Holidays

In general, I like holidays. My mom always celebrated every holiday and I do mean every holiday. Easter, Valentine's Day, St. Patty's Day, Arbor Day, President's Day - you name it and there were themed decorations associated with each holiday. Growing up, I thought it was kind of cheesy, then after my mom died, I missed it so much. My now grown-up conclusion is that in defiance of bad times, she liked to celebrate life and make good times with her friends and family so pick a day, any day, and she could make it a holiday. Pretty cool to have someone care that much.

But I digress. The reason for tonight's blog is that I'm feeling a little selfish tonight and know what I want to do and what I'm probably going to do. Let's face it, I'm having a pity party - table for 1 please.

Thanksgiving. My mom's family does not speak to my dad and and right back at them so I try to split the day evenly among my aunts and uncles and my dad. (Funny I'm doing this at 30 - how many other people go through this crap?) So this year I was planning to cook dinner for my dad, step mom and her family (which is pretty much my family too - after 14 years I think it's ok to make that statement) then my uncle on moms side called and said he wanted to have dinner at his place with the family around 1:00 - what did I think. I call step mom and see if maybe we can consider doing it on Friday or they would just have to deal with the fact that I would be gone for a few hours but come back as it's about 30 minutes or so between the two houses. I can tell right away she is so not receptive to the idea. We argue back and forth as I explain that I do this every year and last year I spent Christmas with mom's side so I could have the entire day of Christmas with them this year....anyway, it ended with me saying I would email mom's side and see if they would entertain the idea of a Friday dinner. The next night, step mom calls me and said "Well, I got everything fixed since you decided not to spend the holiday with us. We are just going to my mom's house so you guys are welcome to come with us or meet us up there if you want. Her mom's house is 2 1/2 hours away from us normally. From my Uncle's house, make it 3 1/2, perhaps 4. I explained to her that I already asked my mom's side to change it and she goes "That's not what you said. You said you were going to spend it with them and then maybe come back by. Why should you cook just to drop off food and leave? I thought I was doing you a favor this way you could see everybody.

Yes, awesome of you to put me four hours away from both sides instead of 30 minutes. You know this pisser is the only person there I would be related to is my dad? And that is why for as much as I want to tell step mom to fuck off and would like to tell mom's side that I might be busy this year and just spend a nice, low key, low drama day with Nick, his daughter and the dogs - I will not because I want to see my dad. We are the rocks that keep each other sane at events like these and man this pisses me off to know I have to go and I don't want to, but that's a lot of what life is about.

Plus, I know how much holidays mean to him because the same woman who taught me to love them taught him to love them too.

Happy

Tonight I sit in front of my computer after just having made dinner for Nick and his daughter.

The game is on the TV with Nick watching intently.

Chico and Rachel (dogs) are on the couch.

And I am realizing that even with all the day to day worries of bills, work, sickness and everything else that comes with just being a regular, everyday person - that I am happy. And I've been happy for quite a few months now. Wow. What a feeling :)

This is it - for real this time

Dante leaves tomorrow morning at 9:00am and he won't be coming back. We have officially known each other 10 years now and through the good the bad and the ugly, he has always been within driving distance and if he was a phone call away, at least it was in the same time zone.

Not any more. One of my co-workers asked me yesterday how I was doing with it and at first the question caught me off guard and she said "You know, because this is it. Any relationship you had with him here is finally over." Right you are my friend, right you are.

For the last three weeks he has been busy with trying to spend as much time as possible with his kids, packing, selling furniture, his car etc. and to be honest I have seen him twice in the three weeks. I totally undertand why he's been away and spending time with the kids etc., but before he got the job offer, he would come over to the house at least once a day (much to Nick's irritation I'm sure - bless him for being such a trooper) and hear from him a few times a day by phone. As stated earlier, I've seen him twice in the last two weeks and talked to him for a combine total of 45 minutes. And I'm trying not to be a pissy little bitch about it and I am failing miserably.

I probably don't even have a right to feel sort of abandoned here at the end, but I do. By Dante. Again. Apparently I never did learn my lesson. Nick has even noticed how Dante has been all but absent lately. This after the female best friend abandonment (blog still in the works) just sucks ass. I know deep down it is for the best and probably a long time coming. On the other hand a loss is a loss and man, I'm tired of loss. When it is all said and done, I think this will finally put the past in the past and let me really move on with my future. Now I just have to find a new topic to blog about.

To Bevie - thank you for the note. As things are tough for everyone right now it's nice to know that some people genuinely just want to check in on you just because. Take good care ~

Bank of where???

So I read and article today on Fox News about a Marine from South Carolina who was killed in battle and his next door neighbor decided that she would plant flags along the route where his funeral precession went to honor his memory. Apparently, the chosen route passed in front of a Bank of America. Are we getting the name here people? BANK OF AMERICA. As the neighbor is planting these flags in the ground to show her support, the branch manger of this "Bank of America" comes out and starts pulling up the flags sighting "corporate policy" and said that BofA was not allowed to fly any flag, including the American flag etc.

Are you F-ing me? Has this country become so worried about political correctness that it's citizens a) can't honor their own soldiers and the folks who fight to protect it or b) be proud of their country because they are worried about offending another culture? Since when is being proud if your country such a terrible thing? It is a damn shame that the country so many people love would turn her back on them in such a way and it's a sad, sad day when you can't even show support at a funeral for someone because some other jackass who has nothing to do with it might be offended.

Fuck you and your stupid policies "Bank of America" and fuck the stupid branch manager who was such a corporate sell out that they either couldn't or wouldn't distinguish what was clearly the right thing to do.

Moving and such

Dante is moving. To Denver. Next week. And I am so sad.

Oh the irony! So if any cares to bother, start at the beginning of my blog and that will explain Dante in more detail. Short version - He was my ex of 7 years and one month before the wedding, he left me for someone else. That was 3 years ago, almost to the day. Now, we are the best of friends. Yes, I know. Shake your heads, yell , scream, ask me what the fuck is wrong with me and all I can tell you is I have no idea. As one of my favorite people in the whole world put it, "Honey, I can forgive, but I can't forget." That's my only defense.

Anyway, he has been put of work for almost 2 years now and just last week was flown to Denver for an interview. He was told Friday that they want him out there next week. For him, I am happy, for me, I am so sad. What else is making me sad is Dante's somewhat girlfriend Jodi. She joined the military, moved away a few weeks ago for training and came back last Saturday for a visit and isn't leaving until Tuesday. Which is when Dante leaves. I am the third wheel. I totally get why he ignores me (not necessarily on purpose) but in my own selfish way, all I can think I have seen my best friend almost every day for the better part of 10 years and next week he is moving and his time before he goes won't be spent with me.

I sound jealous, I feel jealous, I am jealous. He drives me crazy and I know that we would never, ever work out together again for multiple reasons, but I still wish that he would miss me with way I missed him. Too much more that I could ramble on about, but September sucks for me anyway and it looks like it's not getting any better as the years go by.

On the other hand, I am wondering if this won't be a really good thing too. Dante used to come over all the time to hang out with Nick and I (yes, even crazier I know) and Nick, bless him, has been a total trooper about it. I know he won't be sad to see Dante go and to be honest, it will give me even more time with Nick. It will be so different with Dante and the memories not being so close by and maybe this will be the last of the chains that still weigh me down from time to time.

Nick and I have now been together about 8 months now and I am really starting to fall in love with him and it's a very different kind of love and relationship than I had with Dante. For example: this morning, I has some concerns about the bills and asked if I could have a conversation with him about it. We sat on the couch, shut off the TV and I sat there and was able to really talk, not yell, accuse, justify or criticize, but just get off my chest what I was worried about and in turn, hear him and what his views and concerns were. In total, the conversation took maybe 10 minutes. Over all, it will last all day. What I mean is I said what I has to say and was able to have a good, calm talk with the man I love and it didn't blow up into some huge argument. What a novel idea.

Its all about the bitches

So I'm not sure how many of you out there breed dogs, have ever bred a dog or even just thought about it. I am just going to say right now that I am not dog-breeding material. So Nick has a black lab, Rachel, who is purebred, papered, and in heat. We really hadn't given much thought to any of this until we saw the nice blood stain on the comforter.

Guys - is it any wonder chicks get so bitchy around that time of the month? I mean really?

Anyway, so Rachel is in heat and my main man, Chico, is all about it. Problems: Chico is about 2 feet and 80 pounds too small for the job, not to mention that the poor guy is nut-less (got him from the pound and they fix them before they let them go). Other problems: he won't stop whining. At all. Ever. All night long. Even if he is in the same room with her. Jesus Fucking Christ. For the last three days all he has done is follow her around and cry. I don't even think he ate yesterday.

Then, we had taken a day trip to the City and when we came home our next door neighbor is waiting outside for us and - oops - looks like his dog broke down our fence and got it on with Rach. Awesome. Not papered or anything, so not as much money, but still, sweet tempered, pretty dog, so we were stoked. Nick and the neighbor decided they would get the dogs together the next day to "seal the deal" if you will.

6 hours later.....

I come home from work to see Nick and our neighbor all hot and irritable looking. I asked what happened and the response was (and I quote) "The dip-shit dog couldn't get it in and make it stick. I watched him spooge all over the ground like five times. I think the best part was her being so horny and him having to take naps in between." Needless to say, we will be trying again next week with my Aunt's dog. Keep you posted as I know more...

A lot of people like me, but only a few really know me - which is probably why so many people like me

I came to that conclusion earlier this afternoon and while I think I've always known it, I really actually payed attention to it for the first time today. It all started last Friday when my new boss asked me to take a personality test. I was a little surprised, but actually kind of pleased. I mean I have never had a boss who cared enough to see what my personality was all about and furthermore share with me the same about them. I took it as a good start to what will hopefully be a strong bond...

Anyway, so I take this Meyers-Briggs test and discover that I am an EFNJ. Basically, sensitive and hardworking, likes to be praised, dislikes criticism etc., etc., (even though most of us know how we are, it's still tough to read about yourself so blatant and open) but perhaps one of the things that stuck with me the most is how my "type" are people persons and being as such we tend to shift/shape our attitudes and behaviors from moment to moment based entirely on our present company not only to make our lives easier, but theirs as well.

To be honest, I know I do this - I read people pretty well and sometimes change the tone of my voice or my energy level to accommodate certain people whom I know I speak or move too fast for, but how often do I do unconsciously? Today, I decided to not only watch my reactions to people, but also made it a point to stand firm on certain issues with my true self "Don't-give-me-any-of-your-bullshit-cause-I-won't-take-it" attitude and let me tell you kids, I don't think people like the real me. Not that I am a bitch (which I sure can be) but I am not always the self sacrificing door mat that others would like to take me for. Generally I do try and cater to other because quite frankly, it makes my life easier, but when I don't people seem to chalk it up to "stress" or "having too much on my plate" at the moment?

Wouldn't they be surprised if they really knew what my "type" is? Hence the conclusion that so many people like me because so many of them have no idea who I really am.