway, so we've agreed to meet up this weekend. I now send Dante a text (his phone has been shut off for 2 weeks, but it still gets texts) saying "I'm taking you so be ready by 6:45." I'm on my way over and he calls, asks how far away I am and then asks me if I can take him to pick something up real quick before we go. I say sure and show up at his place 10 minutes later. I knock on the door, no answer. I go next door to his sisters and they have not seen him. I go across the street to see him hanging out with the neighbors. Cool people I will give them that. So as we are getting ready to leave he says to me "We better hurry and go get this if we are going so we aren't late" then I hear him say "We'll be back in just a few minutes" to the neighbors. Thought it was a little weird and it doesn't yet sink it quite yet. Then we are in the car and he says let me borrow your phone so I can call Jess and let him know we are close. I give him my phone and he calls his M-Fing crank dealer. People, he is doing all this sitting right next to me. How stupid are you guy? Did you think that I would miss the fact that you called Jess another name? Then he hangs up and says "You know, I'm not feeling well, so maybe you should have one of the boys go with you. Plus, I forgot I have to run Dan's house and drop off some stuff I borrowed from him"

Really? So 15 minutes ago when you called and said you were ready to go to the game, you were feeling great and didn't have someplace else to be? More like you really had no intention of going with me. You wanted me to come over and drive you around to pick up your shit, then give me on lame ass excuse after another. Oh and at this time, the game has already started, great free seats and I'm missing it for this shit. I mentioned that he must not have been too bad as he was hanging out at the neighbors house getting high - which abruptly started another fight. Whatever. I ended up taking his son and we had such a good time. The won by 20 points and I was able just to laugh and have fun which was what I really wanted to do all along. I text Dante on the way home and he called me back - from the neighbors - and said text me when you get close so I can go home and open the door for you guys. I hung up the phone and Elijah looks at me and says "Is the phone off? " I say yes and he said "I just didn't want him to overhear, but he's obviously not that sick if he feels good enough to go hang out at the neighbors the whole time we were gone." What do I say to that? Yeah, I know. Anyway, so once again, I take the title of Queen of the Lame Asses. Foiled again by trying to give Dante the benefit of the doubt. Oh well. in the bigger and perhaps the most important picture, I realized I got exactly what I wanted without having to even pay for a beer.

Vintage Mia

The day after my birthday, was a long one and next year, I am for damn sure taking that day off - I got to work that morning, got out of my car, walked over to the curb, tripped, fell, landed - hard - on my hands & knees and yard-saled the entire contents of my purse. And did I mention that while all this was happening, a hot, young tax attorney I work with (just turned 26 - freakin hot) chose this particular moment to pull up in his beamer? And the biggest pisser of all? I dropped my just opened 1/2 liter bottle of Diet Coke and foamed the shit out of it. I was slightly hung over and all I wanted was a freaking deliciously cold Diet Coke. We've all got something we crave the next morning after a night of drinking right? Man, that really pissed me off. Anyway, I look back over my shoulder to see this guy Jay, pull up and ask me If I'm ok. Shit. This figures, but I had to start laughing because what the hell else do you do? Sadly, I've done more embarrassing things...Anyway, I pick myself up off the ground, get my stuff and turn around and he says "Don't worry, it always seems more embarrassing than it really is."


Um, no. I hate to correct you son, but that was pretty fucking embarrassing. I at least had enough spunk to say "You know what really pissed me off about all this? I foamed my soda". In reality, I wanted to sit on the ground, grab my knees and cry. It hurt so bad. I have a huge bruise on one leg, a gash on the other, both skinned knees and a skinned ankle. I am totally amazed that my pants didn't rip and I guarantee that I will be buying the same brand again. Anyway, Jay laughed and we walked and chatted on the way into work. On the upshot, there is absolutely no easier way to get someone comfortable with you that to make a complete ass of yourself unexpectedly. Par for the course when you're me.

Happy birthday to me!

The night before my birthday, I was actually feeling the pre-big day excitement that you used to feel when you turned a fun age like 16, 18 or 21. Took Chico for my annual "Night before your birthday walk around the block and reminisce about the previous year" walk. It's a pretty therapeutic process anyway. Kinda taking stock of how far I've come and the stuff I've accomplished etc. Anyway, so I was totally in a great mood went to bed about 12:15 after singing to myself and slept great. I was awoken by a phone call around 6:15 from Dante's mom who sang me happy birthday, then Dante's son called me around 7:00 to say the same and yet, I was surprised I hadn't heard from Dante himself - especially because he is supposed to pick up the car I'm driving to physically take it to traffic court for a ticket he got. Mind you I had called him about 4 times the previous day because earlier in the week he kept saying that he might just stay the night, take me to work, take the car then go to court or at least just pick it up that morning cause he needed it either way. Whatever guy, just at least have the courtesy to let me know ahead of time what you want to do. What you don't do is call me 10 minutes before I leave for work and ask me to meet you 15 minutes out of my way because you are running late for court. Here is precisely how the conversation went:

M: Hello?

D: Happy birthday.

M: Awe, thank you very much. How are you? (I was actually nice. Hell, I was in a good mood)

D: I'm ok, hey listen you wouldn't want to meet me over off of the freeway by the court would you?

(Ok folks, it's my birthday, I'm in the middle of putting my makeup on and now, I'm down to 5 minutes before I HAVE to leave to make it to work on time in traffic. Oh and the court house? In the opposite direction off of the freeway in morning rush hour traffic. I don't think so Tim.)

M: No, not really. I'm just getting ready to leave and I still have to walk Chico...

D: Fine. Whatever. I guess I will just won't have it for court then. Whatever, I still have to get there by 8:30 for my other ticket. I will just figure something out like always.

At this point I hear him move the phone away to snap at his daughter 'Knock it off Amanda, I am not in the mood' then says to me: I'll just talk to you later. Then hung up.

So I got a little upset because it really hurt my feelings; I'm ashamed to admit it even made me cry a little. And then I also remembered seeing his freaking ticket in the middle console of the car. Crap. Because I guess I am a glutton for punishment and didn't want to start my day off on a down note, plus I wasn't sure if he needed it or not so I called him back.

D: Hello?

M: Hey your ticket is in the middle console of the car, do you need it?

D: No, why would I need that? I already have the court paperwork, so that is irrelevant.

Wondering why the fuck I even called him back I say Dante, this is not my fault...

D: I know that. I didn't say this was your fault ok, I'm just having a bad fucking day ok?

M: That's not my fault either so don't take it out on me then

D: You know what then just don't deal with me then

M: No problem

Then it was my turn to hang up. I sat there thinking fuck this guy. I am so fed up of this shit. What really sad is that the people he rents his new place from are dope fiends too, just like his girlfriend and best friend. For awhile he had actually stopped, put some weight back on and everyone was getting along with him, including me. Now, since he moved in, you can totally tell and he never calls, comes around and pretty much ignores me. That and I refuse to give him money any more. Funny how when one runs out the other does too. He just becomes really rude and insensitive when he does that shit and he just doesn't care what he says or does to anyone, not just me. I have lived with a drug abuser before and know the signs and symptoms, still doesn't make it hurt any less sometimes though. Then I thought "Today is my birthday and I am not letting him ruin it for me" wiped my eyes and went to work - where this other lady in another department just doesn't like me. Not sure why (I know I can be irritatingly chipper) but she just really doesn't care for me and makes not attempt to hide it. Still technically pretty new to the whole law thing as my project has pretty much kept me working at my old job where I was laid off from (hilarious huh?) You know, people who are crappy to you on your birthday suck some serious ass. So I'm asked to look for this file and everyone else I asked said this chick has it. Great. So I walk into her office, politely ask if I'm interrupting as I have a quick question. She had been typing, so she stops, sighs, swivels her chair around and said "What exactly are you looking for?" I tell her and she says "I don't know why you're even here. I don't have it. As a mater of fact, I know it's in the library." I said "Ok, thank you very much, I'll check there." I start to walk out and she gives one of those shitty little belittling laughs and says "Um, you do know you need a key for that file cabinet right?" Sighs again, then reaches into her drawer to get me this elusive key. Even fucking better. I'm trying to take the high road here so I say "Great, thanks so much. I'll bring it right back." I get over to the file cabinet, opened it up and you know what? The file I need is NOT THERE. Fuck. SO I lock it up, head back to her office and now her door is closed. God, you are such a bitch lady. I go back to my desk, tell the other chick I work with about it and she goes "Don't worry about her. She's just pissed cause her office is a shit hole and it's right under her fucking nose. Don't worry ok?" Not that in the light of eternity that this incident will matter, but still, I was feeling a little emotional as I do on all holidays or special days cause I miss my mom. The morning Dante conversation sucked and this was sure not helping my mood either. I was determined to pull my head out and enjoy the day no matter what. I was stoked because earlier in the week I talked to the firefighter and it was good. He apologized several times for seeming distant and it was a good talk. He asked what I was doing for my birthday and I said I was going bowling with my dad and step mom (not real exciting - the big party is tomorrow night - but this is sorta a yearly birthday tradition for me we started and fuck it, we all actually end up having a great time) and he said that he would like to come down and go with us. I said that I would love to have him join us, but it was Thursday night and we weren't even going to get together till 7:00 or so and I knew he had to work Friday morning. He said not to worry, it was off-season so he could be a little late if he needed to etc. So he called again the Wed. night to get directions to my dads and said he was still planning on being there and even if he had to work overtime he'd be off by 5:30 and still make it in time, but he'd still call me after work. Fast forward - the kinda crappy happenings of my birthday day are brushed off by the fact that I am going to spend my birthday with my firefighter, dad and step mom together. We all spent Easter together and had a blast, so I knew this would be fun, plus I was so freaking excited just to see him. Since this new found "life revelation"or whatever the hell it is that I'm having, I've lost about 25 pounds and 15 of those were since the last time we saw each other on Halloween. And I have to say that I think and felt like I looked really good that day. My confidence level actually sort of surprised me. Anyway, so these are the thoughts that are making my day even better and 5:30 rolls around and I head home anticipating this phone call thinking to myself "he's coming. You know he's coming. You drove up there for his birthday and it's off season. He's not going to flake or be called to a fire today." The traffic is horrendous. Accidents on every freeway; traffic packed everywhere assholes to elbows. Mother fuck. So it takes me about 45 minutes to drive home instead of the usual 20 and I still need to change, walk the dog, my feet were killing me from the heels and - I still hadn't heard from the firefighter. So now its 6:15 and I decide to call him first to let him know that we aren't going to meet up till closer to eight and to see if he still wanted to make the drive etc. and I get his voicemail. Swell. So I leave a message and decide to chill for a bit because I'm waiting for traffic to die down before I go anywhere. I relax, shower, change, walk the dog and it is now 7:00 and no call from the firefighter. Yeah. So now the thoughts running though my mind are sorta like this:

He's not coming; Just because you haven't heard from him doesn't mean that he's not coming, maybe he's working late.

This isn't like him. You know if he could call you he would. Really? Remember how distant he was these past few weeks? Seriously Mia - he's called you three times since Monday and said he was coming every time. Just relax and see what happens. It's your birthday.

What the fuck is wrong with me??? How come I cannot seem to ever have a freaking normal relationship with someone? How is it that super fat chicks, ugly chicks, bitchy chicks - I mean fuck man - even some chicks in prison, I mean murders for chrissakes, have husbands and boyfriends. It has been over two years since Dante and you and you haven't even had a real relationship. What am I doing wrong? Am I just freaking destined to be alone?

Ok man, get a grip. You are so freaking out over nothing and you know what? Oh well. You are going to go and have a good time. It's still your birthday, your 30th at that, and you are going to go out and have a great time.

He probably had to work overtime and isn't getting reception. You know that really happens. he's not a liar like Dante. Don't make him a bad guy...

And round and round like so until I just said fuck it. It's 7:15 and I've waited long enough, I'm off to my dads., grabbed my bowling ball and left. Still feeling that kinda shitty disappointed feeling when you realize that something you were really, really looking forward to isn't going to happen after all. So I get into the car, pull out onto the road and - of course - my cell phone rings.

It's him.

I am suddenly happy and apprehensive at the same time.

See? I told you he would call you! You freaked out for nothing.

Oh man. Please don't be saying you just got off work and won't be making it. Fuck. Just be prepared to hear it.

M: Hello?

FF: Hey there! Happy birthday.

M: Why thank you. How was your day?

FF: Good, long and short at the same time. So what are you doing?

M: Just now heading to my dads. What about you?

FF: Just driving. How long till you get there cause I just got off the freeway by your dads house..;

Complete 180. I am so happy and grin like and idiot from ear to ear, say 15 minutes and hall ass.


But a quick hindsight look:
So, not good that I was really that upset over the possibility of this guy not coming. Hello Mia? Not basing your happiness on someone else and making you happy first remember? However, I was extremely glad that I pulled my head out, still made sure I looked good and didn't wimp out on going bowling or dressing up just because I really thought he wasn't going to show and was disappointed. Baby steps.


I get to my dads, the firefighter gets lost on the way there, which actually worked out well cause I was able to beat him to my dad's. Would still be sorta awkward for him if he got there first. Anyway, about 10 minutes later I hear his truck pull up in front of the house. Tee-hee. He rings the door bell, so I open the door and he is standing there in his jeans, leather jacket and baseball hat, looking fine as hell I might add, holding out the most beautiful bouquet of flowers for me and a six pack of beer. I look at this guy and think "Holy shit. If end up marrying this guy, my first and last name is going to rhyme." No, really, I mean it. it would be like my very own a Seinfeld episode. I open the door and we hug, he comes in, sees the family and it's just like old times. We drink, laugh, make jokes, and just have fun together. And he and I are like magnets, for lack of yet another equally cheesy word, and I could not have been feeling happier or more confident. And what was kinda striking me as odd is while we were sitting on the couch, when we would actually have to turn to face each other, it seems like every time he looked at me full on, it was like he was looking at me for the first time and he liked what he saw. Believe me, so did I. So we head to the bowling alley to eat dinner at the counter (tradition), then go bowl a few games. The whole time, the firefighter and I are laughing, joking, and he was always putting his arm around me or kissing the top of my head - everything I had hoped it would be. There was none of the awkwardness, silence or unsurety that was there over Halloween. Even all the past few weeks and the lack of communication and obvious uncomfortably we both had seemed to vanish. After bowling we go back to my dad's house for cake and ice cream (If you're keeping up with the timeline, you will know it's after midnight right now and we both have to be at work by 8 and he's still an hour away from home. I open presents, eat cake and ice cream and by 12:45, it's time to go. We walk out together. Hug, kiss, hug some more and I tell him that I wish he was coming home with me, but to call me when he get home to let me know he got there ok. He said he would, hugged and kissed me again and we parted ways. About 10 minutes later my cell phone rings and it's him. I'm thinking that he was lost again so I answer and he said "I have a question - why am I driving away from you right now? All I can think is that I should be following her home right now. That's all sweetie, anyway, you drive home safe and I will call you when I get home."


I am floored. That is one of the nicest and most romantic things anyone has ever said to me. Ever. Still ridiculously smitten with this guy as well as confused. I still can't help but wonder if it will stay like this. He calls about 1:45am to let me know he's home and says "You know what? I miss you already. I'm going to see my mom for her birthday this weekend, but I will see you soon I promise." I tell him I miss him too, can't wait to see him etc. then go to bed with a smile on my face.

Next year, I'm taking the day after my birthday off no matter what.



















Pic of the birthday roses :)

Thirty Something

Nope, not the TV show, just me. This week I hit the big 3-0, officially leaving my carefree twenties behind...but in actuality, how "carefree" were my twenties? Quite the opposite really - way too much caring, not nearly enough freedom. I must confess that for a few years I wondered exactly how I would feel and react approaching 30 and really, I'm not sure if I am pleased, surprised or sorta knew I'd feel this way all along. First off, I want to be clear that I am in no way even close to being upset or freaking out. When I hear of people that have nervous breakdowns or go into a deep depression because they hit 30, it makes me want to slap them. Pull up a chair sometime and I can swap some stories with you that will make you really want to lose it (and most of those things happened to me before the age of 18) I know that sounds rude and I understand that everyone reacts and handles stuff differently, but please; you've hit an age, not lost a loved one.



But 30 and alone? That I did not expect. (Pay attention - this is a great example of the difference between envy and jealousy) My best friend is 6 months older than me and for her 30th birthday her wonderful husband threw a surprise party for 40, yes, 40 of her friends and family, pampered her all day then stayed home with the kids while the girls went out afterwards. (He's an awesome guy the rest of the year too) and that was pretty much what I had hoped for at this time. Instead my love life consists of still dealing with an ex-fiance (my fault there I know) and a guy that I have invested almost a year in and still don't have a clue where the hell we stand. No kids, a new job and no idea what I really want to do with my life. No certainty or security anywhere.

And yet -

30 seems to hold something exciting too, like I've actually grown up. Maybe it's my outlook on things (Lately, I have been trying to have an "attitude of gratitude" and I can't believe just how worth it it is) or the fact that people are actually starting to see me as an adult or maybe, just maybe, it's because I'm starting to feel my age (and liking it). There is something totally liberating about realizing that you and you alone are completely in charge of your destiny. No mom and dad telling you what to do, no spouse or significant other to either blame or thank for helping shape your life - say hello to personal responsibility. Now the best I can say about that is when you are suddenly forced to stand on your own two feet, don't be surprised if you topple over once or twice. Taking care of my mom and dealing with her illness and death made feel like I grew up way to fast too young, then when I was in the relationship with Dante, I ended up becoming totally dependant and basing my happiness on someone else, so it's honestly been a revelation and learning experience on how to base my happiness on me. What a novel idea.

I guess what it all boils down to is that for all my seemingly endless bitching, I can honestly say that things are better now than they have been in a long time. And you know what else? 30 is actually looking pretty good too.

Adventures in the ER I'd rather not have

Well it's about 9:15 or so here on the west coast of California and I just got home from the ER. I have had an ass kicking flu for about a week now, but that's not why I was there - I was there for Dante's nephew Gabe (go back a few blogs to catch up. I'm just too tired to fill you in right right now) Anyway, I'm still not quite sure how it happened, but all I know is this poor kids knee cap was up by his groin and sticking out in a direction that no bone should ever go. No shit.

Folks, when you end up at the ER, more than likely you are not there for pleasure. Your stressed, freaking out, upset and unsure. What do you want? Someone to tell you it's going to be ok, not to worry and to take you or your loved one to see a doctor. Now, trying to put myself in the other persons place, I know working at the ER can't be fun. Hurt, angry, sick, irrational, demanding, uninsured people in your face and usually, there is only one, maybe two of you at the counter to deal with the masses. Although I sympathize with your job those in the medical field, please try to remember that a little bedside manner goes a long way. But I digress...

I have to say that we were admitted pretty quick, which was nice, but that was also when things turned sorta south. So we get back in the in the initial nursing area and - lucky us - the NA is brand new. 1st day on the job new. Bless 'em, they gotta start somewhere. So this poor gal is trying to take a blood sample, pulls the needle out too soon - BLOOD EVERYWHERE. A little bit of blood goes a long way. No wonder crimes scenes look so horrendous. Anyway, so that is the time that Gabe's mom walks in and promptly passes out. Now Gabe (knee cap still up by groin) sees this and tries to get to his mom. Not good folks, not good at all. After we get mom sitting up and Gabe to an actual room after the screaming subsides, in comes the doctor who's jaw literally falls open. As the next 10 minutes pass, the doctor continues to walk from one side of Gabe to the other shaking his head and saying he's not sure what to do because he's never seen anything like it.

Really?

Just a thought here, but when I'm not sure how to do something, I usually ask someone else if they have ever seen a problem like mine or even if they might be willing to take a look at it so we could talk it over. Just a thought.

So finally the doctor calls for the nurse to bring him a shot of this stuff that looks like Milk of Magnesia the end result being it puts your out for about 15 minutes while the doctor puts your leg or whatever back into place. Gabe drinks it and looks like he's out about 10 minutes later, so the doc walks over and reaches out to touch him and suddenly his little eyes pop open and he slurs out "What the fuck do you think your doing?" Then promptly falls asleep.

Classic.

At least the doctor had a good sense of humor about it.

Three hours and a full leg brace later we are out the door. Whew. I don't like hospitals or ER's. Bad experiences, bad memories. So why do I go? Because whether I like it or not, this goes way past Dante. I've know these guys for almost 10 years; they are still and always will be family to me. The tight hugs and the teary eyes from the kids were more than enough to make me glad I came. They asked, wanted and needed me to be there and you know what? If the situation was reversed, I guarantee one of them would have been there telling me what an ass I made of myself to the doctor when I woke up.









P.S. For those of your bored enough to actually follow along from time to time, when I got home, I finally had a message from the firefighter. Sadly, I'm too tired of being sick and tired to even want to call back. On the upshot, it will probably make for a good blog later.

It makes you wonder what they turn down

Commercials folks, I'm talking about commercials. Have you ever really thought about how bad some of them really are? And on top of that how much money is wasted on those bad commercials when it could be going somewhere useful? Being a regular consumer of well, pretty much everything, I'm all for commercials - as long as they are good. You'd think with the threat of DVR's and being able to watch your favorite show on your PC, that would give the advertising folks a little incentive to come up with something clever, witty or at the very least a snappy little tune you can't get out of your head. I mean some of them are just plain awful (How many of you have seen those gross toe fungus commercials with the fungus beast that rips off that guys toe nail or if you really think back, Paul from the Diamond Center - remember that guy? Just plain ridiculous) Who backs these sorts of visual abominations? Shouldn't someone actually watch them before they go on the air? And, dare I ask, what is deemed so bad that it ends up on the cutting room floor? Yikes. Yet as I sit here and bitch about them, a thought has crossed my mind; even being as terrible as they were and are, I remember them, so was the marketing ploy successful after all?

Won by a technicality.

Touché advertisers, touché. Just remember, you may make me remember them, but you can’t make me like them.

Damn those daytime naps

So it's midnight and I'm wide awake - thank you afternoon nap. To kill time as I wait for sleep to finally head my direction I've been checking out other blogs and I have to say that I think I'm starting to become addicted to reading them. What is it that makes other peoples lives so fascinating to us? Is it the similarities that we share or the differences that peak our curiosity that makes us want more? For me, I am fascinated as to what kinds of people are writing these blogs. You read a brief synopsis of their day, week, month etc., that takes typically 2 - 5 minutes to read, but what about the rest of the time? What else goes on in their lives outside the story they posted? What is day at work like for them? What do they sound like?

So that's it. Nothing earth shattering or mind bending, just specifically random thoughts from someone trying desperately to fall asleep before the alarm goes off in 5 hours...

Long time, no see

Well here we are in November. I haven't been writing as much as I should because my home computer in not working and I have to say that I've missed it. Boy I have a lot to fill in as my last post was August. Ok, so at the end of August I ended up going to Reno with Dante's mom and a few friends for the rib fest - totally awesome, met Bucky Covington (yup, the American Idol guy) and had a blast. The firefighter was working so I missed out on him, but managed to suffer through. My biggest complaint is that I ended up being the designated driver both nights, that and a few of the rib places sucked. Dave's however, came out on top. Anyway, we are coming home that Sunday and as we are heading over the hill, my phone gets reception and I get a message that my cousin passed away quite suddenly and unexpectedly due to complications from surgery. The next week is the funeral, then the week after that I left for Hawaii for two weeks. I had been wanting to go to Hawaii for months and then my dad and step mom decided they wanted to go too, so we decided to go together and just split the condo rental for the two weeks. Let me tell you, the idea of sleeping on a futon in a one bedroom condo with my dad and step mom for two weeks wasn't exactly appealing. On the other hand, the family lives on the North Shore part of Oahu and their house is exactly one block from the beach. the condo we were stayed is two streets away from their house so everything was in walking distance which is awesome when you don't rent a car. It was my first time visiting Oahu proper and I did a bunch of the touristy stuff and it was awesome. Pearl Harbor is an absolute must for everyone. It was breathtaking and made my tear up on more than one occasion. Seeing as how they offer visitors a 20 minute movie along with a boat ride to and from the USS Arizona - for FREE, there is no reason not to go. If you are into flea markets, this is the island to go to. Wednesdays and the weekends, Aloha Stadium becomes this gigundus swap meet and you literally walk the entire outer perimeter of the stadium and there still isn't enough room for all the vendors. The Dole pineapple plant was cool to see, Waikiki is beautiful, but very touristy and crowded. Good to get home cause I missed Chico and was tired of a bathroom so small that I could literally sit on the pot and put my feet on the wall across from it. I'm 5'2 - you do the math. I won't even regale you with the bathroom story from my step mom...anyway, so now I'm home and looking for work. It's now almost October and I have been unemployed since the end of June. I went down and met with the gal at the law firm before I left and she still seemed wishy washy about how many days she wanted to hire me for etc., so I said that I would call here when I got back and give her some time to think about it. Do you know I called, left messages and sent emails and after meeting with that chick a total of three times, she never even had the decency to call me back one way or the other? So I'm feeling a little upset and depressed at this time and ended up spending a few weeks doing some stuff I shouldn't be doing anymore. Wasted A LOT of time, money and stress those couple of weeks, not to mention what I probably did to my health. Oh well, spilt milk and all. So my old boss still called me in from time to time to do some stuff around the office and one Friday while I was there, the CFO called me in his office and said that the law firm next door was looking for some help with a project and if I had a resume handy I should go drop it off right away. Totally stoked, I printed it out, took it over there and waited for a call. No call that day or Monday so now I'm getting depressed all over again. Tuesday morning rolls around and I'm doing my usual slacker thing and the phone rings - its the law firm. Can I come in today around 1:00 to get ready for a meeting at 3:00? Of course I can; see you then. Long story short, looks like my luck has finally changed in the employment department :) I freaking love the new job, plus I'm right next door to the placer where I used to work before and still only 15-20 minutes away from work. The latest, greatest excitement is that I got a new car. Well to clarify, new to me. Funny thing - this car belonged to an old lady who lived in Auburn. Dante's mom helps her out quite a bit, so once she quit driving, she gave the car to Dante's mom. A bout 2 months ago I offered to buy it from her for a grand and she said no and gave it to her daughter (who still continued to drive her mother's car) The Dante's sister said she wanted to trade the car her mom gave her for Dante's which they did. Now Dante needs money so he can finally move out on his own so he needs to sell the car the originally belonged to the old lady. Guess who picked it up for $700 and a 85 T-bird with over 170,000 miles on it? That's right. Good stuff right? I mean it looks like everything is going my way - that is until we touch on my kryptonite topic...

Men. For a nice, surprising change, things are actually going well between Dante and me. While it's nice to be getting along so well, we still do not have a healthy relationship. I am starting to realize that I must always have some sort of chaos somewhere in my life. Excellent example: this past weekend, I spent the entire weekend steam cleaning my carpets and doing laundry (now that I finally fixed my dryer. What a dumb ass I am at times) and while I scrubbed and cleaned every inch of the house my kitchen is a mess. Yes, even as I'm writing this. Now, why in the hell would I bust my ass to clean my house and still keep it up mind you, yet leave the kitchen in such a disarray? Am I so used to chaos of any sort that I have to have it somewhere? Dante is his own special kind of chaos and I know that I will always get wrapped up in it, yet I do it anyway. At east I can say I'm recognizing it, now its just doing something about it. Ok, moving on, so the weekend before Halloween the firefighter calls me and wants me to go to Reno with him and then head to Susanville to meet his family. I wanted to go so badly, but I couldn't take time off work and more importantly, I was feeling too self conscious. So much so in fact that I blew off my two friends that offered to drive me to Reno for the night to see him because of it. What a waste. I totally should have gone. Anyway, he was disappointed, but he understood. Remember kids, I've known this guy since February and at that point we were still in the hand holding/kissing stage and there wasn't even a lot of that happening. I had gone up to his new place on his birthday and we were drinking and talking (the talking is really sorta strained at times) so it's getting to be close to 10:30 and I was just wondering if I was going to have to stop drinking and sober up for the drive home or if he would even offer for me to stay and he yawns. I asked if I was keeping him up too late and he said "No, not at all besides your the one with the long drive home, not me." Ok ladies, if you were me, what would you think? Kay, looks like it's about time to go. Have I been miss-reading signals or messages all this time? I get ready to leave and get yet another peck on the lips and hug. WTF? Really? It's your birthday guy, I drove an hour to see you, it's 11:00 at night and we've been drinking. You called me at 6:00 to say you were home and asked me to come up so you knew I was going to be there late! Anyway, so I drive home wondering what the fuck happened and think that I know in my heart, this will never ever work and I need to end it. Maybe I'll just see it through the end of the season. I mean it has been almost a year that I've put into this guy (plus he is SO hot - healthy huh?) The next day he calls me and we talk for a bit and he says "So my friend Alex asked if anything happened and I said that I didn't have a couch so I couldn't put any moves on her." Wait a tick - what the hell are you talking about? You didn't try to freaking get to second cause you didn't have a couch? What the hell kind of guy says that? Is it my mistake or do you have a king size freaking bed in the next room? Ok, so we continue to talk about every other day and apparently see each other once a month. He calls again the night before Halloween while I'm helping my buddy paint and we are having a good flow and connection. FUCK! I'm almost out of minutes and I'm covered in paint; let me call you back. So I do when I get home and we chat for a bit more then he starts texting me telling me that he wants to see me etc. This boy gets me excited and it makes me nuts - this was not helping. So the next day is Halloween. Pouring down rain, I leave work around 5:30 and stop by the store before heading home to sit on the couch and do a lot of nothing. hell of a party animal huh? So I'm at the store and my phone rings - it's the firefighter. "I sure wish you would come up tonight and let me make you dinner. I will even make you breakfast in the morning." Ok, now I'm really listening (and thinking) It's freaking pouring outside, it's already dark and you live an hour away in the mountains. Then the other side kicks in Really girl? You have another opportunity to go see this guy and really get a chance to hang out with him and stay the night. You blew the last opportunity, don't blow this one. So I call Dante, tell him I need him to watch Chico and I go for it. I finally get up there a little after 9:00 and there he is standing outside in the pouring rain BBQing. He bought me Corona and make me steak and chicken and made some terrible rice :) the problem - we drank and toked and couldn't carry on a steady conversation. I can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime except this guy. What makes me clam up? sadly, I think he feels the same way with me. Don't get me wrong, we are still having fun, watched movies all night, ate cookies, I gave him a massage (a clean one) and we watched TV till he fell asleep around 3:00. I gently wake him and suggest we go to bed. I could have laid down and fallen asleep, but you know, hand holding, stroking touching and that leads to doing what I do best. No complaints again and I put him out. By this time, I'm tired too and lay down and we both sleep. Sometime later on I wake up to feeling someone rubbing my back and shoulders...it was nice. Cold have lasted longer, but it was the middle of the night drunk sex, what do you expect? Good size, good body. So the next morning I sleep till 9:00 and he's sill asleep. I'm up and rambling around as quietly as possible and finally go back to lay down around 10:00 and he wakes up so we talk for a few minutes and he wants to get up and make me breakfast. So things kinda feel a little awkward, but I just keep on keeping on and so does he. He doesn't have cable or anything, just a DVD player so he puts in another movie and makes breakfast. Now I have my toothbrush, deodorant and such so I'm good there, but now it's almost noon and I'm sorta wanting to go. For one thing it's an hour drive home and for another it has not stopped raining at all since I have been there and I know traffic is going to suck. So I finish breakfast and say that I'm sorry for staying so late and I should probably get going to let him do his thing and he says that he had no plans at all and then asks me if I ever saw the movie Boondock Saints and puts it in. I stayed to watch it and it was great, but again the girly me is like 'we are struggling to make conversation, we had brief sex and there has been no movement towards a repeat performance, and really you don't seem that interested in me. Why do you want me to stay? Feeling guilty? Am I just a nut? So finally around 3:30 I announce I'm going to take off and he says that he wants to show me his dirt bike and motorcycle real quick before I leave, ends up showing me parts of his neighbors garden and other random stuff and then he hugs me, we share another rather chaste kiss and home I go. I call him when I get (he asked me to) and thank him again, he says he is glad I came and he'll have to head my way soon. So I call him three days later still feeling a little nervous and awkward and he is the middle of watching a movie. I tell him to call me later, he's says don't worry about it, I still feel bad and push to get off the phone. Four more days pass by with no call and all I can think is "Stupid, stupid, stupid! You knew this was going to happen as soon as you slept with him. There went almost a year of time and emotion down the drain. last week he called and text you almost every day, wanted you to meet his friends and family and now, not even a call. Jeez this road looks familiar. You know why? Cause I've been down it more than once. It's beginning to look like all my roads lead to this shitty, backwoods fire road that is so bad that you will never be able to get your car all the way down it so you better turn around or try another side road. So I knew he was going out of town last weekend and I called one more time on Thursday night (hello pathetic desperation my old friend. I almost had some self respect, good thing you came back when you did) and we chat for a bit (did I mention that Dante was over and we were in a bit of a tiff? The real reason I called the firefighter was because I was pissy and wanted to fight with someone and I was hoping for it to be him so I could have a "valid" reason to end this thing. So we chat and he says that day was the official end of the fire season and now he was packing crazy for this big huntsman's dinner he goes to every year and apologizes of has seemed a little preoccupied and out of touch lately. Holy shit all - how badly do I want to believe that? I say no worries and tell him to call when he gets home. Sadly everyone this is where today's story ends. He called yesterday evening and I told him I'd call him back later on after my friend who was fixing my computer left (to me it's rude and 'm not going to discuss anything in front of my friend from work. Sure I'll post it on a blog, but how many of you really know me? Anyway, I called him back around 9:00, left a message and now I wait. So what people pathetic? Sad? DO I run like hell? Should he run like hell? I'll keep you posted as I know more because when something happens to me I'm usually the first to know about it.

The Great Outdoors

This weekend was awesome. From Friday till Sunday I camped up in Colfax and had a great time. You guessed it - I went camping with Dante's family and yes, her was there too. This was the first camping trip that we have ever been on together that we have not "been together" and really, it was probably one of our best. We did get a little testy with each other from time to time, but we never out and out fought, which actually was a first for us. His buddy Randy went too and that's ok cause Randy has finally grown on me. I met him the same day I met Dante and really didn't care for him for years. Dante said one day it would happen and I guess it finally did. Anyway, we swam and BBQ-ed and it was hot as hell when we first got there let me tell you. Only four of us (myself included) got up there first so we were the ones to set up other peoples tents, get camp set up and such. A LOT of work. It was so worth it though. Dante's son and nephew were there to (they are now 13 & 14. I met them when they were 5 & 6. Boy, do I feel old) Anyway, I got to spend some really good quality time with them and I feel like we get closer every time we hang out. I think that my not feeling intimidated has helped that a lot. I really with I could have been this relaxed and had just decided to love them and not spend so much time worried about confrontation and things that never happened. I really did waste years working myself up because I let my imagination run wild which in turn affected my attitude and thus I really was an uptight bitch most of the time. But I digress. Chico went camping with me and aside from some occasional whining (which did drive me crazy) but he was really a good dog. I'd take him again and that's saying something =) My firefighter was working so I hope he will be free next month when we are in Forest Hill. Since I'm really not sure where we stand, I am going to act "as if" and see what happens. He finally got his own place, but he hasn't even been in his new place for a full day yet and he has had it over a week. Anyway, I'm just going to see him when I can and see how things progress when off season arrives. Have my second interview at a law firm tomorrow so good luck to me =) I really like baking and think I would like to open up a cake shop. I need some school, but think I would do a great job. Let's see what I do. Peace in the Middle East.

Revenge - The Big Pay Back

Ah, James Brown. How that song seems to hold such significance recently. So I am a bit amazed and surprised at my self for my latest what? Acceptance, defeat, realization? I want redemption. Badly. Now, I tell myself this every so often and think I will be serious this time, but I always find a way to ruin my progress. Isn't it sad how we subconsciously ruin things because we are afraid of being happy and letting things go? And yet as I write this, I realize that I because I am consciously writing this, doesn't that mean that I can no longer blame my subconscious? That would be logical wouldn't it? Where is my strength? I know it is in there somewhere. I want so much more and yet I hold myself back. While I have done many things of Independence over the last two years, I have in turn ceased to look for things and make things happen for me. I just sit in my rented condo day after day and night after night reluctant to leave to ever go have coffee with my best friend sometimes. And I hate it because I feel trapped and wonder why after two years I am still in the same fucking predicament that I was to begin with. But what am I doing to change anything? Yeah, that's what I thought. I feel stuck in a rut trying to re-live what is over. And what am I aspiring for with that? To be second, third, maybe fourth favorite? I am tired of being old reliable and having things change for everyone else except me. I am also really realizing that until I am happy with myself, I will never be happy with anyone else. I won't be able to truly be myself and that's a shame. I have a very handsome, sweet wonderful guy that wants to spend time with me and I am avoiding him because I am not comfortable with me. How sad is this? How many more opportunities will I let pass me by? Am I really going to let this one go too? I just really want it to me my turn you know? I remember how people looked at me how different those who knew me treated me. I want to be the one to enjoy it, relish in it and for a precious few, flaunt it. Maybe it's because I'm getting older or whatever but I do not want to be like this for the rest of my life! Fuck this. Someway, somehow I am going to make this happen. It's a little disheartening to think that if I dedicated ever just a years worth of trying, this could be solved. So, what to do? I know what to do now I just need to do it.

Back on the wagon

Well, I have decided that I want more than what the firefighter can give me. How stinking sad is this? He is like my ideal guy, has so many qualities that I want (loves beer and is SO funny)but I know in my heart, it is not going to work. My biggest problem is his job. I rarely see him as it is and I know hope often he is gone over firefighting season, but even if this might have a chance of working out, I do not want a relationship for 6 months out of the year. I want more than he can give and it is so not his fault. He loves what he does and bless him, because I would not to do what he does. I just know I would be bitter about it in the long run and he's too wonderful of a guy to have a falling out with him over his life's work. So I have started back up with eharmony. After all, this is where I met the firefighter right? Perhaps I can get lucky again. Am I just being stupid? I feel stupid and I'm not sure why. Am I the exception to the rule? Where is my guy? If I'm meant to be alone, please let me know so I can save myself another 50 bucks.

I don't need no stinking title

So over the weekend, I went camping in Napa with Dante's mom and her friend. We had the best time. I love to camp and this was one of the first camping trips I have ever been on where no one fought, argued or was irritated with anyone. Everyone pulled their own weight and when plan changed, no one freaked out. It was a great few days. So recently I have been getting along well with Dante. I had him watch the dog while I was gone - he did a half ass job like I expected him to but whatever. So I am still jobless and still seem to be the one to loan Dante money for gas, food, whatever and things will never change. He was right. He will always need someone to take care of him and I want that for myself too. The difference is that I will give what I get an in most cases more than I get. Yesterday he changed my oil and I had made dinner and it is so comfortable when we are together because we did it for so long. I can still see a lot of the little things that I think would still get on my nerves. So like usual, he tries to grab at my boob or smack my ass (man I sound fucked up writing this) but really, again, I think it was because that was the habits we had for so long. He asked me to touch him, sleep with him etc and I said no. Just earlier I had been telling him about my issues with the firefighter and another guy I went to dinner with (another day that one) and we talked (again) about his "girlfriend", the one whose married. Oh yeah, hell of a girlfriend. In some ways though what can I say? Am I any better than him? Well this afternoon he stopped by on the way to a friends house and what do I see but a hickey on his neck. The only thing I can say is that I am so happy I didn't sleep with him. Funny cause today I thought about calling him and asking him to stay the night tonight. I will not and cannot deny how lonely I am sometimes and how it is comforting to be with someone so familiar, but more and more I am realizing that I cannot rush what I want and just hope that one day it will find me (one day soon!)

Still don't have a job and still trying to figure out how to get to Hawaii, but fuck it, I'm going to figure it out somehow. Oh and I am a total bitch for going out with a guy twice now and then deciding not to call him back. We went to dinner at Chilli's and then to lunch and a movie. I could tell that he was getting interested in me and decided in the movie that I would not kiss him and that after that day, he would never hear from me again. I told him that I would call him when I got back from camping which was Sunday, but I haven't called and don't think I am going to. What do I say to this guy? "Sorry, you seem really nice, but you're really not that attractive and I'm just not feeling it. Good luck." So I am choosing the pussy road out and not going to call him back. Ever. So the firefighter - He called last week and said he was in town for two nights (about 30 minutes away from where I live) and did we get together? Nope. Then I can't help but think "Really? This is another guy you are worrying about, whom you never see hardly at all, who is staying with his cousin about a half hour away and he calls you on his way back home to go fight more fires? Are you really going to waste more of your time on someone who isn't going to be devoted to you?" So I make up my mind I will not call him for awhile, then he calls me Friday after we get finished setting up camp. He said that he got the next two days off and wanted to see what I was up to. I told him camping and we talked for a bit. When I talk to the guy, I just freaking melt all over the place. Then the next day, we had just finished lunch and he called again. Very unlike him, but we chatted again for awhile and I told him I would call when I got home. I called him Sunday night and we talked for about a half hour or so. I invited him to thanksgiving, but who knows if he will show. Oh, that and I have gained about 20 lbs (no kidding) and I am ashamed of myself and wonder when I will decide to pull my head out.

It's good to be free

Today I am going to drift from my usual gripes about my love life, ex's, job and such. Yesterday was the 4th of July. Already!?! Where the hell did this year go? Where the hell have I been? Anyway, yesterday I went to my dads house and hung out with him and my step mom and we had a BBQ, swam in the pool and played darts (actually the pool and the darts went had in hand and I won again, but only by the sheerest of luck. It was a hell of a game tho) Anyway, after hanging around the house and doing our thing we headed down the street to the local mall that put on a fireworks display. It was actually quite beautiful. Watching the show, I couldn't help but wonder how many people around me took the time to really remember what this day is all about. Do they just think of it as another day off? An extended weekend? How many people really stop and appreciate the day for what it is for? Now, I will admit that I didn't sit there all day and give thanks to those that made it, and still make it, possible for me to sit in a parking lot with 200 - 300 other people and enjoy a fireworks show without having to worry about being bombed or killed by a suicide bomber or anything like that, but seeing the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air and knowing than in the morning our flag will still be there never fails to choke me up. There are so many things that we as Americans take for granted and trust me, I am one of them. I guess you really don't know what you've got till its gone and most of us have been fortunate enough not to have ever had to live without them. I feel a deep appreciation to the people that have given, risked and changes their lives so that I could live mine the way I do. Not just the people in my lifetime, but to those hundreds of years ago who fought for their beliefs because that still enables me to have mine. I look back on the other stuff that I have blogged about and it seems so trivial and yet I know that soon, those things will consume my life again. The point of this is that I am and always will be proud to me an American. Sure America has its problems and there are those who protest the USA and even some of those who wish to destroy it. Do you know why they are able to? Because of America. To me America is like a Far Side cartoon that I love. Satan is in hell standing next to a guy facing two doors. Satan looks at the guy and says "C'mon, cmon. It's either one or the other". One door is labeled dammed if you do and the other is labeled dammed if you don't. This country will never be able to please everyone; it has been that way from the start, but it's a damn fine place to be and hell of a lot better than a lot of other places in this world. God bless America. it's good to be free.

Now I get it and other random thoughts

I remember when my friend Pam was let go and I couldn't help but thinking that it must be nice to have a bit of a break. I mean hell, who wouldn't love to sleep in and stay home all day after staying up all night reading or watching TV? Getting up when you want, taking the dog to the dog park, not having to worry about rush hour traffic, high heels and all the other day to day stuff that gets so monotonously irritating? Me. About three weeks after Pam was let go she emailed me and the being at home thing was really getting to her. She said, and I quote "I would give my left eye to be be back at work and have something to do..." Well, I think I would probably toss a toe in there too if I could go back there. The saddest part about all of this? Today is Wednesday and my first official day of being laid off was Monday. That's right, two days ago. How stinking sad is this? How in the hell am I going to get through the next couple of months until I get another job? I started working at 15 and truly the last time I was without a job was over 8 years ago and it was by choice. Not to mention that only lasted a month and I was living with my best friend so that made things all the more easier. So much has changed since then. Granted I don't really have to worry about house or car payments, but I'm still a little nervous about relying on the state for my rent check you know? No sugar coating it here - I do not have a lot of friends. Ok, so I could probably count them all on both hands. Most of my friends are older ladies and people that I had worked with. The other pisser about not working? Work was where I interacted with people. If not for work, some days I wouldn't talk to anyone. Boy, and I thought I felt alone last week!?! I am trying to focus on my upcoming trip to Hawaii (yes, what a tortured life I must lead) and you know what I am thinking about? What the hell am I going to do over there for two weeks all by myself? And do you know that a part of me is actually throwing up reasons why I shouldn't go? What the hell is wrong with me? I am going to be able to take a two week trip for $500 out the door. Plane ticket and place to stay included, just need to buy food and get around and I am trying to talk myself out of this? I have no job, no real responsibilities at this point (The dog and cats will be well taken care of) and the 'boyfriend', hell that might be the most confusing thing in my life at the moment.

Ok, so because I am a stupid fuck I had dinner with Dante night before last. Let's back up a tad - I was supposed to go with his family on a hiking/kayaking trip on Saturday and we fought again on Friday night and I really didn't want to ruin my day and the families day, so I decided to stay home. It actually turned out to be a great day. Took the dog to the dog park and spent three hours talking to some nice ladies. Man, I have really got to check my attitude. I was a total bitch to one of the ladies because I just wanted to be left alone and I was on the defensive. What a crock. I have got to ease up and not be so rude right from the start. I really do try to be a nice person, but sometimes, I get a 'bitch build up' and out she comes. Anyway, so Sunday I made a cake for Dante's daughter (because his mom asked me to) and took it over to his Uncles house where they were having a party for her. I did give Dante a heads up that I would be there so there would be no surprises. - The total pisser was the guy called me Saturday morning around 9:00am after everyone else had already left and asked me why I wasn't going? I could have killed him. Fumed about it all day and that, no doubt, helped my bitchiness towards that lady - ok, back on track. So I told everyone that I had dinner plans so I was just going to drop off the cake and that would be it. I really was planning on going out to dinner with the firefighter so it wasn't a total lie. I knew it was going to happen and it did, but he bowed out on me for dinner and asked if we could have lunch the next day instead. Sure thing. Of course that would be ok. Anyway, so I get over to Dante's families house and am able to hang out with everyone for about an hour until Dante gets there; it is Dante's daughters birthday and he was bringing her so I really wanted to stay to at least wish her a happy birthday. While I was there I met a friend of his uncles named Bill and when I introduced myself he said "Oh, you're Mia. The woman Dante should have married." I must have looked surprised and said "Well it's nice to know he says that to someone cause he never says it to me." We talked for a little bit and Bill said that he had had a few heart to hearts with Dante and he talks about me a lot and how much he messed up with me. Bill doesn't even know the half of it. I left about 10 minutes after I got there and even though I didn't plan it this way, I ended up giving and getting a hug goodbye from everyone except him. He seemed very nonchalant about everything and we made nice for the family and I still kept up the pretense of going to dinner somewhere else because I didn't want to risk fighting or getting irritated. It was all very pleasant and when I went outside Dante's uncle and friend Bill were out front and I hugged his uncle (his uncle was leaving town the next day for awhile, another reason I wanted to go over there) and shook Bill's had, said it was nice to meet him and he just looked at me and said "Dante should have married you." I laughed and thanked him then walked to my car. Angela came out (Dante's daughter) and said goodbye again so I hugged her and wished her a happy birthday. When I got in the car and started to pull out I looked up and saw Dante had come out and was standing on the porch with Bill. Bill was saying something to him and Dante was just looking at me. I gave him a little wave and a half smile and got nothing back - he just looked at me. I wasn't sure if he saw me or not, so I waived again and again nothing. By that time I was to the point of pulling out of the parking lot and just drove away. Went to the store, got myself a piece of salmon and some asparagus and went home and had dinner alone. Got a call from the firefighter the next morning and though for sure that he was going to cancel on me, but much to my happy surprise, he did not. I drove to Auburn to go have sushi with him and it was really great. The whole time which was way to short for me, but I am trying to step back and realize that it is not all about me. The guy just got done working for two weeks strait and the only reason he cancelled dinner the night before was because he was exhausted and slept for 14 hours. I think I should feel pretty good that he wants to spend time with me on his only days off. But a part of me wants more. I am still very self conscious about my weight and tried really hard to look good and didn't get a compliment. Yikes. We stopped by a little record store on our way to sushi and I can't really say if it was feeling comfortable or a little awkward, but be sorta separated out and looked for our own music and sorta had to ease into conversation. He purchased a CD and we walked to the sushi place. Ok, it was awesome sushi, great company. The food and presentation was delicious and we kept up good conversation throughout lunch. We each had a large beer and shared each others lunch. All in all it was a very nice time. He was going fishing with his buddy after lunch and I was slightly disappointed (I did drive 40 minutes to see you and all we did was have lunch. This is the first time in over a month that I saw you, and how long will it be before I see you again?) I have to keep reminding myself that this is the only down time this poor guys has and the next day, its another 2 weeks without a day off. Not to mention that over lunch on one of the days he could call me, he had to call his buddies wife to tell her that her husband would not be able to call her and not be able to make it home fore his sons 5th birthday. The wife said she understood. Could I ever be that understanding? I really don't know. I have always made the significant other in my life my whole world and that is my downfall. I experienced so much loss when I was younger and I just latch on to everything and I clearly understand that my firefighter is not that kind of guy. He is very independent and needs his buddies. I think I may need more than that in the long run. But what a guy, so nice and sweet. He wouldn't let me see the bill and tried to pay for lunch, but I made him take 40 bucks. He usually ends up paying for more than his share and has spent a lot on gas to come and see me so I told him to go buy some beer for him and his buddy for their fishing trip that afternoon. After arguing back and fourth he finally took the money. Good boy. I don't feel right not paying for myself. Anyway, he walked me back to my car and we talked about music and he sings parts of songs from the music he likes. I love how he is so ok with just breaking out into song in the middle of the street. So we get to my car and we hug goodbye and kiss - briefly. I'm not sure what I am looking for in that department. It is 2 in the afternoon and we are standing in the middle of town (literally) so do I expect him to grab me, throw me down right there and take me? Oh, wait, that's what I WANT to happen. Big sigh. I can never tell if when he's looking at me if he is happy with what he sees or if he regrets asking me out again. I have put on some weight and always deal with the self conscious thing. Big shock. So we say goodbye and I go home and nap and get a call from Dante. He said he was surprised that I answered the phone. "I thought you hated me." I think I do sometimes, but I was feeling pretty good from a good day and just said that I was tired of fighting with him so I wanted to let everything go. He said "I noticed that you made it a point to hug everyone goodbye except me when you left the other day" Later, that statement made me wonder if it was my subconscious doing that. And then there is the part of me that wanted to hug him and have him hug me back like he used to. Those days are long gone man. Anyway, so I agree to meet him for dinner (I'm sure I will bitch about how stupid I was in the next few days). So he tells me that he and his girlfriend broke up for real (again) and I just sorta held up my hand and said I didn't really care. I did however tell him my concerns about my firefighter and of course he said that I should break it off with him (sad Dante is still one of my best friends huh?) Dante pissed me off by catching on to everything that I have been trying to deny. I do want someone who will be there all the time. That I will be first for him and he first for me. In my heart of hearts I don't think we will have a future together. Not even when he is not busy with fire season. When we first talked, he said that he thinks he is ready to settle down, but I think he and I have two different ideas of what settling down is all about. Especially since I have been down that road and almost bought the farm at the end. Another wrench in the game - the firefighter still has no idea about any of that. Reason being that we have just never made it to that point in conversation yet. I don't feel that that is something that you just toss out there in conversation you know? It takes time to bring that stuff up you know. Anyway, Dante and I actually had a very nice evening. We got a ice cream, went to the park, watched people fish and then almost got busted by the cops :) Somethings never change. (Um, we had a bowl full of pot, we were not having sex) Anyway, I went home and all in all had a good night. I got a phone call from my firefighter the next morning as he was heading out and I'm just not sure if he is just lonely too and that's why he calls and wants to see me. I know that he has got to be picked up on by girls everywhere he goes. He's a real good looking guy, beautiful smile, nice teeth, gorgeous eyes and great voice. What the hell would he want with a fat chick like me. desperation is what I think. So here I am. Another lonely, jobless day wondering where my life is headed. I'm almost 30 and instead of having an idea of where my life is going I have no idea what direction I am headed.

When will I ever learn?

I must say that I am indeed tired of always asking questions like these and wonder if I will ever find the strength to break free. To pick up from my last entry, I did hear back from the firefighter and then he was gone again. Off to another fire. Is it terrible of me to think about just walking away because I am too lonely? I mean this guy is out there risking his life for others and I am lonely so I want to walk away. OK, check that - I don't want to walk away, but I am so stinking lonely that it makes me physically hurt sometimes. I think a lot of that has to do with Dante. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why do I care? Why do I let him make me feel this way? As much as he hurt me I still can't let go. Two years later and I can't let go. The funny thing is, that I know that we could never be happy together again, so what makes me care. Even being his "friend" takes it's toll on me. I get the feeling that he really doesn't like me much. He calls when he is fighting with his current girlfriend or he loses his job or whenever he has a problem, but when everything is going good for him, I am a piece of shit. I know that he is back on crank and smoking pot and he just changes so much when he is spun out. WHY DO I CARE? WHY DO I GOT BACK TIME AFTER TIME? We fight constantly and it hurts so much. TO top everything off, I lost my job and today was my last day. He has lost his job like five times in the last two years (had the same job for the entire 7 years we were together) and I have always been there for him. Why? I am not a bad person. I am not an ugly person. Why can't I have the dream that so many other people seem to have? I so badly want to be married with kids and just have the family life and it seems to elude me at every turn. I haven't even had a real boyfriend in over two. The firefighter is awesome - when I see him. For example - I talked to him Monday night and have not been able to get a hold of him since. Poor guy. He was so tired when I last heard from him. He was supposed to have a job interview yesterday and I called to wish him luck and both phones were off. Is he OK? I sure wish that I would worry about myself as much as I worry about others. OK, enough of this pity party....

So next month (July) I am off to Hawaii. Now this might seem a little reckless seeing as how I lost my job and all, but do you know why I am able to go? Because of my friends and family that's why. My brother in law works for an airline and was cool enough to be able to get me a round trip ticket - for free. A lady that I used to work with has a niece that lives over there and is coming for a visit in July, so she is letting me stay at her place for two weeks for $500. Please tell me when I am going to be able to do this again? That's right. Never. I am so going to miss the people that I worked with. They have been there for me when my life fell apart and given me strength, support and laughter and man, I will miss them. It feels really good to be able to get all of this off my chest. I think I need to go back to school. I need to keep my mind busy. You know the old saying - love yourself and love will come to you. Well, I think I need to start really learning to love myself and see what happens. I need to not let other peoples actions have such a big influence on my life and determine what I am going to do and how I feel. Where is the strength I know I have? WHERE? There is another, happier, healthier, skinnier me that is dying to get out. A me that is waiting to live a happy life. Can I let her out? Can I find her? I sure hope so. Going away by myself will be a first time experience for me. I went to Mexico in April with my best friends mom and had a blast, but have never traveled alone. Granted my step sister and her husband will be less than an hour away, but to be alone for a while, to travel alone is a big step for me and one I think I need to take.

Will I ever learn to be happy with what I'm given?

I guess the best that I can say about myself at this point is that yes, I'm still a mess. Not a mess like strung out druggie mess, but just a stinking emotional mess. So I finally heard from my guy this morning :) Really good way to start the day, but then me being me, finds a way to be sort of upset about it because it might disrupt what I have planned in my head. Other people have got to do this, I just can't be the only one. I plan how a meeting, event, date - something like that, is supposed to go in my head and I really get wrapped up into it; so much so that I get extremely upset if things don't go how I thought they should have. I'm working on this. Anyway, so my guy calls and much to my relief says he was just out of range. Then he tells me he has a job interview for his absolute dream job which is in another state. I am truly happy for him and as I start to ask him about it, I hear the call come in for them to head to another fire about four hours away. I know, I know, you gotta go. Be safe and call when you can. 'you too take care.' Good-bye again. So, do I sound like a righteous bitch at the moment? I sorta feel like one. To be honest, I me the guy in March and I'm lucky if I have seen him twice a month since them. Do the math with me here: I would say I have seen the guy in person maybe 5-6 times - ever. The part of me that so very badly wants a relationship is like "Fuck. I cannot believe that this is STILL happening to me. Every single freaking, fucking time that I start to let my guard down I get royally fucked and I am not even enjoying it. I'm starting to get to know this guy and before I even have a half a chance to start something with someone who so far has shown a mutual interest in me and he will be gone within a few months, if it even takes that long. You know why I know that? Because I know him. He is very strong minded, goal oriented, always challenging himself to do better. This is what he wants and this is what he will get. I am so proud of him. I am so selfishly sad for me. I can also feel myself in the early sabotage stage of the relationship too. He is in really good physical condition and i am SO not. That's pretty much the big one at the moment. I'm afraid that the closer I get to him (if I ever get the chance) the more I will try to sabotage it. It's what I do best. Ok, problem # 2. If we do get closer, can I really deal with not being able to hear from him for over a week and not know if he's ok? Oh man, he doesn't know the past and can he deal with the future. Overanalyze will eventually drive you crazy no matter if it is in life, work, friendship or love. I wish I could take the advice that I spew sometime and learn to just see what happens today instead of always planning for the future. It's good to look ahead sometimes, just not all the time.

Today I did a good job of shoving anger and irritation aside and ended up having a great day. I met Dante's (the ex) mom, son, niece and nephew as well as another friend for what I thought was a hike, but turned out to be a day of lounging at the lake in Sugar Pine. Awesome. Hanging out all day with a group of people that are really happy to see me and want to be around me because I am me. Sometimes I forget that. I think I forget because the memories of them hurt too much at times. I am closer to all of them now than I have ever been, with the exception of one. One which I have never been farther apart from. The one that I love and hate and know that gone forever is everything we had and yet, in my heart, I still can't let it go. Too much story and too much hurt to go down that road right now...ok, anyway, talked to Dante and he just irritated me with his ever increasing indifference to me while I was sitting in front of Shaggy's house waiting for everyone. Mind you, I sat out in front of that place for over an hour waiting for them. After talking to Dante, I just got so upset that I was ready to call them and say that I was going to bail. Instead I sat there and tried to cool down and just tried to remember that there is nothing I can say that will make a difference when he is like he is right now. Not quite the dragon, but at the very least of of those big fucking iguanas. Anyway, I chose to let the fact that I sat there for an hour. To be honest, it was a nice morning, I was parked in the shade, it was very serene and peaceful. Was is so bad? What would I have done at home? Maybe it even happened for a reason. Anyway, I had the best time with the kids. Sometimes they bring up things that sting. They don't mean to, they are just kids. Everyone talks about everything around them anyway and man, they have seemed to grow up so quickly. I realized that there was a uncomfortable memory brought up for all the adults today at different times and it sorta made me realize that hell, we all go through embarrassing stuff and who cares? Shitty shit happens to everyone and its good to know your not the only one. Anyway, all in all good day. Can I just ever be happy with a plain ol good day? Maybe not because I am too busy looking ahead.

Here we go again

I am getting to the point where I just think it would be better to be by myself. Not that It's really a far stretch from where I am now, but I mean swearing off everyone - friends, family, everyone. So my latest worry is about my new guy - can I call him that? If I'm lucky I see him twice a month. He's a firefighter and I totally understand how busy he is especially around this time of the year, but now worry is starting to set in. We have talked at least every other day since March and he is really a great guy. If he's such a great guy, why won't he call back? Are you sure you are just not getting dumped? I wish I knew. Last time we talked was the day before father's day and I was on my way home from my dads and he called and said that he was in town at his cousins house and he would like to meet up for drinks. I said sure, that I just had to stop by the house and change into some dry clothes. About 10 minutes later he called and said "Guess what?" I said "You got called to a fire" you see, that had happened like the last five times we were going to meet up. He said that they had to be rolling out by 6:00am so he was going go back home which actually worked for me cause I was kinda tired from swimming and BBQ-ing at my dad's house. He called me later on that night around 10:00 before he lost reception and called me his overtime good luck charm. I laughed and told him that I understood it was his busy season, but if he started pulling this shit around Christmas I would start to get suspicious. We both laughed and I told him to call me when he could and let me know he was ok and he said he would then said good night. That was six days ago. His work and personal cell phones have both gone right to voice mail since Monday. What if something happened to him? How would I ever find out? Can I take it again if something really did happen? If he is ok and just out of range, could I really be ok with caring about and possibly falling in love with someone that I couldn't get a hold of? In my heart of hearts I think that if he could call me he would. Why does this always happen to me? What is it about me starting to care about someone and before I know it - HA HA! GONE AGAIN! Oh, wipe those tears; try again! Maybe this one will really like you and treat you right. Maybe this one will not leave you for someone else and break your heart. Then again, maybe he will, so keep trying. There are still a few places in your heart that look like they are in good shape and filled with hope. You know how I feel about that. Can have you holding onto to much hope now. I guess it might be called a numb worry, but I'm not sure. I guess I will do what I have always done best. Wait and see.

A few at a time

Today, I am skipping ahead to present day. One week ago today, I was given a two week notice at my job. Now to be fair, I work(ed) for a home builder and quite honestly, I really thought I was getting axed in December, so on the bright side I lasted six months longer than I expected. There is a part of me, of course, that is a little apprehensive about not having a job, but a bigger percentage is almost looking forward to it - and I feel kinda bad for feeling that way. I love my job. I have been there for 3 1/2 years and they are really a big part of my life. Sounds kinda sad saying it and it looks pretty sad reading it too, I will tell you that. None the less, these are the folks that were here for me through my break up and all that went with it. When stuff like that happens you really find out who your friends are. I've been watching the "family" dwindle away little by little as people have been let go due to the housing market. Oh well, I have enjoyed it while it lasted and fell extremely lucky for the opportunities that I have been given.

Fast Forward

Well, here I am almost two years later and exactly six months to the day from my 30th birthday. All in all, I fell pretty good. Still have tough days and get the crazy emotions and all, but as a whole I'm so much better off than I was 2 years ago. 2008 has been a pretty big year for me in a lot of ways. I had gone to visit family in Seattle over Christmas (I'm from California, so it was really cool to have a white Christmas) The year before had been tough because of the breakup and all the incidentals that went along with that, so while I was looking forward to getting away, I was more than a little apprehensive about spending the holidays with 18 of my family members in 1 house with only 2 bathrooms for a week. Oh and did I mention aside from the 4 kids who were 16 and under, I was the only there without a significant other? And they were planning on playing a version of the "New Newlywed Game" which I would get to host because, well, you know. Why is it so easy to love family, but so hard to like them at times. Anyway, the point of this rambling is that all of these things I was so worried about turned out to be not that big of a deal after all. Don't get me wrong, at times it was a more than a little tough, but no where near as bad as I thought it was going to be. I had so much fun meeting my new family members (REALLY long story - I'm sure I will get into that at a later time) and being Auntie Trish to my little niece Bella. God I love that kid. It feels so good to have the "Auntie" title. I had a fantastic snowball fight at a frozen lake with 10 of my family members, drove to downtown Seattle and explored the City by myself which was extremely liberating for me as I'm normally attached to someone when I'm out of town and I get lost going to my own bathroom sometimes (not that bad, but you get the idea) and really tried hard to enjoy myself. Point being, had I stayed home by myself like I had wanted to originally I would have missed out on so much cool stuff. Along comes 2008 :) First thing I decide to do is cut my hair which I had been growing out for the last seven years. Aside from my eyelashes, the thing I like best about me is my hair. It's naturally curly and I love it when it does what I want it to. I thought it was time for a chance and ended up getting a gift certificate for a free hair cut and off I went and so was the hair. Not sure if my picture is up yet, but there I am about a week after I cut my hair and I thought it came out pretty good. I'm currently debating if I'm going to grow my hair out long again tho - I think I miss it. Anyway, I about a week later I decided to join eharmony - so not something I would have ever done before. After all, I had been out with one guy since my break up and it was a disaster. His wife left him for someone else, he didn't want to believe it and even though they had gotten a divorce he was so not over her. I can understand how it hurts, but for Christ teeth guy - don't go out with a woman and bring up your ex in every since conversation no matter what the topic ok? To top all that off, he was annoying as hell. Didn't like my dog (should have known right then) and the best way I can describe him is this : George Castanza from Seinfeld. With hair and perhaps a little taller, otherwise it was him to the T. Oh except this guy stills lived with his parents after getting divorced. Side note: Saw Divorced Guy last weekend at a mutual friends BBQ and he STILL lives with his parents. You're 34 and have been divorced for almost three years now. Wonder why you are still single... Point of all this - flaming disaster and I thought it was about time for me to at least attempt to get out into the dating world.

Ok, every boyfriend I have ever had, including Divorced Guy, have all been introduced to me by friends so I have absolutely no real dating experience. Screw it - I'm not big on picking up people in bars and after the last set up, I was in no real hurry to go through that again so I threw down $60 for one month and went for eharmony. The truth? It's ok. They ask you A LOT of questions up front which someone like me is ok with, but I can see where a few people might get frustrated with it. Oh and for the commercials that show people getting rejected from eharmony? Unless you fully admit that you are an arsonist or serial killer or something, there should be no reason why you are rejected. I ended up getting to the point of 'open communication' with three different guys and it's kind of funny to talk to someone on the computer and over the phone then meet them in real life. Guy #1 was really a nice guy, but not really attractive which was too bad because he had a kick ass voice. Man, the fantasies alone you could have just with that voice...Met with Guy #1 twice and really, no sparks from either end. It turns out that I actually went to high school with guy # 2. I couldn't remember him at all so I tore through all my year books and could only find one picture of this guy - long hair, mid head-bang, playing the guitar. Ok, maybe not so bad. We talked for a few weeks and found that we knew some of the same people so I was actually looking forward to meeting him (again?). We agree to meet at a Starbucks close to my house for coffee before he heads to San Francisco to meet up with some friends. I get there, get my coffee and go outside and found him waiting for me at a table. I sit down and we start talking and honestly, the conversation isn't too bad. The looks? Quite a bit different from the year book picture. Closed to shaved head, Drew Carey glasses and works for a computer repair shop and also sports the company repair van. When we stand up to say good bye, we are the same height - next please. Guy #3 a firefighter. One picture posted and the guy is wearing a hat, sun glasses and heavy jacket. Sure like this is going to work. What the hell. I only have about two weeks of this eharmony thing left and not too many prospects. We chatted for awhile on line then on the phone and finally decided to meet up. Truly, I had no hopes of this going anywhere. He lives about an hour away from me, spends most weekends in Reno and plus that he was probably really hot. I figured we'd have a nice dinner, maybe a drink, he would let me down easy and I would come home to Chico. I guess it was sort of a good thing that Guy's 1 & 2 didn't work out and because I had such low expectations for the evening I was really relaxed; mostly I was focused on pizza and beer.

I get to this pizza place on a Saturday night and they are packed. I'm not quite sure what the guy looks like (remember the not so good picture?) and all I can think is "F*ck. I bet he bailed". Just about that time my phone rings and Guy #3 says he is out front waiting for me, was I close by? I told him I'd be right there, take a deep breath and head outside. Holy Sh*t. This guy is hot. And suddenly, he's hugging me! Are you serious? Dark blond hair, blue eyes, built very nicely, beautiful smile - the whole freaking package. We went to the bar and drank beer till our table open up, had pizza talked and laughed like crazy, then (I couldn't freaking believe this) he took me to see a Led Zeppelin tribute band. When the night was coming to and end, he walked me to my car and um yes, I kissed him. The nicest feeling that I have had in a long time was that feeling of mutual attraction. Looks like good things were finally headed my way...