When will I ever learn?

I must say that I am indeed tired of always asking questions like these and wonder if I will ever find the strength to break free. To pick up from my last entry, I did hear back from the firefighter and then he was gone again. Off to another fire. Is it terrible of me to think about just walking away because I am too lonely? I mean this guy is out there risking his life for others and I am lonely so I want to walk away. OK, check that - I don't want to walk away, but I am so stinking lonely that it makes me physically hurt sometimes. I think a lot of that has to do with Dante. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why do I care? Why do I let him make me feel this way? As much as he hurt me I still can't let go. Two years later and I can't let go. The funny thing is, that I know that we could never be happy together again, so what makes me care. Even being his "friend" takes it's toll on me. I get the feeling that he really doesn't like me much. He calls when he is fighting with his current girlfriend or he loses his job or whenever he has a problem, but when everything is going good for him, I am a piece of shit. I know that he is back on crank and smoking pot and he just changes so much when he is spun out. WHY DO I CARE? WHY DO I GOT BACK TIME AFTER TIME? We fight constantly and it hurts so much. TO top everything off, I lost my job and today was my last day. He has lost his job like five times in the last two years (had the same job for the entire 7 years we were together) and I have always been there for him. Why? I am not a bad person. I am not an ugly person. Why can't I have the dream that so many other people seem to have? I so badly want to be married with kids and just have the family life and it seems to elude me at every turn. I haven't even had a real boyfriend in over two. The firefighter is awesome - when I see him. For example - I talked to him Monday night and have not been able to get a hold of him since. Poor guy. He was so tired when I last heard from him. He was supposed to have a job interview yesterday and I called to wish him luck and both phones were off. Is he OK? I sure wish that I would worry about myself as much as I worry about others. OK, enough of this pity party....

So next month (July) I am off to Hawaii. Now this might seem a little reckless seeing as how I lost my job and all, but do you know why I am able to go? Because of my friends and family that's why. My brother in law works for an airline and was cool enough to be able to get me a round trip ticket - for free. A lady that I used to work with has a niece that lives over there and is coming for a visit in July, so she is letting me stay at her place for two weeks for $500. Please tell me when I am going to be able to do this again? That's right. Never. I am so going to miss the people that I worked with. They have been there for me when my life fell apart and given me strength, support and laughter and man, I will miss them. It feels really good to be able to get all of this off my chest. I think I need to go back to school. I need to keep my mind busy. You know the old saying - love yourself and love will come to you. Well, I think I need to start really learning to love myself and see what happens. I need to not let other peoples actions have such a big influence on my life and determine what I am going to do and how I feel. Where is the strength I know I have? WHERE? There is another, happier, healthier, skinnier me that is dying to get out. A me that is waiting to live a happy life. Can I let her out? Can I find her? I sure hope so. Going away by myself will be a first time experience for me. I went to Mexico in April with my best friends mom and had a blast, but have never traveled alone. Granted my step sister and her husband will be less than an hour away, but to be alone for a while, to travel alone is a big step for me and one I think I need to take.

Will I ever learn to be happy with what I'm given?

I guess the best that I can say about myself at this point is that yes, I'm still a mess. Not a mess like strung out druggie mess, but just a stinking emotional mess. So I finally heard from my guy this morning :) Really good way to start the day, but then me being me, finds a way to be sort of upset about it because it might disrupt what I have planned in my head. Other people have got to do this, I just can't be the only one. I plan how a meeting, event, date - something like that, is supposed to go in my head and I really get wrapped up into it; so much so that I get extremely upset if things don't go how I thought they should have. I'm working on this. Anyway, so my guy calls and much to my relief says he was just out of range. Then he tells me he has a job interview for his absolute dream job which is in another state. I am truly happy for him and as I start to ask him about it, I hear the call come in for them to head to another fire about four hours away. I know, I know, you gotta go. Be safe and call when you can. 'you too take care.' Good-bye again. So, do I sound like a righteous bitch at the moment? I sorta feel like one. To be honest, I me the guy in March and I'm lucky if I have seen him twice a month since them. Do the math with me here: I would say I have seen the guy in person maybe 5-6 times - ever. The part of me that so very badly wants a relationship is like "Fuck. I cannot believe that this is STILL happening to me. Every single freaking, fucking time that I start to let my guard down I get royally fucked and I am not even enjoying it. I'm starting to get to know this guy and before I even have a half a chance to start something with someone who so far has shown a mutual interest in me and he will be gone within a few months, if it even takes that long. You know why I know that? Because I know him. He is very strong minded, goal oriented, always challenging himself to do better. This is what he wants and this is what he will get. I am so proud of him. I am so selfishly sad for me. I can also feel myself in the early sabotage stage of the relationship too. He is in really good physical condition and i am SO not. That's pretty much the big one at the moment. I'm afraid that the closer I get to him (if I ever get the chance) the more I will try to sabotage it. It's what I do best. Ok, problem # 2. If we do get closer, can I really deal with not being able to hear from him for over a week and not know if he's ok? Oh man, he doesn't know the past and can he deal with the future. Overanalyze will eventually drive you crazy no matter if it is in life, work, friendship or love. I wish I could take the advice that I spew sometime and learn to just see what happens today instead of always planning for the future. It's good to look ahead sometimes, just not all the time.

Today I did a good job of shoving anger and irritation aside and ended up having a great day. I met Dante's (the ex) mom, son, niece and nephew as well as another friend for what I thought was a hike, but turned out to be a day of lounging at the lake in Sugar Pine. Awesome. Hanging out all day with a group of people that are really happy to see me and want to be around me because I am me. Sometimes I forget that. I think I forget because the memories of them hurt too much at times. I am closer to all of them now than I have ever been, with the exception of one. One which I have never been farther apart from. The one that I love and hate and know that gone forever is everything we had and yet, in my heart, I still can't let it go. Too much story and too much hurt to go down that road right now...ok, anyway, talked to Dante and he just irritated me with his ever increasing indifference to me while I was sitting in front of Shaggy's house waiting for everyone. Mind you, I sat out in front of that place for over an hour waiting for them. After talking to Dante, I just got so upset that I was ready to call them and say that I was going to bail. Instead I sat there and tried to cool down and just tried to remember that there is nothing I can say that will make a difference when he is like he is right now. Not quite the dragon, but at the very least of of those big fucking iguanas. Anyway, I chose to let the fact that I sat there for an hour. To be honest, it was a nice morning, I was parked in the shade, it was very serene and peaceful. Was is so bad? What would I have done at home? Maybe it even happened for a reason. Anyway, I had the best time with the kids. Sometimes they bring up things that sting. They don't mean to, they are just kids. Everyone talks about everything around them anyway and man, they have seemed to grow up so quickly. I realized that there was a uncomfortable memory brought up for all the adults today at different times and it sorta made me realize that hell, we all go through embarrassing stuff and who cares? Shitty shit happens to everyone and its good to know your not the only one. Anyway, all in all good day. Can I just ever be happy with a plain ol good day? Maybe not because I am too busy looking ahead.

Here we go again

I am getting to the point where I just think it would be better to be by myself. Not that It's really a far stretch from where I am now, but I mean swearing off everyone - friends, family, everyone. So my latest worry is about my new guy - can I call him that? If I'm lucky I see him twice a month. He's a firefighter and I totally understand how busy he is especially around this time of the year, but now worry is starting to set in. We have talked at least every other day since March and he is really a great guy. If he's such a great guy, why won't he call back? Are you sure you are just not getting dumped? I wish I knew. Last time we talked was the day before father's day and I was on my way home from my dads and he called and said that he was in town at his cousins house and he would like to meet up for drinks. I said sure, that I just had to stop by the house and change into some dry clothes. About 10 minutes later he called and said "Guess what?" I said "You got called to a fire" you see, that had happened like the last five times we were going to meet up. He said that they had to be rolling out by 6:00am so he was going go back home which actually worked for me cause I was kinda tired from swimming and BBQ-ing at my dad's house. He called me later on that night around 10:00 before he lost reception and called me his overtime good luck charm. I laughed and told him that I understood it was his busy season, but if he started pulling this shit around Christmas I would start to get suspicious. We both laughed and I told him to call me when he could and let me know he was ok and he said he would then said good night. That was six days ago. His work and personal cell phones have both gone right to voice mail since Monday. What if something happened to him? How would I ever find out? Can I take it again if something really did happen? If he is ok and just out of range, could I really be ok with caring about and possibly falling in love with someone that I couldn't get a hold of? In my heart of hearts I think that if he could call me he would. Why does this always happen to me? What is it about me starting to care about someone and before I know it - HA HA! GONE AGAIN! Oh, wipe those tears; try again! Maybe this one will really like you and treat you right. Maybe this one will not leave you for someone else and break your heart. Then again, maybe he will, so keep trying. There are still a few places in your heart that look like they are in good shape and filled with hope. You know how I feel about that. Can have you holding onto to much hope now. I guess it might be called a numb worry, but I'm not sure. I guess I will do what I have always done best. Wait and see.

A few at a time

Today, I am skipping ahead to present day. One week ago today, I was given a two week notice at my job. Now to be fair, I work(ed) for a home builder and quite honestly, I really thought I was getting axed in December, so on the bright side I lasted six months longer than I expected. There is a part of me, of course, that is a little apprehensive about not having a job, but a bigger percentage is almost looking forward to it - and I feel kinda bad for feeling that way. I love my job. I have been there for 3 1/2 years and they are really a big part of my life. Sounds kinda sad saying it and it looks pretty sad reading it too, I will tell you that. None the less, these are the folks that were here for me through my break up and all that went with it. When stuff like that happens you really find out who your friends are. I've been watching the "family" dwindle away little by little as people have been let go due to the housing market. Oh well, I have enjoyed it while it lasted and fell extremely lucky for the opportunities that I have been given.

Fast Forward

Well, here I am almost two years later and exactly six months to the day from my 30th birthday. All in all, I fell pretty good. Still have tough days and get the crazy emotions and all, but as a whole I'm so much better off than I was 2 years ago. 2008 has been a pretty big year for me in a lot of ways. I had gone to visit family in Seattle over Christmas (I'm from California, so it was really cool to have a white Christmas) The year before had been tough because of the breakup and all the incidentals that went along with that, so while I was looking forward to getting away, I was more than a little apprehensive about spending the holidays with 18 of my family members in 1 house with only 2 bathrooms for a week. Oh and did I mention aside from the 4 kids who were 16 and under, I was the only there without a significant other? And they were planning on playing a version of the "New Newlywed Game" which I would get to host because, well, you know. Why is it so easy to love family, but so hard to like them at times. Anyway, the point of this rambling is that all of these things I was so worried about turned out to be not that big of a deal after all. Don't get me wrong, at times it was a more than a little tough, but no where near as bad as I thought it was going to be. I had so much fun meeting my new family members (REALLY long story - I'm sure I will get into that at a later time) and being Auntie Trish to my little niece Bella. God I love that kid. It feels so good to have the "Auntie" title. I had a fantastic snowball fight at a frozen lake with 10 of my family members, drove to downtown Seattle and explored the City by myself which was extremely liberating for me as I'm normally attached to someone when I'm out of town and I get lost going to my own bathroom sometimes (not that bad, but you get the idea) and really tried hard to enjoy myself. Point being, had I stayed home by myself like I had wanted to originally I would have missed out on so much cool stuff. Along comes 2008 :) First thing I decide to do is cut my hair which I had been growing out for the last seven years. Aside from my eyelashes, the thing I like best about me is my hair. It's naturally curly and I love it when it does what I want it to. I thought it was time for a chance and ended up getting a gift certificate for a free hair cut and off I went and so was the hair. Not sure if my picture is up yet, but there I am about a week after I cut my hair and I thought it came out pretty good. I'm currently debating if I'm going to grow my hair out long again tho - I think I miss it. Anyway, I about a week later I decided to join eharmony - so not something I would have ever done before. After all, I had been out with one guy since my break up and it was a disaster. His wife left him for someone else, he didn't want to believe it and even though they had gotten a divorce he was so not over her. I can understand how it hurts, but for Christ teeth guy - don't go out with a woman and bring up your ex in every since conversation no matter what the topic ok? To top all that off, he was annoying as hell. Didn't like my dog (should have known right then) and the best way I can describe him is this : George Castanza from Seinfeld. With hair and perhaps a little taller, otherwise it was him to the T. Oh except this guy stills lived with his parents after getting divorced. Side note: Saw Divorced Guy last weekend at a mutual friends BBQ and he STILL lives with his parents. You're 34 and have been divorced for almost three years now. Wonder why you are still single... Point of all this - flaming disaster and I thought it was about time for me to at least attempt to get out into the dating world.

Ok, every boyfriend I have ever had, including Divorced Guy, have all been introduced to me by friends so I have absolutely no real dating experience. Screw it - I'm not big on picking up people in bars and after the last set up, I was in no real hurry to go through that again so I threw down $60 for one month and went for eharmony. The truth? It's ok. They ask you A LOT of questions up front which someone like me is ok with, but I can see where a few people might get frustrated with it. Oh and for the commercials that show people getting rejected from eharmony? Unless you fully admit that you are an arsonist or serial killer or something, there should be no reason why you are rejected. I ended up getting to the point of 'open communication' with three different guys and it's kind of funny to talk to someone on the computer and over the phone then meet them in real life. Guy #1 was really a nice guy, but not really attractive which was too bad because he had a kick ass voice. Man, the fantasies alone you could have just with that voice...Met with Guy #1 twice and really, no sparks from either end. It turns out that I actually went to high school with guy # 2. I couldn't remember him at all so I tore through all my year books and could only find one picture of this guy - long hair, mid head-bang, playing the guitar. Ok, maybe not so bad. We talked for a few weeks and found that we knew some of the same people so I was actually looking forward to meeting him (again?). We agree to meet at a Starbucks close to my house for coffee before he heads to San Francisco to meet up with some friends. I get there, get my coffee and go outside and found him waiting for me at a table. I sit down and we start talking and honestly, the conversation isn't too bad. The looks? Quite a bit different from the year book picture. Closed to shaved head, Drew Carey glasses and works for a computer repair shop and also sports the company repair van. When we stand up to say good bye, we are the same height - next please. Guy #3 a firefighter. One picture posted and the guy is wearing a hat, sun glasses and heavy jacket. Sure like this is going to work. What the hell. I only have about two weeks of this eharmony thing left and not too many prospects. We chatted for awhile on line then on the phone and finally decided to meet up. Truly, I had no hopes of this going anywhere. He lives about an hour away from me, spends most weekends in Reno and plus that he was probably really hot. I figured we'd have a nice dinner, maybe a drink, he would let me down easy and I would come home to Chico. I guess it was sort of a good thing that Guy's 1 & 2 didn't work out and because I had such low expectations for the evening I was really relaxed; mostly I was focused on pizza and beer.

I get to this pizza place on a Saturday night and they are packed. I'm not quite sure what the guy looks like (remember the not so good picture?) and all I can think is "F*ck. I bet he bailed". Just about that time my phone rings and Guy #3 says he is out front waiting for me, was I close by? I told him I'd be right there, take a deep breath and head outside. Holy Sh*t. This guy is hot. And suddenly, he's hugging me! Are you serious? Dark blond hair, blue eyes, built very nicely, beautiful smile - the whole freaking package. We went to the bar and drank beer till our table open up, had pizza talked and laughed like crazy, then (I couldn't freaking believe this) he took me to see a Led Zeppelin tribute band. When the night was coming to and end, he walked me to my car and um yes, I kissed him. The nicest feeling that I have had in a long time was that feeling of mutual attraction. Looks like good things were finally headed my way...

Lessons

So in my last pity party blog I lightly touched on some of the chaos that have been so prevalent in my life for the past 8 years. My friends, step-sister, co-workers - everyone it seemed - was married with kids. Their lives were settled and what the hell was wrong with me? How come I wasn't normal like them and had those things too? Everything I had worked so hard for was gone (I never understood how people who divorced or separated lost everything until this point) I made this guy my whole world for the last six years and he leaves me for another woman 1 month before we are supposed to be married? What is so wrong with me that I can't keep a guy? Don't already have kids? Yet there is the tiny voice in my head that yelled back 'Are you serious? You really think that kids would just fix all of these problems and feelings? Think again.' Later on I would wonder how many people I would consider "normal" think the same way I do.

It wouldn't be until I was separated for almost a year, multiple doctor visits and finally four different doctors later that I discovered that what I had been experiencing were panic attacks. Finding out exactly what was wrong with me was both upsetting and a relief. Upsetting because on top of just recently watching my relationship of six years break up, losing my home (and my rental home), my car, my stepson and all the other things that are too numerous to mention, the last thing I wanted was to start going to therapy and having to take prescription medications three times a day. I wasn't already insecure enough at this point so lets toss crazy on top of that; even better.

Why relief? Relief because sometimes my heart would pound so hard I though it might explode. My hands would get clammy and sweaty and I would feel like I was on the verge of passing out at any given time. Some days I couldn't stop shaking and worrying for seemingly no reason and believe me, this was no way to live. As embarrassed as I was about it at first, the only thing I could really think at this point was "The hell with this. I have been through enough in the last year and I will be dammed if I'm going to feel this way forever."

What a difference a day makes

For many years I have asked myself "will I ever be normal?" and have recently started answering back with "well, what is normal?" and so the search begins. First things first - I break out my Oxford American Desk Dictionary and Thesaurus and see that normal is described as "1 conforming to a standard; regular; usual; typical;. 2 free from a mental or emotional disorder. adj. 1 average, conventional, ordinary, universal, orthodox. 2 sane, stable, rational."

Ok, based on the definition above, would I consider myself normal? Um, probably not, but you? At a passing glance I'm sure you would. Average American 29 year old female: 5'2, blond hair, blue eyes, attractive, a few extra pounds, 8-5 job, renting a condo, living with my dog and 2 cats. Proud owner of a 85 teal Ford Thunderbird - paid in full and mine, all mine. Sounds pretty typical right?

Now let's look at this from another perspective - mine. About two years ago I was engaged to be married to a guy I was with for over six years, had two homes, brand new cars, a combine income of over $100,000, a step son that I adored and planed on having kids of my own once we were married. This is the way its supposed to be, isn't it? During that time, I wasn't always so sure. "Look at all the things you have, look around at your family" I would tell myself. "You aren't even 30 years old yet and look at yourself. You already have more than most people will ever have in a lifetime! Keep working hard and who knows what you will have in the future!" So please tell me why I would go through such serious bouts of depression? Why do I wake up and feel like crying? How come I can't stop picking fights and wanting to blame everyone else for why I was unhappy? Maybe I was just overwhelmed, after all, its normal to feel overwhelmed at times. Somewhere around October 2005 I started having trouble breathing and just felt like something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Looking back on it now, I guess this was the beginning of my journey for normalicy.