Holidays

In general, I like holidays. My mom always celebrated every holiday and I do mean every holiday. Easter, Valentine's Day, St. Patty's Day, Arbor Day, President's Day - you name it and there were themed decorations associated with each holiday. Growing up, I thought it was kind of cheesy, then after my mom died, I missed it so much. My now grown-up conclusion is that in defiance of bad times, she liked to celebrate life and make good times with her friends and family so pick a day, any day, and she could make it a holiday. Pretty cool to have someone care that much.

But I digress. The reason for tonight's blog is that I'm feeling a little selfish tonight and know what I want to do and what I'm probably going to do. Let's face it, I'm having a pity party - table for 1 please.

Thanksgiving. My mom's family does not speak to my dad and and right back at them so I try to split the day evenly among my aunts and uncles and my dad. (Funny I'm doing this at 30 - how many other people go through this crap?) So this year I was planning to cook dinner for my dad, step mom and her family (which is pretty much my family too - after 14 years I think it's ok to make that statement) then my uncle on moms side called and said he wanted to have dinner at his place with the family around 1:00 - what did I think. I call step mom and see if maybe we can consider doing it on Friday or they would just have to deal with the fact that I would be gone for a few hours but come back as it's about 30 minutes or so between the two houses. I can tell right away she is so not receptive to the idea. We argue back and forth as I explain that I do this every year and last year I spent Christmas with mom's side so I could have the entire day of Christmas with them this year....anyway, it ended with me saying I would email mom's side and see if they would entertain the idea of a Friday dinner. The next night, step mom calls me and said "Well, I got everything fixed since you decided not to spend the holiday with us. We are just going to my mom's house so you guys are welcome to come with us or meet us up there if you want. Her mom's house is 2 1/2 hours away from us normally. From my Uncle's house, make it 3 1/2, perhaps 4. I explained to her that I already asked my mom's side to change it and she goes "That's not what you said. You said you were going to spend it with them and then maybe come back by. Why should you cook just to drop off food and leave? I thought I was doing you a favor this way you could see everybody.

Yes, awesome of you to put me four hours away from both sides instead of 30 minutes. You know this pisser is the only person there I would be related to is my dad? And that is why for as much as I want to tell step mom to fuck off and would like to tell mom's side that I might be busy this year and just spend a nice, low key, low drama day with Nick, his daughter and the dogs - I will not because I want to see my dad. We are the rocks that keep each other sane at events like these and man this pisses me off to know I have to go and I don't want to, but that's a lot of what life is about.

Plus, I know how much holidays mean to him because the same woman who taught me to love them taught him to love them too.

Happy

Tonight I sit in front of my computer after just having made dinner for Nick and his daughter.

The game is on the TV with Nick watching intently.

Chico and Rachel (dogs) are on the couch.

And I am realizing that even with all the day to day worries of bills, work, sickness and everything else that comes with just being a regular, everyday person - that I am happy. And I've been happy for quite a few months now. Wow. What a feeling :)

This is it - for real this time

Dante leaves tomorrow morning at 9:00am and he won't be coming back. We have officially known each other 10 years now and through the good the bad and the ugly, he has always been within driving distance and if he was a phone call away, at least it was in the same time zone.

Not any more. One of my co-workers asked me yesterday how I was doing with it and at first the question caught me off guard and she said "You know, because this is it. Any relationship you had with him here is finally over." Right you are my friend, right you are.

For the last three weeks he has been busy with trying to spend as much time as possible with his kids, packing, selling furniture, his car etc. and to be honest I have seen him twice in the three weeks. I totally undertand why he's been away and spending time with the kids etc., but before he got the job offer, he would come over to the house at least once a day (much to Nick's irritation I'm sure - bless him for being such a trooper) and hear from him a few times a day by phone. As stated earlier, I've seen him twice in the last two weeks and talked to him for a combine total of 45 minutes. And I'm trying not to be a pissy little bitch about it and I am failing miserably.

I probably don't even have a right to feel sort of abandoned here at the end, but I do. By Dante. Again. Apparently I never did learn my lesson. Nick has even noticed how Dante has been all but absent lately. This after the female best friend abandonment (blog still in the works) just sucks ass. I know deep down it is for the best and probably a long time coming. On the other hand a loss is a loss and man, I'm tired of loss. When it is all said and done, I think this will finally put the past in the past and let me really move on with my future. Now I just have to find a new topic to blog about.

To Bevie - thank you for the note. As things are tough for everyone right now it's nice to know that some people genuinely just want to check in on you just because. Take good care ~

Bank of where???

So I read and article today on Fox News about a Marine from South Carolina who was killed in battle and his next door neighbor decided that she would plant flags along the route where his funeral precession went to honor his memory. Apparently, the chosen route passed in front of a Bank of America. Are we getting the name here people? BANK OF AMERICA. As the neighbor is planting these flags in the ground to show her support, the branch manger of this "Bank of America" comes out and starts pulling up the flags sighting "corporate policy" and said that BofA was not allowed to fly any flag, including the American flag etc.

Are you F-ing me? Has this country become so worried about political correctness that it's citizens a) can't honor their own soldiers and the folks who fight to protect it or b) be proud of their country because they are worried about offending another culture? Since when is being proud if your country such a terrible thing? It is a damn shame that the country so many people love would turn her back on them in such a way and it's a sad, sad day when you can't even show support at a funeral for someone because some other jackass who has nothing to do with it might be offended.

Fuck you and your stupid policies "Bank of America" and fuck the stupid branch manager who was such a corporate sell out that they either couldn't or wouldn't distinguish what was clearly the right thing to do.

Moving and such

Dante is moving. To Denver. Next week. And I am so sad.

Oh the irony! So if any cares to bother, start at the beginning of my blog and that will explain Dante in more detail. Short version - He was my ex of 7 years and one month before the wedding, he left me for someone else. That was 3 years ago, almost to the day. Now, we are the best of friends. Yes, I know. Shake your heads, yell , scream, ask me what the fuck is wrong with me and all I can tell you is I have no idea. As one of my favorite people in the whole world put it, "Honey, I can forgive, but I can't forget." That's my only defense.

Anyway, he has been put of work for almost 2 years now and just last week was flown to Denver for an interview. He was told Friday that they want him out there next week. For him, I am happy, for me, I am so sad. What else is making me sad is Dante's somewhat girlfriend Jodi. She joined the military, moved away a few weeks ago for training and came back last Saturday for a visit and isn't leaving until Tuesday. Which is when Dante leaves. I am the third wheel. I totally get why he ignores me (not necessarily on purpose) but in my own selfish way, all I can think I have seen my best friend almost every day for the better part of 10 years and next week he is moving and his time before he goes won't be spent with me.

I sound jealous, I feel jealous, I am jealous. He drives me crazy and I know that we would never, ever work out together again for multiple reasons, but I still wish that he would miss me with way I missed him. Too much more that I could ramble on about, but September sucks for me anyway and it looks like it's not getting any better as the years go by.

On the other hand, I am wondering if this won't be a really good thing too. Dante used to come over all the time to hang out with Nick and I (yes, even crazier I know) and Nick, bless him, has been a total trooper about it. I know he won't be sad to see Dante go and to be honest, it will give me even more time with Nick. It will be so different with Dante and the memories not being so close by and maybe this will be the last of the chains that still weigh me down from time to time.

Nick and I have now been together about 8 months now and I am really starting to fall in love with him and it's a very different kind of love and relationship than I had with Dante. For example: this morning, I has some concerns about the bills and asked if I could have a conversation with him about it. We sat on the couch, shut off the TV and I sat there and was able to really talk, not yell, accuse, justify or criticize, but just get off my chest what I was worried about and in turn, hear him and what his views and concerns were. In total, the conversation took maybe 10 minutes. Over all, it will last all day. What I mean is I said what I has to say and was able to have a good, calm talk with the man I love and it didn't blow up into some huge argument. What a novel idea.

Its all about the bitches

So I'm not sure how many of you out there breed dogs, have ever bred a dog or even just thought about it. I am just going to say right now that I am not dog-breeding material. So Nick has a black lab, Rachel, who is purebred, papered, and in heat. We really hadn't given much thought to any of this until we saw the nice blood stain on the comforter.

Guys - is it any wonder chicks get so bitchy around that time of the month? I mean really?

Anyway, so Rachel is in heat and my main man, Chico, is all about it. Problems: Chico is about 2 feet and 80 pounds too small for the job, not to mention that the poor guy is nut-less (got him from the pound and they fix them before they let them go). Other problems: he won't stop whining. At all. Ever. All night long. Even if he is in the same room with her. Jesus Fucking Christ. For the last three days all he has done is follow her around and cry. I don't even think he ate yesterday.

Then, we had taken a day trip to the City and when we came home our next door neighbor is waiting outside for us and - oops - looks like his dog broke down our fence and got it on with Rach. Awesome. Not papered or anything, so not as much money, but still, sweet tempered, pretty dog, so we were stoked. Nick and the neighbor decided they would get the dogs together the next day to "seal the deal" if you will.

6 hours later.....

I come home from work to see Nick and our neighbor all hot and irritable looking. I asked what happened and the response was (and I quote) "The dip-shit dog couldn't get it in and make it stick. I watched him spooge all over the ground like five times. I think the best part was her being so horny and him having to take naps in between." Needless to say, we will be trying again next week with my Aunt's dog. Keep you posted as I know more...

A lot of people like me, but only a few really know me - which is probably why so many people like me

I came to that conclusion earlier this afternoon and while I think I've always known it, I really actually payed attention to it for the first time today. It all started last Friday when my new boss asked me to take a personality test. I was a little surprised, but actually kind of pleased. I mean I have never had a boss who cared enough to see what my personality was all about and furthermore share with me the same about them. I took it as a good start to what will hopefully be a strong bond...

Anyway, so I take this Meyers-Briggs test and discover that I am an EFNJ. Basically, sensitive and hardworking, likes to be praised, dislikes criticism etc., etc., (even though most of us know how we are, it's still tough to read about yourself so blatant and open) but perhaps one of the things that stuck with me the most is how my "type" are people persons and being as such we tend to shift/shape our attitudes and behaviors from moment to moment based entirely on our present company not only to make our lives easier, but theirs as well.

To be honest, I know I do this - I read people pretty well and sometimes change the tone of my voice or my energy level to accommodate certain people whom I know I speak or move too fast for, but how often do I do unconsciously? Today, I decided to not only watch my reactions to people, but also made it a point to stand firm on certain issues with my true self "Don't-give-me-any-of-your-bullshit-cause-I-won't-take-it" attitude and let me tell you kids, I don't think people like the real me. Not that I am a bitch (which I sure can be) but I am not always the self sacrificing door mat that others would like to take me for. Generally I do try and cater to other because quite frankly, it makes my life easier, but when I don't people seem to chalk it up to "stress" or "having too much on my plate" at the moment?

Wouldn't they be surprised if they really knew what my "type" is? Hence the conclusion that so many people like me because so many of them have no idea who I really am.

Back again

Hi all - brief run down:

Nick and I just celebrated 6 months together - I'm just as surprised as you are.

Dante is moving to Illinois - I'm so not ready for that to happen. Holy stink.

Job - got promoted and someone got let go cause of me. Feeling like an asshole for no reason?

Friends - Got dumped by my best friend and it hurts just as bad as when Dante left me. That blog is currently in the works.

Started taking hot yoga - the difference inside and out is amazing already.

~Later gators

Marriage - Maybe just cohabitate instead

I just got finished reading an article on MSNBC which was a blip from the Today Show about a female author who has after 20 years of marriage has decided to call it quits. (roll your mouse below to see the link)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31452178

To be honest, as I'm reading her surprisingly open story about her own experiences and views on the woe's or marriage, a part of me wanted badly to disagree with her, say she was wrong and that marriage could be a wonderful thing if people would just work at it...so what happened with Dante and me? Oh that's right! Both people have to be willing to work towards the same goal and deal with all the other obstacles that arise along the way. Same goal being the operative word.

It was actually very disheartening to read about how one man said that his "heart actually drops when my wife comes in the room" and not just for her, but for him too because ladies, I know some of you feel the same way about your men. To hear that a majority of women would rather have a house-husband if you will and maybe a infrequently-seen fling on the side from time to time would be ideal just rocked me. Sure, I have joked about it and yes, if you have three guys side by side, they will all have a quality that the other doesn't making each unique and perhaps one can give you something at one time the other can't but does that give us the ok to live in a Brave New World society just yet? Everyone enjoy everyone else for the sake of happiness and self pleasure? Maybe not. A little too Buring Man for me.

But how many others feel the same way as the author? More than I want know about I'm sure. The fear of being labeled a failure by society, friends, family and even our kids can make men and women alike stay in relationships that make them miserable for the sake of pleasing others. What a sad existence when you think about it.

I won't ruin the article by lamenting about my views, but it just made me sad and at the same time realize how true it rings of society today. In her closing paragraph, her advice was that everyone, men and women alike, should save their selves the heart ache and forgo marriage.

For me personally, I will always hold out hope that I too will have what my parents had - the love and patience to stay with each other no matter what, till death did they part.

Bittersweet

I haven't blogged in weeks and really, I miss it. Work has been crazy busy but it is going fantastic, so I can't complain. Ok, spoiler alert here - yes, I moved in with Nick and we still have yet to have the first major fight >:) Totally different situation I guess which brings me to tonight's topic - Dante.

Read back if you must, but Dante and I were together for 7 years and have known each other about 10 now. Lots of good stuff has happened to him recently and we have actually become pretty close again since I've moved in with Nick. He comes to have lunch with me at work, I see him on the weekends, and we talk almost every day. Yes, Nick is aware of it, can't say he likes it much, not that I would in his situation, but then again, Nick is still technically married. To the second wife. Yah, back the fuck up off me son. Anyway, I keep digressing. The point is Dante has been staying with his mom the last few weeks waiting for his apartment to become available. In that time he met someone and even though they aren't "dating" per say, it's totally the beginning of something. He spends a lot of his time with her, talks about her a lot to me now and asked me if I would meet her. Which of course I will. I knew it would happen sooner or later and I have asked Dante to do the same with me regarding Nick and he did and still does.

What I didn't expect is that it would still hurt.

I feel like an ass. It's been 3 years, he has done so much to me but still, it hurts to know he didn't/doesn't want me. Again. Silly I know. Things did indeed work out for the best and Nick is wonderful, but I guess there will always be that feeling in me. It's not that I want him necessarily, but it was that he was once mine and I don't want anyone else to have him. It feels kinda like when you hit your funny bone, but there is nothing really funny about it at all, at least not to you because no matter what you call it, there is an unpleasant feeling and it still hurts.

Where in the world is Mia?

Wondering exactly what I'm doing that's what! Hi everyone, all is well. I have moved and just gotten my Internet up and kickin. Time to pick up where I left off, so yes, more backtracking.

Quick updates:
Still have not seen the firefighter since January (haven't technically broken up with him either - yikes!)
The MySpace guy - tracked me down on Live Chat, messenger etc. Thinks he is still in love with me...
Dante and I - almost friends again.
Most suprisingly, still together with Nick. Go figure

Get Outta Town!

So I last left off where Nick and I were going away together in San Francisco at this place where I had a gift certificate for a weekend stay for two at a rather nice hotel. Yes, hotel, not motel :) He comes by after work to pick me up - and brings me a (at least) $200 bouquet of flowers. I am truly quite shocked. With the exception of my dad, I have never gotten anything better from my guys than a dozen roses that you get at the store. Yeah, that includes Dante too. Not that you should bitch when you get flowers or anything, but sometimes its nice to have something with a little thought put into it. Anyway - I say to him "Nick, these are beautiful, isn't it going to be a little tough to bring them with us though? He looks at me and says "What do you mean? I figured that you would just toss them on the counter and we would be done" WTF? Who spends money like this on someone you don't know? Oh well, I'll hitch a ride for a bit you know? So I finish taking my class on line and we head off. Now, aside from mutual physical attraction, we are still on a 'getting to know you' type basis, so the car ride down is a lot of perfunctory questions, but there is just no denying the sexual tension in the car. I'll spare you the gruesome details, but we could not have arrived at the hotel soon enough...

Then we actually got there.

If you remember at the beginning of my story, I was planning on using a gift certificate that I had received in 2006. Now, as I live in California, gift certificates do not expire in California. Me being a planner, I called ahead, spoke with the admissions person, got an email confirmation, brought it with me etc. Well - the lady behind the counter - Kelly - was a huge bitch. Ok, it's like 10:30 by the time we get there and we are (for lack of a better description) ready for bed. Kelly informs me that my gift certificate is expired and we cannot stay there. I politely inform her and show her my back up for the room confirmation. After 20 minutes of back and forth, she finally relents and says "I need to charge $25.00 to a credit card and you can stay." No problem right? Oh yeah, not problem if you are not me. Ya see, Nick had cash on him ($2,000), but no card and I had put my card in my pants pocket after I got gas...then changed those pants before we left. Awesome. Kelly informs us that there is no way we will be allowed to stay there without a credit card. Nick asks if he can give her the cost of the room for the night in cash as collateral. She says no. He asks if he can give her a $500 deposit for the night. She says no. I on the other hand am just thinking to myself "Are you fucking kidding me? I drove all the way to SF with this super hot guy I've known for like a week or so and here we are 10:30 at night, 2 hours from home with no place to stay." Nick is now starting to get pissed and Kelly is seconds away from threatening to call the cops (I could just see how well that would work out) so I step in front of Nick and say we should leave. We are both pissed, but I am now at the giddy stage of WTF, so I am laughing my ass off. After things like this happen to me so often, I figure I can either laugh or cry. Shocking I don't do more of the latter. Well, as luck would have it there was a Motel 6 right next door. He says "Fuck it?" I say "Fuck it" and we head over to begin our romantic weekend at fabulous Motel 6...

When it rains, it pours

If you've ever bothered to read my archive blogs, you'll note that the vast majority of my moans and gripes have not just been about about my love life, but the lack there of. For months and months (possibly even a year or two) I have been so lonely, wondering if anyone out there would ever fall in love with me again or even show me the slightest bit of attention for that matter. Truly, I cannot begrudge the firefighter because he is truly a good guy. Shitty in relationships in my opinion, but never once did we fight or argue and I am indeed a better person for having known him. The divorced guy can suck my balls and Dante is a whole different animal, but one that I still love as much as I hate. Now there is Nick. I hate to jump ahead without at least telling the few good stories that I have to tell about us first, but what the hell, you'll find out sooner or later anyway.

Nick and I have been dating for about two months now, his daughter (who is very sweet and polite by the way) is slowly but surely warming up to me. I have come to discover that yes, he is indeed can be pompous and more than a little cocky, he is also extremely romantic, sweet, funny, thoughtful, caring and dare I say it (maybe too) in touch with his feminine side. More stories about Nick later, but the gist of this is that I am exclusively dating Nick at this point. I know, I know.

So I'm at work today and I have to run next door to track down some paperwork. If you're not up to speed, the office next door to where I currently work is where I got laid off from last year. Irony: That office is the biggest client of the law firm I now work for. Hilarious isn't it? Anyway, so I'm next door and I see a friend of mine that I used to work with and hadn't seen in a few months. Now this guy here: super fuckin hot. Like dirty, nasty, almost wrong at work fantasies about this guy. God he is good looking. He was a bodybuilder at one time, blue eyes, a little on the shorter side, clean shaven, clean cut dirty blond hair and just plain gorgeous. All of this aside, he was married to the same woman for 20 years (he's mid 40's), has three kids so way off limits. To be fair, I was with Dante and would never have dreamed of cheating on him, but this guy was the nice day dream from time to time. Anyway, the last time we worked together everything was status quo for him, but I had heard in December that he and his wife were having problems, but didn't think much about it (firefighter was flaming back up if you will). So today he comes over to the office where I am working (did I mention I happened to be on my knees at this time going through files? Can you hear the porn music in the background?) we talk for a few minutes and I notice he's lost a little weight. I ask if he's ok, and he says "Well you know what's going on right?" I say no and he reaches out his hand and says "Come up here so I can tell you about it". He pulls me up and tells me that he moved out in December, in January the wife had hired a realtor to sell the house and served him with divorce papers. Ouch. What can you say man? He was there when Dante and I split up and that whole ugly scene so I totally get it, but still, what is the right thing to say? So we talk for a little longer and I say I have to get back to the law office. As I go to leave he sorta steps in front of me and says "Before you go, I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner or out for drinks sometime. You have always intrigued me Mia." SHIT! SERIOUSLY? I pick up his hands in mind and tell him that I am beyond flattered, but I've recently started seeing someone and it's getting sorta serious etc. He smiled and said that he wished he would have asked me sooner, but if I am ever interested to give him a call...

Wondering why I said no? Because not only do I not want to be in the middle of a possibly messy divorce and be a step mom to three kids, but because I think I am really starting to care for Nick...

P.S. Bevie ~ I really enjoy your commentary. If you would like to share a little more about yourself or even share your blog, that would be awesome. Thanks for coming back and really, there are some good stories coming up in the next few days :)

MySpace

I hate MySpace, really I do. Personally, I think it is childish, stupid and a thousand other kinds of slanderous phrases. The bigger pisser? I have a MySpace page. Why? Because there are certain friends and family that seem to only want to communicate through MySpace, so I have broken down and yielded to the hype. Total and complete bunk - until someone you haven't seen in years and have wondered about continuously tracks you down.

Which is exactly what happened to me tonight.

My high school boyfriend was one I had a crush on for two years before we finally went out and he was my first love for a distance and up close. And oh yes, I did all the silly girl stuff of admiring him from a far, taking up the same interests, getting to know the same people - all to be closer to him. When we finally did become "boyfriend-girlfriend" I was beyond happy. That is until his parents decided to move out of state two months later. Oh how I cried and cried. For almost a solid year I pined after that guy. We would talk a few times a week, write each other letters and to be fair, the last time I actually saw him would be around 1993 and we did manage to keep in touch until some time in 2001. He got married, had a kid, moved from Arizona to Texas to Florida and I managed to keep up with him through all that. Of course once I started seeing Dante, everyone else seemed less important, especially people I hadn't seen for years. Now, I have thought about him quite often from time to time, tried to find him in the yellow pages and had even tried MySpace a while back with no luck, so I figured if we were meant to cross paths again then we would. And now we have. So far all I have is a message that says "Remember me?" Please my man, how could I forget? I have no plans on seeing him or anything, hell, I don't ever know where he lives, but I am just amazed at how life works out sometimes. In this case, all thanks to MySpace. Who would have thought? Most definitely not me.

What to do, what to do...

Go away for the weekend? Together? Holy crap. And, as usual, the conversation in my head went something like this:

-Mia, you haven't even known this guy a week.

-Yes, but your Bro knows him and works with him and he's met your dad. Isn't that a good sign?

-Sure, that's exactly what every other stupid ass girl who's ever gotten raped or murdered has said about the new guy she went away with after know a few days. Good call.

-What happened to taking a leap and trying something new when an opportunity presents itself? If this guy wants to take you out and spend money on you for the weekend, let him.

-But then I would feel like I owe him.

-Wait, is that such a bad thing? (Stupid grin to myself)

-Jackass. Ok, you know the mantra: Take a chance. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen, but if you don't take a chance nothing happens. That doesn't mean don't be careful though...


So I text him back "Sounds like it could be fun. What did you have in mind?" He suggests camping. Camping? You are aware that it's February right? Oh please don't be pretty but stupid. I can't deal with stupid. I text back that I have a gift certificate for a place in San Francisco for a weekend stay so why don't we just use that? He says it sounds good and hence, the weekend away looms in the near future...

As a few of you have noted and should be obvious from my descriptions, Nick is very handsome, but can be one cocky son of a bitch. He's good looking, educated, rolls like he has money and has a goddammed gift when talking to people. At first glance, he seems shallow and pretentious - the kind of guy you are either too intimidated to talk to or the kind you fall over yourself to get at. I figure I've got to see if there is anything more to this guy or if this is going to be a waste of time for both of us.

I get home from school the following night, call him and tell him I'm really tired, but I'll call him tomorrow. He sounds disappointed

N - "That's all I get for now?"

M - "What do you mean?"

N - "Good conversation. it's been so long since I've had it and you've left me yearning for more."

Inside voice: WTF??? What kind of guy says yearning in conversation? Oh yeah! Fags and poets.

M- "I too enjoy our conversations, but tonight I just want to crash and burn ok?"

N - "Ok, no problem, I understand. Sweet dreams and I will talk to you tomorrow ok? Good night."

A few minutes later my phone rings - a text message from Nick: "So we aren't taking the dogs then?" Ok guy, for a few minutes I'll bite. You get 10 maybe 15 minutes of conversation from me then your done. I call him back and say "So you are determined not to let me sleep huh?" I ask. We talk for a few minutes about the weekend and I say that I'm getting pretty tired, but I was glad he text me again. "You know, you have a really nice voice. I like hearing you talk to me." I said. He asked what I wanted him to say and I said "Tell me a story." he got real quiet suddenly. "What kind of story do you want to hear Mia?" I said "Whatever you feel like sharing with me Nick." And he proceeds to tell me about his near death experience almost 10 years ago, what happen with his first wife and other life changing events. Out of respect and privacy I won't go into details, but I know that I spent the next hour and a half listening, in awe, of his life story. When it was all said and done, I also knew that I had a lot of misconceptions about this guy, his attitude and behavior. In all honesty, if I had cheated death in such a fashion, I think I might do a lot of the same things. Oh, and yes, I have seen the scars on his body and the pictures of him in a wheelchair when they said he would never walk again. What a trip to look at the picture then look at the guy in front of you. Anyway, point of all this is that his 'story' that night made me want to get to know the real him. At the end of the conversation, it is agreed that he will come to my house tomorrow night and we will then go to dinner. The next night, he ends up having to work a little late and doesn't get to my place till 8:00 or so. He comes in and I can tell he's tired, but man, he sure looks good. He gives me a hug and I love the largeness of him of you will. I like that he is powerfully built, over six foot, deep voice, big hands...so I pour us both a glass of wine (ok, this is my second glass) and we sit on the couch listening to music just talking about the day. We finish our wine and he looks at me with that adorable crooked smile and says "We should get you to dinner. You got all dressed up and look so pretty." I know I blushed, refilled out wine glasses and said they were just my work clothes. I took a big drink of wine cause I was starting to feel nervous in that good way again, sat down next to him on the couch and said maybe we could just run to the store or find something here to eat. Did anything sound good to him? "Yes." he said, "There has been one thing on my mind that I have been hungering for all day." then leaned forward to kiss me. Wow. My head spins and all I know right then and there, we are not making it to dinner. To be fair, this is the first time in 30 years that a phenomenon like dating 2 really hot guys within a short span of each other has ever happened to me and who knows if it will again. Think about me what you will, but I'm going to enjoy the ride while I still have a ticket.

So we are making out hot and heavy on the couch he takes off his shirt - oh my God, I am ashamed to admit how turned on I was just by his body. Not that you can't be attracted to someone regardless, but the fact that he was as ripped and toned as he is just fired something off in me...I mean the fire fighter had a nice body too, but this guy here just blows him out of the water. Almost Adonis like is all I can say. And yet, I am ashamed to admit it.

You see, I am not even close to being in that realm. Honestly, I am a good 40 pounds overweight, which helps me look curvy, but far from the tall, slender, long legged chicks that this guy dated/married; I've seen the pictures. Even I don't think I seemed like his type, what's even better, when I brought that up to him, he said "I know. You're not my type, but there is something about you that draws me to you. From the first night I saw you, I knew I wanted to be with you." What do you say to that? Yet in some respects, I feel far more advanced that he does. Like sex for example. I have had more partners than he has and probably more versatile experience if you will. I am more confident about certain things than he is and have no trouble speaking my mind. As a person, I can be overwhelming and intimidating just being my normal self, so in ways he may have met his match. Ok, enough rambling, back to the story.

As stated earlier, we are pawing at each other, his shirt off, my blouse off, tank top coming off and I stop him "Before we get going, um, you know I just got my job at the law firm and don't have insurance yet, so not only do I not have a condom, I don't have birth control either." He pulls back a bit (I'm sorta laying on top of him on the couch) looks at me for a moment, and laughs. "I love how blunt you are. You always seem to catch me off guard. No need to worry honey, I have condoms and (bonus) I'm fixed too." Being the classy, horny little bastard I am I said "Well, why are your pants still on?" We both start grinning and he says "Princess, this is going to be a great night" leans forward, puts his huge hands on either side of my head and pulls me towards him for deep, soft kiss. When he finally pulls back, he looks at me with those big blue eyes and says, "I've wanted you since the moment I saw you and I can't control my desire for you any longer. Come to bed with me."

I think I just said this a few months ago, but this here, this is the best sex I have ever had. Better than when I was 18 and sleeping my co-worker whom I publicly hated, but secretly lusted after. He was a wrestler, cocky attitude, cut body and red hair. For some reason, red hair is always a winner with me. Anyway, when we finally did have sex, it was phenomenal but this here - this is bigger and better than that (and everyone else).

We finally made it to my room about 9:00 or so and fell asleep around 2:00 (do the math kids) and no, no sleeping in between. I swear to you, it really was just like one of those ridiculous Harlequin romance novels where the guy is just saying the most beautiful things, there was sweat glistening off his rippling muscles, hair was cascading off the pillow and all that stuff you buy in a little hardback for $7.99. I can honestly say, I have never had anyone give me so much pleasure or make sure that I have as much pleasure as possible during sex. Afterwards when we would lie there, both spent and flushed, just talking, sharing, laughing about anything and everything when one of us would touch the other either on purpose or accident and instantly, the desire would flare up and we would be at it again. The alarm went off way too soon at 6:30 and you better believe that we were back at it again - to the point where I have to work at 8:30 and I was almost late :) Nothing better than walking through the door when your co-worker looks at you and says "I notice your moving a little slow today like you got rode hard and put away wet. Man you look beat!" and the only thing I could think to say was "Really? I'm not sure why. I was in bed by 9:00..."

So now it's Friday morning and I get a text: Good morning beautiful. You rock my world and I can't get you out of my head. I'm sweeping you away tonight after work, but we might need to blow off a little steam before we leave. Have a great day and know that I will be thinking of you till I have you in my arms again...

The Nick Situation

Skip to the next day and I am a nervous wreck. The previous night found me running through the house like a madman, cleaning, straightening, arranging - you know all the stuff you do before company comes; especially really hot company that you are trying to impress against your better judgement. Perhaps you are asking yourself "What about the firefighter?" I know I sure did. Allow me to elaborate a little more about that whole scenario and it might help clarify exactly why I was doing what I did.

The last time I actually saw the firefighter was the beginning of January, the day he met Dante (but he still to this day doesn't know what role Dante played in my life) After that, his attitude towards me seemed to cool immensely (I'm pretty sure I blogged about it) and I would call him like two or three times before I would get a call back and then it was "Hey, I'm in Nevada visiting family" then it was "My car broke down so I am staying with my buddies for a few days till it gets fixed" then, "They need to order my car part, so it will take a week or two to even get here" and never once a "Hey, I miss you" or "I wish you would come and see me" (which I would have) and of course missed out on yet another family event (and I am very big on family) and the one thing that really stuck out in my mind - not even a text or a phone call on Valentine's Day. Super ouch. You know, it's not like I am expecting gifts, but really man? I've invested a year in you and you can't even pick up the phone and say hi? Gosh, maybe that's broken too. This whole episode really drove home for me how much I needed to let this guy go, no matter what the attraction. From that point on I stopped calling him and focused my attention on Nick which was becoming easier to do for multiple reasons which I will divulge later on. But what would be a good Mia story if I didn't have some sort of conundrum to still deal with. The issue? I still haven't told the firefighter that I am 1. wanting to break up with him (can you break up with someone you aren't sure your going out with?) and 2. Because I am seeing someone else. I feel that I should at least let him know what's up. The reason you ask? Because for the last week he has been blowing up my phone like he thought I died and came back from the dead. All the messages are the same "Just thinking about you and missing you. I guess when you find some time call me back." I don't call him and I get "I hope you are ok. I'm just worried about you and trying to track you down. I guess your time is pretty well monopolized, but I wish you would call me." and so on. What the stink? And people think chicks are complicated. To be fair I have called him back three separate times and he has been with his friends, family or literally getting ready to drop off to sleep and no matter what I just didn't have the heart to blurt out that I wanted to stop seeing and talking to him like that. I'd like to do it in person, but when the fuck am I going to see him? He left me a message last night saying that he wants to come and see me on St. Patricks Day - so now what? Do I wait till then or sack up and call him now and just do it over the phone? One last item of fun - Nick is still out of the loop on all this too. Good times.

Ok, back to the second date (if you will)

Nick gets to my house around 8:30 and we decide to just hang out on the couch, have a glass or two of wine and watch Tropic Thunder. For all of those who have scene it, you know what a terribly offensive movie this is. The best part is that we both loved it. We have the same sick sense of humor, laughed at the same shit, made the bad jokes about the movie and ended up scooting and snuggling closer and closer on the couch until I had my arms wrapped around his torso and he had his arm over my shoulder, hugging me and playing with my hair. Now, as I've said before, he is not a big drinker and at this time he has had one and a half glasses of wine which is his limit, and I've just finished glass number 3. As I'm hugging him, head resting on his tummy, I could swear I am feeling something rock hard against my forearm. "It must be his jeans. It has to be his jeans. Holy shit, I don't think that's his jeans. Oh. My. God. He is freaking huge." All the while he is rubbing my back and letting out little sighs, so I move my arm up a little and yup, the bump I was feeling goes away. I slide my arm back down and this time get a shudder and a sigh. I pull back and look up and he leans down to kiss me. Oh man, slow and sweet yet absolutely intense. I'm running my hands over his muscular arms as he holds my head telling me how he can't believe how lucky he is to be there with me, how beautiful I am, how he hasn't been able to keep me off his mind since he saw me etc. The kisses get a little faster, more demanding and soon, it's all I can do to try to keep my mind focused. Ok Mia, time to slow down, way down. I pull back and away, say I have to use the restroom and almost run from the room trying to compose myself. I decide that if I don't put the kibosh on this right here, right now, I was going to rip this guys clothes off and wreck this fool. Good God, I sound like such a slut. In my defense in a years time, the firefighter and I slept together 3, yes 3 times and the first time was 9 months after we met.

Anyway ~

I walk back out into the living room, sit next to him on the couch and say "I've had a really nice time, but you have to go." The look he gave me was of utter disbelief. He sputters out "I'm really sorry, I usually don't get that aggressive with someone so soon. I didn't mean to upset you or anything." I laughed and said "Honey, I'm not offended, but you still need to go ok? I really did have fun and look forward to doing it again, but you still gotta go." I stand up, he follows suit and looks depressed and somewhat crestfallen. I on the other hand, am looking at this fool thinking good Lord, this guy is gorgeous and he clearly wants you - why in the hell are you throwing him out? You know why kids? Cause I wanted him to come back. I wanted him to realize that no matter how good looking you are (or you think you are, cause he clearly knows he is) not every chick is gonna sleep with you right away to try and keep you. After everything else with Dante and me hanging in there and pursuing the firefighter for a freaking year only to be let down, I figured fuck it. Let this dude pursue me if he's up to the challenge.

He started to look genuinely upset and he said that he hoped I wasn't throwing him out because of his behavior. I laughed, walked over to him kissed him and said no, it was because I needed to keep us both in check. We walked to his car and kissed again and he said "Now you have really got me intrigued. No one has ever thrown me out before." I laughed and said "No dear, I just asked you to leave. If I would have had to throw you out, you and I would be having a very different conversation right now." I smile, tell him to drive safe and again, turn around and walk away. Second time's a charm cause I get a text later on saying "Hello beautiful. I have never met another woman like you and don't think I ever will. Can't get you out of my head and am counting the hours till I see you again. I know it's soon, but I'd like to take you away for the weekend if you're free..."

Adventures in dating - continued

About 30 minutes after I tell him to come on by, the doorbell rings and the nervousness begins to set in. As usual, my mind starts racing with 80,000 different thoughts such as:

Do you really remember what this guy looks like?
What if he gets totally freaked out by the house? (my step mom's taste in decorating is more than a little different, but that's a story for another blog)
What the hell am I doing even going out with this guy?
What are you going to tell the firefighter?
Am I going to tell the firefighter?
What if he's really a total jerk? Maybe I should take my own car.
If he's as hot as I remember, I sure hope I run into Dante somewhere.
I wonder if my dad will like him?
Hell, I wonder if I will like him?

I take a deep breath, open the door and - dear God - has he possibly gotten hotter than he was last night? A nice pair of jeans and one of those form fitting polo shirts that feels all silky to the touch and shows off those muscular arms I was hoping I didn't imagine. He smiles and says hi and I do the same and invite him in. He comes in, sits on the couch and starts chatting with the folks like they were catching up on old times. No hints of nervousness or lull in conversation and I am just sitting there thinking man, what is the freaking catch? Guys just don't do this sort of thing, at least not the ones I go out with. Hmmm, maybe I should rethink my caliber of men....anyway, we all sit there and talk for about 20 minutes and then we take off to go to this little corner bar to get a drink. What impressed me right away? The manners. He opened my car door, waited till I got in and shut it, so I reached over and opened his for him. I was under the impression that this is what females should do; I mean, it's what I've always done. In any event, he was quite surprised and said that no one else had ever done that for him before and he was touched by the thoughtfulness of it. Now I just can't wait to see what comes out of this guys mouth next.

So we get there, sit at the bar and start talking about hi-lites of the game, other sports we enjoy, life, things we like to do, what bugs us and again, we end up having great conversation. What's even better? This guy is funny. I mean, my type of humor funny. A little sarcastic, blatantly obvious humor with a dash of smartass. While all this is going on, he keeps scooting his bar stool closer to me, telling me how pretty I am, how happy he is that I decided to see him and he'd really like to take me out again. I finish my beer and although I am still trying to be cautious, I find myself more feeling comfortable and attracted to this guy than I want to be at the moment so I tell him I'm getting tired and ask if he'll take me home, which he does with no hesitation and says "I'm glad your ready. Not because I wouldn't love to sit here and talk to you all night, but I want to get home to my daughter and after last night, I didn't want you to think I had another date after you or anything." (insert a ridiculously cute little crooked smile here) Poor bastard. I had been ripping him up one side and down the other about the series of speed dates that he had recently been on, so this I took with a grain of salt. I laughed, said no worries and he took me back to my dad's. Once we get there, he pulls to a stop and I blurt out "You don't need to get out or anything you can just drop me off right here you know". Out comes that cute, crooked smile again and he says "Well, if I want to get out and say good-bye is that ok?" I laughed and found that I was actually a little disappointed the evening was going to be over. He gets out and walks over to where I am standing and again says what a nice time he had, how he wants to do it again soon and when can he see me again? I say I will call him later and let him know and he says "Ok, I'll be home in like 10 minutes if you want to call me then. I'm kidding! Well, sort of. I will just be happy that you call me whenever it is." So I look up at him (He's like 6'1 or 6'2 while I stand just over 5') and say "Don't worry, I'll call you soon" then proceed to launch myself up at him, give him a quick kiss on the lips, smile and say good night." He looks kinds shocked, then laughs and says "For a second there I thought you were going to attack me." to which I say "Good thing you were on your best behavior then huh?" and this time when I wave good bye, I don't look back. It must have worked cause I got a text from him a few hours later that said "I really want you to know what a nice time I had tonight..Good chemistry and you seem real. I like that. Sweet dreams and looking forward to hearing from you soon..." Giggling like a little girl I text him back and say that I have school and another appointment later on in the week, but if he wants to stop by for a movie tomorrow night I would be free. In less that 30 seconds I get one back saying "I'll be there around 7:30. What can I bring?"....

Back in action / Adventures in dating

Hi all! It's been a long while and boy do I have things to tell you guys. Bevie my dear, thank you so much for your concern. I appreciate that more than words can say.

Anyway - my home computer got a virus (again) and has been down for about a month, I started back to school and for those who have been listening to my saga for the last few months - I have an actual boyfriend and no, it's not the firefighter. See? I told you there's much to tell you. Ok, so below is the actual blog I started last month about just starting to see this guy so I figured I'll post this one now and start working on a few more getting you all up to speed. You know, I never realized how much I missed blogging until I couldn't do it. Go figure.

~February 3 (I think) 2009~

I am pretty well clueless on dating as is most blatantly obvious from my blog entries, but this recent exchange has just got me perplexed.

Yesterday morning my best friends mom called me (same one I went to Mexico with last year) and said that her son and daughter in law were going to have a little get together with some friends, watch UFC (Sorry BJ - crushing blow. Good thing you backed out when you did) and play some poker. Some of the people we met on the cruise were going to be there etc. I debated about it in usual Mia fashion: "Do I really have the gas money to drive out there? Plus I want to bring something. And poker? Don't exactly have the fundage to lose cash..." Then I thought: "Fuck it. It seems like all I do is work and go to school so I deserve to go out and have some fun. The firefighter is at his moms house three hours away, so why not? Go have fun with your second family (My best friend and I look so much alike that to this day people still ask us if we are twins) so we fit into each other's families perfectly.

Anyway -

Mom#2 and I get over to her sons house and I am so glad I decided to go. I see her grand kids, which the twins are now 13 and we share the same December 4th birthday, and the older grandson who is 15, 6'3 and pushing 280. Holy F this kid is huge. I've known this family for 10 years and it was just a trip to sit back and see how they have grown up and are changing into young men. Like usual, I start chatting to everyone and my soto brother asks how things are going with the firefighter and I give him an honest "I have no fucking idea really" and he said "Well, I've got a friend that I work with coming by tonight, he's 34, been divorced, has a 14 year old daughter, and looks like Brendan Frasier." I said "Are you trying tell sell him or warn me?" and he laughed and said "He's a good guy, and I'm just letting you know." Now, this was very touching to me and here's why. My best friend is a very sweet, passive, don't rock the boat kind of gal and I myself, well, one out of three ain't bad. Being passive, my buddy got picked on from time to time by her brother and once or twice he made the mistake of doing it in front of me. Don't pick on those who can't or won't fight back, especially when it's someone who's important to me. That being said, we have clashed on more that one occasion, disliked each other at first, then decided to ignore each other, eventually tried to make small talk and have now full on progressed to considering each other the brother and other sister we never had. Sweet aint it?
Mom #2 told me that there were two of his other friends from the cruise that were interested in me and he told them I had a boyfriend. I was a little irked at first, until his mom told me that was because he didn't think they were good enough for me. The brother I never had.

With all this knowledge, I figured if he was going to introduce me to this guy, then maybe, maybe he might be ok. (even though one thought that voice in my head keeps screaming is "DIVORCED AND 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER", then I thought, you haven't even met the man yet and who knows if there will even been anything more than just polite conversation so relax, it's not a marriage proposal. A little later we are sitting around the card table (I as an observer) and I got up to head to the kitchen and warm up some stuff for the dinner, and mind you, there are like 20 people in the house at this time so I was just sorta focusing on making it to the kitchen without running anyone down. That and not spilling my drink. So as I'm halfway there when my bro calls out "Hey Mom, Mia, this is Nick, Nick this is my mom and Mia."

Oh snap.

6', big beautiful light blue eyes, brown hair, goatee with light traces of gray running through both (which I'm really finding attractive lately) and from what I can see from the thermal with the t-shirt over it, a pretty nice body and yes, does indeed bear a striking resemblance to Brendan Frasier. We both turn back around to shake each others hand and he smiled and says "You're not the mom right?" and I said "No, but I'd looked pretty damn good if I was - just take a look." and pointed him out to Mom #2, who by the way, has a rockin bod for being 55. He laughed and said "I thought I was going to have to take you out and get you to tell me your secret of how you still look so good." Well alright. Less than two minutes into this and we have already made witty banter. This is already going better than some of my previous dates. However I, being socially retarded when it comes to dating, laugh say nice to meet you and continue into the kitchen, suddenly feeling like the gawky freshman kid who meets the senior star quarterback. I try to remember that I am no longer 16, but 30, grown up, self sufficient and thanks to mom and dads genes, turned out to be pretty attractive too. (yeah, I know, sounding a little pompous there) After I through the stuff in the oven I head out to the front porch with mom #2 while she smokes a cig. After a few minutes the door opens and my Bro goes "Hey, he asked me about you." and I said "He's cute." He said "You should go talk to him. He seems like a good guy." (awww) I said. "Well I will then. Thanks". You know what? It's really pretty tough to try and find somewhere to have a semi private moment to have a 'getting to know you conversation' with 25 people around. So we just briefly chat or crack a joke when we'd run into each other somewhere throughout the house. I kept wondering if he was going to ask me for my number or if I should just go get his and as a matter of fact was sitting on the front porch talking to mom #2 when he comes out, looks at me and says "hey, can I call you sometime?" Then I watched him fumble around for like 5 minutes with his iPhone while he tried to program it. What the fuck ever happened to writing it down on a piece of paper for Christ's teeth? Anyway, pretty exciting right?

Um, maybe not.

You know the old saying when something usually seems too good to be true, it probably is? Well, you make the call. He start telling me about all these chicks he's been seeing recently and about how someone broke up with him because he was too good looking, was too nice, too devoted etc. Now, I do not have an extensive dating background, but I must say, this hit me as rather hilarious. What you think you are saying and how it is coming across are two totally different things. He then says that he is supposed to go meet some chick for drinks after the fight, but he's really not looking forward to it - maybe I would like to go out with him instead and he would cancel with her. WTF? Telling a chick you just met how you are dreading going on a date with another chick later on that evening in case she likes you is so wrong and topping it off by offering to dump her for you? What a classy guy. All I can think is "Dude, this guy knows exactly how hot he is (I must admit, really, really, freaking hot. Hotter than the firefighter. What bunk) and he must just bang chicks left and right and thinks anyone will sleep with him - fuck this dude." So me being me decides to just start cutting this fool down. Now we've both been drinking a bit (Come to find out later, this guy barely drinks at all - total lightweight -and was pretty toasted at the time) So the next time he shuts up I look at him and say "Are you telling me all this because you are trying to impress me, or do you want me to pat you on the back cause your hands are full?" The look was priceless and he starts tripping over himself to apologize and saying that I'm misunderstanding him. On and on this sort of thing went for the rest of the evening with me just tossing pot shot after pot shot at this fool and him coming back for more, but when I did decide to ease up on occasion, I'm surprised to say that we actually had really good conversation. "Don't let him fool you" is all I can think.

About 11:30, Mom #2 and I decide to head home. I figured what the hell. I had a good time, was followed around by an extremely hot guy (Turns out he's a personal trainer on the side. The one time this awesome phenomenon of a hot guy pursuing me happens, he turns out to be a dick. Thanks a bunch) and I'm in no better or worse situation than when I got here, just a little drunker :) I finally get home and the next morning about 11:00 guess who's calling me? Um, yeah - Nick. It all starts coming back in waves and droves and I'm thinking how did he get my number? Oh yeah, I gave it to him before I found out what a dick he is. Shit. He's telling me how much he enjoyed meeting me and would really like to see me and - hey - what am I doing for super bowl? I tell him I already have plans to be at my dad's for the game and he asks I will call him afterwards and maybe we can go for a drink or something. I say I'll think about it because I'm already tired and have to work in the morning" and he actually says "Please think about it. I really want to see you again. I know how I must have sounded, but I'm not that kind of guy and I'd like it if we could talk more." Huh? Now I have heard a lot of pickup lines, but seriously? You want to talk more? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe your not a player. Maybe your just a FAG. I say that I will call him after the game and see what's up then.

When it was all said and done I did call him and he said he was on his way home and asked if I was still at my dads. I said yes, why? Cause he wants to come by and pick me up there and stop in and meet my dad so he knows who I'm going out with.

Now, I am totally confused. What kind of a guy does this? This is the macho asshole, playa from last night? At this point, I'm not even sure who you are or what your all about and now you're coming to meet my dad? I haven't even known you 24 hours yet. You know what's even crazier? I am so utterly intrigued by this guy that I tell him "Fuck it, come on by."...

Go sell your shit somewhere else, I'm full of it here

So I go to school (community college) 2 nights a week after work and tonight just happened to be one of those nights. I headed over right from work because last week was the first week of school and traffic was horrendous. No repeats this week please) My over eagerness to get there on time got me there about an hour early, so I decided that I would make good use of my time by going to get a coffee in the cafeteria and do some studying till class started. I go get my drink, head to a table, spread my stuff out and get into some serious reading and note taking when I get approached by this young guy who starts talking to me, asking me what I'm studying, what I do for a living etc. I ask him what he wants and he says he's selling magazines, but he really wants to just talk to me. Now he's cute, but he's bugging me. I'm not in the mood or frame of mind to deal with this and I flat ass tell him that he can talk all he wants, but I'm not buying anything he's trying to sell. "Figure that out after I talk to you" he says. "Go for it" I reply.

He tells me the traveling salesman story of how he's a 25 year old guy from back east and only working here for three days selling magazines of a 'higher caliber' and he's already sold 47 today and only needs to sell 50 total to make his final goal. Cry me a river guy. I say I'm really not interested and then he starts asking me things like IF I were to get one of the magazines, which one would I get? IF I just wanted to donate the subscription, which organization would I donate it to? etc. While his schpeal is going on, he keeps telling me how pretty I am, how he hopes I give him my number, cause he'd call me no matter what - as a matter of fact, what was I doing Saturday? He'd love to take me out and do whatever I wanted - but why was I looking at him like that? He was going to call me no matter what...

Please. My crapometer is in full working order and you just set it off. And by the way, If I were going to pay $40.00 for a goddammed magazine subscription, I sure as fuck wouldn't be donating it to someone else kay? Oh and if today is Wednesday and you are only here for three days, you probably won't be here Saturday right? Som-ting-wong.

All this results in like a 15 minute conversation (he was cute and a smooth talker I'll give him that one - just picked the wrong chick to try and work over) and he asks what address he can send correspondence to and I give him my old work address (keep your junk mail) and then he asks me if I have my check book and I say nope, I carry cash and he gives me a high five, says "That's even better" hand's me a receipt that he had started filling out while we were talking and hold his hand out like he's expecting money and says "It's $42.65". So I give him a 'five' right back and said "Well, that's all your getting from me" and he looked at me like I was crazy and well, here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Him: What are you doing I thought you said you had cash?

Me: I do. That's how I bought myself this coffee. But I'm not giving any of it to you.

Him: (looking incredulous) What are you talking about? You just said that you would buy two magazines - you even picked out what charities you are going to donate them to!!

Me: You said IF I I was to pick magazines remember? I told you before you sat down that I wasn't going to buy anything you were selling? I'm sorry.

Him: I agree, I can't believe you would sit there and lie to me.

- Then he walks away. I'm sitting there in utter disbelief that he seems so upset by this. Then, I slowly start to process what he just said to me. That mother fucker just called me sorry because I "lied" to him? Are you fucking kidding me? Then, unbelievably enough he comes back over to the table and asks me again:

Him: You are really not going to buy anything from me after you just promised you would?

Me: Again, I'm sorry guy, but -

Him: (Cutting me off) I agree.

Fuck you punk

Me: So, wait, does this mean we aren't going out Saturday? I mean, you just promised you would call me no matter what...you just promised!

Yup, turn around and walk away - bye, bye asshole.

Now what?

Well kids, in my last update, exactly a week ago tonight the firefighter came to dinner, stayed the night and ended up meeting Dante briefly the next morning (just a little awkward). In my last post I also said the last time I talked to him was last Thursday. As of today, that information is still correct. Ouch.

Much like this last weekend that has come and gone, we are supposed to go away together this weekend to see my aunt in the bay area and meet my mom's side of the family - and at this point I have no idea if that is still on or not. What's really going through my mind right now is how do I break the news (or what lie do I come up with) to my family as to why he's not going to show up? I have to say that I am getting tired of being let down. This is exactly why I hate saying anything to my friends and family about my love life because when this sort of thing happens, I am just enveloped in self doubt, self hatred, insecurity and loneliness. What's even worse is that I am too ashamed to talk to anyone about what's going on. Most everyone I know is married or in a relationship and let me tell you, advice from someone in a relationship means jack shit to you when your not in one. It's so fucking easy to say "Just walk away. You don't need that shit. You deserve better. There is someone out there waiting just for you." Then they go home to their families and you are banished from their mind for the time being. Nice. How embarrassing is it to say that a guy that you have invested a year of your time with, whom you have seen maybe a dozen times, met his family even though he hasn't met yours, isn't calling you back - at all - for days at a time and you don't know why? When you don;t seen each other very often, don't you want to at least talk to the other person? For goddsakes, am I really that terrible to be around or is it just because of the Dante thing? Something else? Who the fuck knows (obviously not me)

I did break down and call him after class tonight and got his voicemail. Now, the crazy, psychotic part of me wants to call him from a blocked number and see if he picks up. Sad? Yes. Have I done it yet? No. Sadly, that's a step up for me.

I keep trying to remind myself that every guy is not like Dante, yet shit like this makes it really hard to tell the difference.

I guess it boils down to this:

I am lonely.

I am realizing more and more that I need to make my own happiness and cannot depend on someone else to provide it for me. Not the firefighter, not Dante, not any other guy.

Yet...

I very badly want a family, almost exactly what Dante and I had except with kids of my own, not someone else's. I want to be married - for real - with someone who loves me. Shucks, that seems to be the only part of equation I am missing.

Looking at me looking at you

As long as everything looks good on the outside, who needs to know what the inside really looks like? As people, we are attracted to pretty things, whatever is visually appealing to us at the time. The soft, sweet, gentle, handsome, comely all seem to give us a sense of comfort whether real or imagined. Because of what they tell us, we will rearrange our schedules and sometimes even our lives because of what we hear. And we do all of these things in our quest for happiness because surely, if we accommodate these requests, demands, visions, ideas, our objects become happier and by default, that will make us happier right? I mean, if they are happier because of us, then they will be happier with us and that will make us happier. See how it all makes sense? I mean, that does make sense right?

Wrong.

Pretty doesn't make you happy. Money doesn't make you happy. A certain person won't make you happy. Things won't make you happy.

Only you will make you happy.

Once you let yourself be happy, it's funny how all those other things you enjoy seem to fall into place....

Awkward!

So Monday night the firefighter came for to my house and from there we went to my dad's for dinner then back to my house where we watched Extreme Cage Fighting till about 11:30 then went to bed :) I did have to work in the morning, so we were up early and apparently, Dante called while I was in the shower. I was getting dressed, looked down at my phone and saw Dante's mom's number and since we still talk, I figured it was her. I go to the living room to call back (firefighter is on the couch watching TV and drinking coffee) and to my surprise Dante answers "Hey, what are you doing? Can I please come by and just vent for a few minutes? I had a shitty morning at the unemployment office and I'm going to fucking kill someone if I don't get off the road" I say sire, you can come on by, but the firefighter is here. He gets quite and asks if it's still ok if he comes by anyway. I say sure and he says he will be there in about 10 minutes. I hang up turn to the firefighter and say "So this morning you will meet my friend Dante. He's having a tough morning and is going to swing by for a few minutes to vent".

The firefighter has no idea what role Dante has played in my life. I know that sounds terrible, but it has never really come up; I mean, I don't have any idea about any of his past relationships. I guess because we are around each other so rarely, we don't talk about serious stuff to often - yet.

Anyway...

Dante shows up and I must say was extremely polite and friendly towards the firefighter, shook his hand, the whole nine. We are all three on the couch, me in the middle and all chatting pretty amicably about such things as unemployment, which both guys are dealing with, Dante about his kids and me about work. 8:00 finally rolls around and I say it's time for all of us to go and Dante is first to leave. I give him a hug and kiss on the cheek and say I will talk to him later. I shut the door, get the rest of my stuff and the firefighter and I walk out front door, hug and kiss goodbye and head off in opposite directions.

I did not explain anything.

He didn't ask me any questions.

Coincidentally, as all of the above is happening that morning in that 20 minute time span, I notice something is wrong with Chico. He is cocking his head to the right, hunching his back and sorta limping. This is not Chico-like at all as he was fine the night before when the firefighter and I got home and walked him. He slept in the bed with us all night long, there was no trash out or anything he could have gotten into but something was definitely off. That right there has my attention sidetracked. Gay as it may sound, Chico is my baby mom's know when something is wrong with their kids. He wasn't crying or anything and just finally got on the couch to lie down. I decided that I would go to work and come home at lunch. Who knows? Maybe he was trying to launch himself off the bed onto the little cat (like usual) and missed - maybe he was faking because I had company over? I'd come home at lunch and check on him.


He wasn't faking. Chico was still laying on the couch and didn't come to the door. I went over to see him and his little neck was swollen up to twice it's normal size. He tries to turn on his side so I can pet his belly and cries out. My heart just stops - what a fucking terrible pet parent I feel like. Then he starts shaking. All I can think is what if he hit his head earlier or something then I freak call the vet, tell them what's going on and they say bring him in right away. I call work, give them the skinny and they are so wonderfully supportive and I am so grateful because I don't think I could have taken anything other than support at the moment. After much debate about whether or not I need to take him to set an animal neurologist (which is $150.00 just to walk through the front door - oh and it's 45 minutes away from where I live) we decide to start off with blood work, get x-rays, get pain pills, anti-inflammatory pills and muscle relaxers which only cost me a mere $516.58.

Yeah, you read that right. But what could I do? It's my guy and he was hurting. He's just fucking lucky I didn't have to pay rent with this check. Anyway, a long story and no neurologist visit later he has been taking his meds and seems to be back to his old spry self. The swelling is gone, he can move his neck in all directions and all is right in my world.

Until we talk about my love life.

This Saturday, the firefighter and I were supposed to be going about three hours away to stay with my family at one of the cabins on my uncles property. We have been talking about this for a few weeks so this is not a surprise. I call him last night and leave a message to let him know it's ok for him to bring his gun for hunting and dirt bike for riding cause he had asked about it earlier in the week. He calls me right back and tells that his mom is coming down to bring his couch and stuff from his house in Nevada, but he's not sure if she's coming Friday or Saturday and he starting to stress about money cause he was laid off as the winter season rolls in and will be hired back on in spring. In the meantime, he has filed for unemployment and his social security number has been entered wrong, delaying payment etc. I said no worries and just call me and let me know what was up. He said sure, we chatted a bit more and said goodbye. Later on that night I'm talking to Dante on the phone and he said "You you know your guy saw you touch my hand that one time and watched you hug me and give me a kiss" I said "First off, it was a kiss on the cheek which happened while you were leaving and I did it in front of him because I'm not trying to hide you. I hugged his brother and his friends on front of him - I'm a hugger - you know that." Dante says "Yes, but does he?" all I can say is "I don't know. He never asked about you. He never said anything at all."

Hmmmm. Am I making too much out of this? Should I have said something, offered some sort of explanation? I didn't plan for this and the timing was terrible. He must be curious right? I sure as hell would be. Ok Mia, don't start trippin for no reason.

This morning I call the vet say Chico is doing better and she reminds me that he should have no strenuous activity for about a week and limited animal interaction to just my cats. Crap. The trip to the mountains this weekend - oh well. I'm not going to put the dog in the car, crated or not, and risk him jacking himself up so I can come up with another 500 bucks. No thanks. And, my boss asked me to work Saturday and then has some take home work for me. It's good, but I'm still sorta bummed and decide to call the firefighter to let him know that I'm not going either way, so he doesn't have to worry about it. When I call, the conversation goes like this:

FF: Hey, what's up?

(Damn. His voice seems sorta clipped. I knew I should have waited till at least to morrow to call)

ME: Hey, sorry to bother you again so soon, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going this weekend. I'm going to hang out here and watch Chico cause I don't think it's a good idea to drive a long distance with him, plus I now have to work Saturday. Anyway, I'm not sure if you were still planning on going, but I just wanted to let you know it was cancelled so it would be one less thing on your mind." Dead silence.

All of this has come out in a rush and I speak fast when I'm nervous. And he still makes me nervous - especially as I've called him three days consecutively although I've kept the conversations short and really, they were valid calls. I still don't want to seem like the sudden clingy girlfriend. Which I'm afraid I might become, but that's another story.

FF: Oh. Well, I was just planning to hang out up here this weekend. It's good that you're staying with Chico.

ME: Yeah, poor guy. I'll just be glad when he feels better. Its almost the weekend and I have Monday off too for MLK Day, so I'll have plenty of time to keep an eye on him.

FF: Right on. I'm just getting really to head to a party. A few of my buddies moved out together and a few more of my friends came down from Reno so I am on my way to see them - you know guys night out.

ME: Right on, have fun with the boys. Be careful if your drinking & driving.

FF: Thanks. (Kind of distracted) You got anything planned for tonight?

ME: Nothing too exciting. Going to see my best buddy, go shopping and do girly stuff...

FF: Sounds good. Anyway, have a good weekend - um - I, I mean I will uh, call you in a few days. Ok, bye.

~ Ouch ~ Can someone tell me if I was just dismissed or if I am over reacting? Is he pissed at me? Should he be? Was I wrong not to give any explanation about Dante? Is this brush off payback? Freaking stink. What do I do now? No way in hell I am calling him back to even begin to broach this girly, emotional (and possibly fruitless) conversation. I didn't plan for it, I was running late for work and I didn't want to blurt just it out then walk away.

Why in the hell do I always seem to do the wrong thing at the wrong time?

Happy New Year! (Part two)

So it is Saturday and I am waiting for the firefighter to call me back. The night before, I called him after work and then again at 11:30 (I know, but I was impatient and I said as much in my message) so finally around 4:30 he finally calls and says that his cousin called and wants him to come to dinner at her place, would I like to come so I can meet them too? I say sure and agree to meet him there around 6:00. Here we go and I am a nervous wreck again. More family?!?! Freaking really? Ok, get a grip Mia. They are probably great people ok, so just go and have a good time. You guys can come back to your place after dinner and go from there. In my attempt to try and Map Quest this "Little side street, alley-like driveway, that - no, I don't no the address, but it's about 300 yards past the main intersection..." WTF? So I try to Google Earth it to get a street view and in doing so end up running about a half hour late and I call to let him know and he is cool as usual and says no big thing, take my time as they haven't even started cooking yet. So I choose a nice sweater that hugs the curves, looks cute and serves the purpose. Nice - downside? The sweet, bust lifting bra that I was wearing (which keeps the girls up higher, not makes them bigger) developed a hole in the side and the under wire was poking out. This was exactly the moment that I was getting ready to walk out the door after already being a half hour late. I made the executive decision to remove both under wires which in turn thrusts your cleavage together making you prone to fall out of your bra with too much activity. Dammit. No time to change and find the other cute bra, just going to have to try and tuck the girls in on the sly from time to time....

So I finally leave and call him when I got close and he came out and flagged me down with the flashlight. I turn down this driveway (which I never, ever would have found on my own) and pull into a parking space (Yes, they really had parking spaces in their driveway) The firefighter comes over, hugs and kisses me and leads me off to meet his cousin. She is standing outside smoking and I know instantly that I'm going to like her. I just have a feeling. She says hello and how happy she is to meet me and she's heard so much about me etc. and I give her a hug. I don't know what possesses me, but I do. She hugs me back and it's a good one, not one of those 'holy-shit-you-are-a-freak-please-hurry-and-stop-touching-me' hug. Anyway, we head inside and meet her husband and son, we hang out, party, drink beer and cook dinner. When the firefighter is out of the room there was a twinge of awkwardness, but nothing I couldn't deal with my usual chatter couldn't cover. After dinner, her husband passed out, the son went to bed and the three of us stayed up, partied a lot, made peanut butter fudge (technically, the firefighter made it while we stood there and watched - it was delicious). Meanwhile his mom called and the cousin was taking pictures of us to email to him mom and was trying to do it on the sly until she had to ask me to spell an email address for her. Truly, I thought it was so cute. I am really surprised at how much that he has apparently talked to his family about me and about how happy they are for him and how glad they are to finally meet me. I laughed and said that I could get my step mom to email his mom some pictures if she wanted to as my family has done the same thing. All this time the attraction between the firefighter and me that is fucking electric. We are to the point where we are happy to hug, hold and kiss each other in public and private and can't seem to get enough.

About 10:50 we are talking about whether or not we are going to head back to my house - the current issues at hand - Chico was at the house waiting for me and we had all been drinking (quite a bit really. Not falling down drunk or anything, but definitely shouldn't be driving) AS we are debating, his cousin says that she has one of those big air mattresses that she could put in the downstairs living room if we wanted to stay the night there and didn't I have a neighbor or someone I could call? I thought of Dante. And you know what? I called Dante. I asked if he could borrow a car to check on Chico because I had been drinking, but I would go home to see about him if he couldn't. At first you could tell he was mad, but then he sorta grew up real quick and said "You know what girl? No problem. You stay and have a good time and I'll will go check on him." I said thanks, hung up and told them I was going to crash there for the night. The firefighter kind of looked at me and I sorta looked at him with a "what?" look on my face and he shook his head so I didn't think anything else of it. We all three go assemble the bedding which is a giant inflatable queen size air mattress, sheets, blankets, comforters and I shit you not at least 30 pillows of all shapes and sizes.

About 11:45 his cousin decides to go to bed (everyone else is upstairs except us) and we decide to hang out in front of the fire and start to make out. It was one of those things where you knew you were going to have sex so there was no hurry in getting there. NOTE: this is not true with every man and you know this ladies. So he shuts off the lights and we are on the couch while the embers are burring behind us in the fire place and he starts talking...."You are so beautiful and sexy. Your smart, brilliant, you don't take no shit from anyone and did I mention how sexy you are? You know what else I really liked? When my cousin offered for us to stay here and not to drive, you were cool with it, made a phone call and got Chico taken care of. I really liked that"

People, as I write this, it still makes my head swim and I cannot actually believe this happened to me. Really, I am not making up one word.

So this continues for another 15 minutes or so and I can't fucking take this guys 'teasin' (the way he pronounces this word just makes me shiver everywhere) any longer and suggest we move to the air mattress in the other room. He strips to his boxers and I take my shirt and bra off, leaving the jeans on as it is still a bit cold. So after I get the ball rolling so to speak, he finally teases me into taking my pants off and son of a bitch all he did was talk to me, tease me, ask me questions and drive me crazy. We are both so hot and horny, making out, whispering secrets, telling fantasies and just saying half coherent sentences have what we where feeling and half what we were thinking. Un-fucking-believable. When we finally do start to have have sex, he is on top, dominant and yet goes slow, still, STILL, fucking teases me. I am flat ass amazed that this guy is 32 and has stamina like this. No way in hell I can be thins lucky. So all track of time is lost and after what seems like a long time he rolls off, neither of us have cum, but believe me, I am not complaining. I figure what better way to give us both a rest that for me to suck on him while we relax. The whole time he is playing with my hair, pulling it (which drives me crazy) and suddenly flips me back over again and the cycle repeats itself. After the next round we take a bathroom break (yes, streaking though the house) and run back for the cover because it is freaking freezing in the house. I think we might have fallen asleep, but I'm not sure cause I was all relaxed and gradually became aware of someone touching me, opened my eyes and looked over at him and watched the a slow smile appear on his face while his touch quickened. It's over guy - you got me. 100%. Turn out the lights, the party's over. Full on, I am yours. We start to have sex again and he reaches behind my head and makes me look at him full on while he starts pounding me. Yeah. Just like like that and it was fucking wonderful. Then he would stop and go really slow and take it out, ask me questions and tell me that he just wanted to hear me scream even though he knew I couldn't. Whooped. I never in my wildest dreams ever though it would be like this.

Light was starting to break when we finally fell asleep (Naked!) And woke up to his nephew watching cartoons around 8:00, then the rest of the family woke up and I am sorta waiting for everyone to clear out so I can get dressed and watching the firefighter sleep really wondering if everything that I think happened really happened and any sort of movement at all told me that, no I was not hallucinating. Anyway, we woke up to his cousin standing over us telling us to get ready cause we were going to breakfast. We got up, got dressed, went out to eat, came back and I started to put away the bed stuff while looking for my underwear. That's right, totally couldn't find the underwear before breakfast. After that I decided to say goodbye to everyone and go home to see about Chico. We hugged and kissed goodbye and I cannot seem to stop thinking about him. I think the same is to be said for him cause he called me this morning around 7:00am to tell me to have a good day at work. Tee-hee. I really like this guy and can't wait to see where this goes next. For sure he's going away with me at the end of the month to see my mom's side of the family and I know that should be a good time, but I really want to see him before then. Now I'm starting to wonder how I am really going to like only seeing him a few times a month. On the other hand, sex inside and included, I am really starting to this this is worth every bit of the wait.