Back on the wagon

Well, I have decided that I want more than what the firefighter can give me. How stinking sad is this? He is like my ideal guy, has so many qualities that I want (loves beer and is SO funny)but I know in my heart, it is not going to work. My biggest problem is his job. I rarely see him as it is and I know hope often he is gone over firefighting season, but even if this might have a chance of working out, I do not want a relationship for 6 months out of the year. I want more than he can give and it is so not his fault. He loves what he does and bless him, because I would not to do what he does. I just know I would be bitter about it in the long run and he's too wonderful of a guy to have a falling out with him over his life's work. So I have started back up with eharmony. After all, this is where I met the firefighter right? Perhaps I can get lucky again. Am I just being stupid? I feel stupid and I'm not sure why. Am I the exception to the rule? Where is my guy? If I'm meant to be alone, please let me know so I can save myself another 50 bucks.

I don't need no stinking title

So over the weekend, I went camping in Napa with Dante's mom and her friend. We had the best time. I love to camp and this was one of the first camping trips I have ever been on where no one fought, argued or was irritated with anyone. Everyone pulled their own weight and when plan changed, no one freaked out. It was a great few days. So recently I have been getting along well with Dante. I had him watch the dog while I was gone - he did a half ass job like I expected him to but whatever. So I am still jobless and still seem to be the one to loan Dante money for gas, food, whatever and things will never change. He was right. He will always need someone to take care of him and I want that for myself too. The difference is that I will give what I get an in most cases more than I get. Yesterday he changed my oil and I had made dinner and it is so comfortable when we are together because we did it for so long. I can still see a lot of the little things that I think would still get on my nerves. So like usual, he tries to grab at my boob or smack my ass (man I sound fucked up writing this) but really, again, I think it was because that was the habits we had for so long. He asked me to touch him, sleep with him etc and I said no. Just earlier I had been telling him about my issues with the firefighter and another guy I went to dinner with (another day that one) and we talked (again) about his "girlfriend", the one whose married. Oh yeah, hell of a girlfriend. In some ways though what can I say? Am I any better than him? Well this afternoon he stopped by on the way to a friends house and what do I see but a hickey on his neck. The only thing I can say is that I am so happy I didn't sleep with him. Funny cause today I thought about calling him and asking him to stay the night tonight. I will not and cannot deny how lonely I am sometimes and how it is comforting to be with someone so familiar, but more and more I am realizing that I cannot rush what I want and just hope that one day it will find me (one day soon!)

Still don't have a job and still trying to figure out how to get to Hawaii, but fuck it, I'm going to figure it out somehow. Oh and I am a total bitch for going out with a guy twice now and then deciding not to call him back. We went to dinner at Chilli's and then to lunch and a movie. I could tell that he was getting interested in me and decided in the movie that I would not kiss him and that after that day, he would never hear from me again. I told him that I would call him when I got back from camping which was Sunday, but I haven't called and don't think I am going to. What do I say to this guy? "Sorry, you seem really nice, but you're really not that attractive and I'm just not feeling it. Good luck." So I am choosing the pussy road out and not going to call him back. Ever. So the firefighter - He called last week and said he was in town for two nights (about 30 minutes away from where I live) and did we get together? Nope. Then I can't help but think "Really? This is another guy you are worrying about, whom you never see hardly at all, who is staying with his cousin about a half hour away and he calls you on his way back home to go fight more fires? Are you really going to waste more of your time on someone who isn't going to be devoted to you?" So I make up my mind I will not call him for awhile, then he calls me Friday after we get finished setting up camp. He said that he got the next two days off and wanted to see what I was up to. I told him camping and we talked for a bit. When I talk to the guy, I just freaking melt all over the place. Then the next day, we had just finished lunch and he called again. Very unlike him, but we chatted again for awhile and I told him I would call when I got home. I called him Sunday night and we talked for about a half hour or so. I invited him to thanksgiving, but who knows if he will show. Oh, that and I have gained about 20 lbs (no kidding) and I am ashamed of myself and wonder when I will decide to pull my head out.

It's good to be free

Today I am going to drift from my usual gripes about my love life, ex's, job and such. Yesterday was the 4th of July. Already!?! Where the hell did this year go? Where the hell have I been? Anyway, yesterday I went to my dads house and hung out with him and my step mom and we had a BBQ, swam in the pool and played darts (actually the pool and the darts went had in hand and I won again, but only by the sheerest of luck. It was a hell of a game tho) Anyway, after hanging around the house and doing our thing we headed down the street to the local mall that put on a fireworks display. It was actually quite beautiful. Watching the show, I couldn't help but wonder how many people around me took the time to really remember what this day is all about. Do they just think of it as another day off? An extended weekend? How many people really stop and appreciate the day for what it is for? Now, I will admit that I didn't sit there all day and give thanks to those that made it, and still make it, possible for me to sit in a parking lot with 200 - 300 other people and enjoy a fireworks show without having to worry about being bombed or killed by a suicide bomber or anything like that, but seeing the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air and knowing than in the morning our flag will still be there never fails to choke me up. There are so many things that we as Americans take for granted and trust me, I am one of them. I guess you really don't know what you've got till its gone and most of us have been fortunate enough not to have ever had to live without them. I feel a deep appreciation to the people that have given, risked and changes their lives so that I could live mine the way I do. Not just the people in my lifetime, but to those hundreds of years ago who fought for their beliefs because that still enables me to have mine. I look back on the other stuff that I have blogged about and it seems so trivial and yet I know that soon, those things will consume my life again. The point of this is that I am and always will be proud to me an American. Sure America has its problems and there are those who protest the USA and even some of those who wish to destroy it. Do you know why they are able to? Because of America. To me America is like a Far Side cartoon that I love. Satan is in hell standing next to a guy facing two doors. Satan looks at the guy and says "C'mon, cmon. It's either one or the other". One door is labeled dammed if you do and the other is labeled dammed if you don't. This country will never be able to please everyone; it has been that way from the start, but it's a damn fine place to be and hell of a lot better than a lot of other places in this world. God bless America. it's good to be free.

Now I get it and other random thoughts

I remember when my friend Pam was let go and I couldn't help but thinking that it must be nice to have a bit of a break. I mean hell, who wouldn't love to sleep in and stay home all day after staying up all night reading or watching TV? Getting up when you want, taking the dog to the dog park, not having to worry about rush hour traffic, high heels and all the other day to day stuff that gets so monotonously irritating? Me. About three weeks after Pam was let go she emailed me and the being at home thing was really getting to her. She said, and I quote "I would give my left eye to be be back at work and have something to do..." Well, I think I would probably toss a toe in there too if I could go back there. The saddest part about all of this? Today is Wednesday and my first official day of being laid off was Monday. That's right, two days ago. How stinking sad is this? How in the hell am I going to get through the next couple of months until I get another job? I started working at 15 and truly the last time I was without a job was over 8 years ago and it was by choice. Not to mention that only lasted a month and I was living with my best friend so that made things all the more easier. So much has changed since then. Granted I don't really have to worry about house or car payments, but I'm still a little nervous about relying on the state for my rent check you know? No sugar coating it here - I do not have a lot of friends. Ok, so I could probably count them all on both hands. Most of my friends are older ladies and people that I had worked with. The other pisser about not working? Work was where I interacted with people. If not for work, some days I wouldn't talk to anyone. Boy, and I thought I felt alone last week!?! I am trying to focus on my upcoming trip to Hawaii (yes, what a tortured life I must lead) and you know what I am thinking about? What the hell am I going to do over there for two weeks all by myself? And do you know that a part of me is actually throwing up reasons why I shouldn't go? What the hell is wrong with me? I am going to be able to take a two week trip for $500 out the door. Plane ticket and place to stay included, just need to buy food and get around and I am trying to talk myself out of this? I have no job, no real responsibilities at this point (The dog and cats will be well taken care of) and the 'boyfriend', hell that might be the most confusing thing in my life at the moment.

Ok, so because I am a stupid fuck I had dinner with Dante night before last. Let's back up a tad - I was supposed to go with his family on a hiking/kayaking trip on Saturday and we fought again on Friday night and I really didn't want to ruin my day and the families day, so I decided to stay home. It actually turned out to be a great day. Took the dog to the dog park and spent three hours talking to some nice ladies. Man, I have really got to check my attitude. I was a total bitch to one of the ladies because I just wanted to be left alone and I was on the defensive. What a crock. I have got to ease up and not be so rude right from the start. I really do try to be a nice person, but sometimes, I get a 'bitch build up' and out she comes. Anyway, so Sunday I made a cake for Dante's daughter (because his mom asked me to) and took it over to his Uncles house where they were having a party for her. I did give Dante a heads up that I would be there so there would be no surprises. - The total pisser was the guy called me Saturday morning around 9:00am after everyone else had already left and asked me why I wasn't going? I could have killed him. Fumed about it all day and that, no doubt, helped my bitchiness towards that lady - ok, back on track. So I told everyone that I had dinner plans so I was just going to drop off the cake and that would be it. I really was planning on going out to dinner with the firefighter so it wasn't a total lie. I knew it was going to happen and it did, but he bowed out on me for dinner and asked if we could have lunch the next day instead. Sure thing. Of course that would be ok. Anyway, so I get over to Dante's families house and am able to hang out with everyone for about an hour until Dante gets there; it is Dante's daughters birthday and he was bringing her so I really wanted to stay to at least wish her a happy birthday. While I was there I met a friend of his uncles named Bill and when I introduced myself he said "Oh, you're Mia. The woman Dante should have married." I must have looked surprised and said "Well it's nice to know he says that to someone cause he never says it to me." We talked for a little bit and Bill said that he had had a few heart to hearts with Dante and he talks about me a lot and how much he messed up with me. Bill doesn't even know the half of it. I left about 10 minutes after I got there and even though I didn't plan it this way, I ended up giving and getting a hug goodbye from everyone except him. He seemed very nonchalant about everything and we made nice for the family and I still kept up the pretense of going to dinner somewhere else because I didn't want to risk fighting or getting irritated. It was all very pleasant and when I went outside Dante's uncle and friend Bill were out front and I hugged his uncle (his uncle was leaving town the next day for awhile, another reason I wanted to go over there) and shook Bill's had, said it was nice to meet him and he just looked at me and said "Dante should have married you." I laughed and thanked him then walked to my car. Angela came out (Dante's daughter) and said goodbye again so I hugged her and wished her a happy birthday. When I got in the car and started to pull out I looked up and saw Dante had come out and was standing on the porch with Bill. Bill was saying something to him and Dante was just looking at me. I gave him a little wave and a half smile and got nothing back - he just looked at me. I wasn't sure if he saw me or not, so I waived again and again nothing. By that time I was to the point of pulling out of the parking lot and just drove away. Went to the store, got myself a piece of salmon and some asparagus and went home and had dinner alone. Got a call from the firefighter the next morning and though for sure that he was going to cancel on me, but much to my happy surprise, he did not. I drove to Auburn to go have sushi with him and it was really great. The whole time which was way to short for me, but I am trying to step back and realize that it is not all about me. The guy just got done working for two weeks strait and the only reason he cancelled dinner the night before was because he was exhausted and slept for 14 hours. I think I should feel pretty good that he wants to spend time with me on his only days off. But a part of me wants more. I am still very self conscious about my weight and tried really hard to look good and didn't get a compliment. Yikes. We stopped by a little record store on our way to sushi and I can't really say if it was feeling comfortable or a little awkward, but be sorta separated out and looked for our own music and sorta had to ease into conversation. He purchased a CD and we walked to the sushi place. Ok, it was awesome sushi, great company. The food and presentation was delicious and we kept up good conversation throughout lunch. We each had a large beer and shared each others lunch. All in all it was a very nice time. He was going fishing with his buddy after lunch and I was slightly disappointed (I did drive 40 minutes to see you and all we did was have lunch. This is the first time in over a month that I saw you, and how long will it be before I see you again?) I have to keep reminding myself that this is the only down time this poor guys has and the next day, its another 2 weeks without a day off. Not to mention that over lunch on one of the days he could call me, he had to call his buddies wife to tell her that her husband would not be able to call her and not be able to make it home fore his sons 5th birthday. The wife said she understood. Could I ever be that understanding? I really don't know. I have always made the significant other in my life my whole world and that is my downfall. I experienced so much loss when I was younger and I just latch on to everything and I clearly understand that my firefighter is not that kind of guy. He is very independent and needs his buddies. I think I may need more than that in the long run. But what a guy, so nice and sweet. He wouldn't let me see the bill and tried to pay for lunch, but I made him take 40 bucks. He usually ends up paying for more than his share and has spent a lot on gas to come and see me so I told him to go buy some beer for him and his buddy for their fishing trip that afternoon. After arguing back and fourth he finally took the money. Good boy. I don't feel right not paying for myself. Anyway, he walked me back to my car and we talked about music and he sings parts of songs from the music he likes. I love how he is so ok with just breaking out into song in the middle of the street. So we get to my car and we hug goodbye and kiss - briefly. I'm not sure what I am looking for in that department. It is 2 in the afternoon and we are standing in the middle of town (literally) so do I expect him to grab me, throw me down right there and take me? Oh, wait, that's what I WANT to happen. Big sigh. I can never tell if when he's looking at me if he is happy with what he sees or if he regrets asking me out again. I have put on some weight and always deal with the self conscious thing. Big shock. So we say goodbye and I go home and nap and get a call from Dante. He said he was surprised that I answered the phone. "I thought you hated me." I think I do sometimes, but I was feeling pretty good from a good day and just said that I was tired of fighting with him so I wanted to let everything go. He said "I noticed that you made it a point to hug everyone goodbye except me when you left the other day" Later, that statement made me wonder if it was my subconscious doing that. And then there is the part of me that wanted to hug him and have him hug me back like he used to. Those days are long gone man. Anyway, so I agree to meet him for dinner (I'm sure I will bitch about how stupid I was in the next few days). So he tells me that he and his girlfriend broke up for real (again) and I just sorta held up my hand and said I didn't really care. I did however tell him my concerns about my firefighter and of course he said that I should break it off with him (sad Dante is still one of my best friends huh?) Dante pissed me off by catching on to everything that I have been trying to deny. I do want someone who will be there all the time. That I will be first for him and he first for me. In my heart of hearts I don't think we will have a future together. Not even when he is not busy with fire season. When we first talked, he said that he thinks he is ready to settle down, but I think he and I have two different ideas of what settling down is all about. Especially since I have been down that road and almost bought the farm at the end. Another wrench in the game - the firefighter still has no idea about any of that. Reason being that we have just never made it to that point in conversation yet. I don't feel that that is something that you just toss out there in conversation you know? It takes time to bring that stuff up you know. Anyway, Dante and I actually had a very nice evening. We got a ice cream, went to the park, watched people fish and then almost got busted by the cops :) Somethings never change. (Um, we had a bowl full of pot, we were not having sex) Anyway, I went home and all in all had a good night. I got a phone call from my firefighter the next morning as he was heading out and I'm just not sure if he is just lonely too and that's why he calls and wants to see me. I know that he has got to be picked up on by girls everywhere he goes. He's a real good looking guy, beautiful smile, nice teeth, gorgeous eyes and great voice. What the hell would he want with a fat chick like me. desperation is what I think. So here I am. Another lonely, jobless day wondering where my life is headed. I'm almost 30 and instead of having an idea of where my life is going I have no idea what direction I am headed.